Dearest,

Well... 2010 is almost upon us. A new year. A new decade.

It's rather a strange and almost unimaginable thought to think at the beginning of this decade I was yet to experience secondary school, puberty, college, University, a global recession, war. Not known of bands/artists who have helped me through many a tough time, watched films which would inspire me, read literature which would show me the world in a new light and see art which would make me think differently.

It's almost amazing to think how much I would have learnt, done, seen and experienced. The friends I would make, the ones I would lose, the people I would love, to think relatives who seemed immortal would die, that the world around me would fall and build itself back up again.

In one decade from the age of 10 to 19, as I think back now, it's amazing how much I have grown, as a person, how much things have changed both in my self and around me.

I suck at having resolutions. I either forget or simply fail. Therefore, I will simply see how things go in this new decade. Take one step at a time, but only try and make those steps one closer to an overall goal. To be happy, whatever happiness will be to me then. If in ten years time I can say I am happy, I will have acheived something.

We shall see dear friend... we shall see.

I wish you all the best and the next blog will be in 2010, Until then... goodnight.

x

When you grow up, your heart dies.

It's been really lovely being home for Christmas. I've had a catch up with friends, seen all the family, exchanged conversation in ways you only can with people who have been with you as you grew older and shared the memories and times which made you who you are.

It's nice. Very nice. I fear even that I won't want to go back to University, because although I love the academic side of things the actual lifestyle of it all just doesn't compare. It's hard to explain and I won't even try.

One thing I will say is that since getting back one of the comments I have had from various family members is 'I thought being at Uni would have made you grow up a little bit'. This was mainly after being with my three year old cousin. When with my cousin (and children in general) I have been told I come down to their level. I can agree with it, it is very much true... but I wouldn't change that for the world.

You see, I have always thought that in this society children grow old before their time. When I was a child I was told to 'grow up', and I know I wasn't the only one. I don't understand where this mentality came from. Personally, telling a child to 'grow up' is one of the worst things that can be said I think, because a child is just that... a child. A childhood only happens once, and it's a shame so many are losing theirs before they should.

I understand now I am nineteen years old... my childhood ended long ago, but it does not mean I should lose that which I admire and love so much... the imagination. I act my age in some ways, in others I act older, but in many I still act like I would have when I was ten. This isn't an issue to me, it's an issue to the rest of society, or my family, or those who have 'grown up' already. In many ways my immaturity isn't something which can be seen as such, because most of it is in my head and heart. You know how as a child you could imagine a box to be whatever you wanted? I can still tap into that mentality in many ways... I call it being creative. This creativity is something I plan on using throughout my desired career, in fact I plan on using throughout my whole life... so to lose it would be both sad and stupid.

The weird thing is... I get along with most kids really well. The same people who tell me to grow up are the same people who thank me for looking after their kids when there is a party, or the same people who comment on how great I am with kids... they miss the point somewhat, the reason as to why this is.

And so... although this has been a fairly stupid rant, I feel it needed to be said for no other reason than there is no reason. The day I stop being a child at heart will be the day I die, because I wouldn't want it any other way. When you grow up, your heart dies.

Motion Sickness (or the summary of events)

So tomorrow is the day I get to go back home for Christmas.

It has been a rather strange rollercoaster ride since September and since the move to University. Major ups and extreme downs, new people, a new town, a new educational atmosphere to get used to... but all in all its been a really great life experience, where I have learnt so much, be that the good things or bad things about myself or life in general.

I’ve learnt that I can move and be independent without too much struggle, and although this aspect has been quite hard I have gotten used to it and moved onwards and upwards. I have learnt even further that the career I have dreamed of since I was 9-10 is still at the top of my list, that I can meet new people, make new friends and be put in environments I would have previously been fearful of entering.

I have also learnt sometimes things go wrong, be it friendships, projects, organisation or lack thereof, decisions... but that from all the wrongs you can make a right, grow and learn, move on.

I guess I have grown in ways I didn’t think possible. Although I have not made the most of this experience so far, or changed in ways I wanted or would have hoped for, and although it’s not all been what I would have thought or even expected... It’s been something new and a change, and change is better than the familiar sometimes.

So, homeward bound I will be. Back to the people who I have learnt mean the world to me despite what I previously thought. Back to that familiar little place I will always call home. Just back where I need to be for the time being, where my heart belongs... home.

In January I will be back here, and I hope to be back on top of myself and my dreams. And I will be, of that I am sure.

x

If it is capable of ending, It never existed.

"Never say you lost a friend because if a friendship is capable of ending, it never even existed."

I'm feeling optimistic today, infact... I would go as far as to say I am feeling better than I have for the last few weeks, mainly due to knowing this time next week I will be on my way home. It's confusing thinking I couldn't wait to leave, and now I can't wait to be back.

It's that old saying that you never know what you have got until It's gone, and although I always loved my family, I think time away has made me appreciate them all the more. This can only be a good thing, but it's one of those things which takes time to understand. I think almost every teenager, infact most people I have come across always dream of that day when they can leave behind their family and home and start a new life somewhere else, and do whatever the hell they want, when they want... I was guilty of this.

I couldn't wait to just be my own person and not have to worry about what I did and what the family would think, but soon after doing this and coming here, that worry is changed for another... and it's not just the people I miss but the familiararity of everything and everyone. The streets which I got so bored of walking every day have been replaced with new ones.

One thing I find more strange is the fact that the things which annoyed me about people, the constant way certain people would moan at me about anything and everything, the hurtful comments I got from family members who didnt realise the things they said were hurtful... the little things which just bug you after time, all of these things are the things I miss the most.

Missing something only makes the heart grow fonder towards the thing you miss, and this for me at the moment is home and everything related to it. I've only been gone just over 3 months (I think), but it feels like a lifetime. Within this time I didn't think I had really changed, or 'grown up' which is what everyone said I would do... but thinking now, I have learnt some valuable lessons while I have lived independently, and I guess this constitutes for 'change'.

The quote I used at the top of this page was on I saw on Twitter, and with recent happenings it really stood out as something which makes sense at this moment in time. I always find it amazing when something can just jump out and speak to you, often when it's from someone you don't know or have never met, but its that understanding, like listening to a song and relating the lyrics. I have always been a believer in the growth aspect of friendship... the fact that if it doesn't work it just needs to be worked on, like a relationship, but in a way, I guess if a friendship breaks and the cracks form early, it's a warning sign to leave it behind, because if the cracks show so early into it is there really any way which this can be fixed?

If it is capable of ending... I guess it never really did exist, and with many friendships I have often had that doubt on the duration it will last. Is this really a good way to begin something so complicated?

And so... I move on I guess. The logical step is to see what happens. If it mends, there will still be the memory of it broken, and trust will be hard to find again. It's been a lesson all of this, and I have learnt, and I reckon grown, and maybe grown up for this... So every cloud and all that.

Fevers, Mirrors, Scales...

Conor: Well, the fever is basically whatever ails you or oppresses you. It can be anything. In my case it's my neurosis, my depression... but I don't want to be limited to that. It's certainly different for different people. It's whatever keeps you up at night.

Interviewer: I see.

Conor: And the... and the mirror is, as you might have guessed, self examination or reflection in whatever form. This could be vanity or self-loathing. I know I'm guilty of both.

Interviewer: That's interesting. Uh, how bout the scale?

Conor: The scale is essentially our attempt to solve our problems quantitatively, through logic or rationalization. In my opinion, it's often fruitless, but always... ah, not always... And the clocks and calendars, it's just time, our little measurements. It's always chasing after us.

Conor: Do you ever hear things that aren't really there?

Interviewer: I'm sorry, what?

Conor: When I was a kid I used to carry around this safety pin everywhere I went in my pocket and when people weren't paying enough attention to me I'd dig it into my arm until I started crying. Everyone would stop what they were doing and ask me what was the matter. I guess I kind of liked that.

Interviewer: Really... you're telling me you're doing all this for attention?

Conor: No, I hate it when people look at me.

08:02

Sometimes you can think you have some things that are real, but then soon enough they always fall down like everything else. I'm fed up of trying to sustain things, to always be the one that attempts to mend the fractured pieces. This always happens, and yet it still comes as a shock when it does, and why I wonder? Well, because things break when you least expect, or when everything else is breaking around you. It just has a habit of happening this way. But you see the true colors in times like this, the eyes open wide and the obvious stares you in the face. You learn.

These are the times which looking back I will appreciate the most, because no matter how bad things get, when I have pulled through and come out stronger, it's a reward.

I apologise for anyone who follows me on Twitter recently, because every day I have posted negative, ranty and totally self-obsessed tweets, which isn't what I originally set out to do with the medium. It's like this place, I set out to do one thing and iit gradually gets back to being a place to rant and get things off my chest, which is good for the old soul from my end but to those witnessing it, it must be tiring and boring. I admit, it helps... its the fact that its a place where I can simply get things off my mind, but I apologise, and thank those who stick with me and reply... It does mean a lot.

I have noticed I have 12 draft blogs... ones which I started and finished and then never posted for various reasons. I have done this alot often, mainly out of fear of simply being boring, or for writing shit along these lines which no-one would want to read. However, at one point I might just stick them all together and post a huge blog, which no-one will read but which will be there regardless.

I fancy a change of scenery as well, so at some point in the near future this place might look a bit different... but we will see.

Au Revoir dears,

x JH

I fell for the promise of life with a purpose

This was written last night... but for some reason I forgot to post it.

Fuck you rain! Yeah... fuck you. Somehow telling you over the internet feels better than shouting it in the middle of the street. Somehow. As the water seeped into my shoes, I remembered home, salty in my memory and far enough away for the cold to take hold. Home, a strange word. Anywhere I lay my head can be considered home and when I’m back home no doubt I will feel the need to leave again. I don’t feel this is my home, not yet. I’m not familiar with the streets; I don’t know the people... I fear being alone within its imaginary walls. Home is simply a word people created to make themselves feel comfortable in one place.

I don’t know... I’m not thinking clearly. This whole blog is a wheel spin in the shit. My day has been filled with doubt of many kinds. I’ve been out, I’ve been with people, I did work... and still I felt no sense of reality in any of it. Underneath though, in my mind somewhere deep and hidden I know there is pain and suffering everywhere, somewhere... and I’m not the centre of the earth, I’m not important. For all that though, it still feels like I am suffering. In my own way. At my own pace. By myself.

Infact, Bright Eyes has been keeping me company of late. I've been listening to Conor's words on repeat. He has a way with words, a way of summing up my exact thoughts both lyrically and musically. This is why I love music... it becomes a friend in times of need.

Days spill into each other like ink on a canvas, and I don’t know where I am anymore. I go through the same routine, day after day... or some days I mix things up and go the complete opposite. I go from a human to a creature of the night, and I sleep away the days. As I have said before, I prefer the night. The silence feels comfortable.

Friends are strange things. I still don’t know what a real friend is, or at least I don’t think so. I have never felt a bond so strong that I keep friendships up forever. I just don’t. When I move on, in general, so do they, and I too. When I see friends together, I do wonder if I look the same with people I am with often, or if I look uncomfortable with it, the company. I always seem to attract the people though that give little and take a lot, time and energy, various forms of communication, life. Sometimes it makes me think, and when I think like this I just want to curl into a ball and hide in the shadows. I should be grateful for what I have because it’s more than some, but there is this constant knot in me that always seems to get caught.

Something else that annoys me is people who are consistently late... but thats another story.

Everything feels like a competition... and I’m losing. I’m just a spelling mistake on a sheet of paper. What a sad view of life this is. Yet it is what it is, and although I despise and hate the way I feel, I still find comfort in it. It’s an addiction this mindset. You want with everything to just leave it behind but at the same time it seems to be a part of you, an integral part of your very fibre and being... though it’s not.

I write often about this feeling. This mindset. And I have realised that the only reason I do so is not in figuring things out as I go along, as I once thought. It’s not that it’s a way to make sense of something that otherwise seems senseless... I write it all down because I one day hope for it to pass. It’s that simple. I hope one day I may look back and see I have overcome this demon that lives within me, this plaque that rots my life at the moment. And because of that hope, it gives me strength to carry on.

'I fell for the promise of a life with a purpose'

Bright Eyes - If Winter Ends

All is full of love... and money.

I hate adverts. I really do, in every form. Although I don't have a TV anymore, this time of year always screams one thing... money.

They (adverts) give you these ideals about what life is...

A slow fade in from black to a mountain scene and a woman whispering in your ear some beautiful poetry about water, a swan sits in the lake, a child in red wellington boots, an old couple dancing a waltz and throwing food at each other but smiling all the way... lovely music, with cello, a cresendo of strings.

And then the punchline... just as the hair on your neck stands on end and your nipples are hard...

BUY THIS THING.

If you don't buy this chocolate/car/fucking useless piece of shite... your life will never have such beauty and poetry, ever.

Same with the hip adverts with sexy young models running around half naked with the ripped muscles of their torso's dripping in some form of shiny water based stuff... pumping music and sexy french accents.

BUY THIS THING.

If you don't buy this smelly water you can never wish to be beautiful and wanted, never even think of being irresistable. If you don't have a body like a god then the same applies... infact, if you are not this idea of beauty, why are you even alive? But this smelly water will possibly help you, because the smell will put people off your ugly ass face.

And this is where the problem lies dear friend... I want all of these things.

I want the swans in slow motion and the poetry.

Y'know?

It's the same for things you NEED to buy for other people... That toy for a child you might know, that CD for your mother with shitty pop songs and horrid balleds, that band your cousin really loves that keeps appearing on the TV...

If I buy that CD, my mum will love me a million times more than normal this x-mas... All for the cheap price of £9.99... oh yes, eternal love. When in reality it ends up at the back of a draw somewhere and gets listened to only when she is decorating and is fed up of listening to Elvis (which happens rarely).

I hate this side of Christmas, and the overwhelming feeling of being skint yet knowing I need to set that little bit aside to get someone something. I would seriously like to be rich one year, and splash out and buy everyone the thing they really want, but i'm not rich... and this christmas will be hard enough as it is because currently I am wondering how I survive until the next bit of money comes in on the 18th of January... Make sense?

Yeah... Being young at christmas is awesome. You get everything and no-one expects jack shit... and then you are 18 and you are expected, and what do you say to that? I would cancel it if I could. I think people are only giving me money anyway, so why not just say 'It's cool love, with that £10 go buy yourself something you REALLY want, and tell yourself its from me, even its a shitty bottle of wine from Tesco'.

And so... the christmas blues have come early this year. Well, its to be expected when I see it shoved in my face everywhere I turn.

This has been a pointless and far too long rant... and yes, I know that... but I'm bored, and its on my mind, and this is what a blog is for, no? I won't lie, I still love christmas simply because it means some time with family, its a time we all get together, which in itself is good enough.

Right... I have a jar of coffee screaming at me to consume its contents, and I cannot resist.

Until next time (which might just be sooner rather than later, but who knows?),

JH

x

Tell me what it's worth...

‘No, no. Listen, listen. He said that if they dug his father's body up, it would be gone. They planted a seed over his grave. The seed became a tree. Moses said his father became a part of that tree. He grew into the wood, into the bloom. And when a sparrow ate the tree's fruit, his father flew with the birds. He said... death was his father's road to awe. That's what he called it. The road to awe.’


I'm not afraid anymore.

I was thinking last night about the journey I’ve been on through life so far. It started okay, I didn't have a terrible childhood or an amazing one, it was just normal. I grew up like many kids, without a father, raised in a single parent household. We had and still have little money, times were rough often, but at the same time I had a loving family, I had a home and I had a quality of life which far outruns that of what many children have.

Third world countries starve, I had food. Some kids live on the streets, I had a roof over my head.


Through school although expectations of me were low, I tried my hardest and worked hard, and I got the grades. Grades are not everything, but they give you a worthwhile feeling, like it’s something you can be proud of. I did okay for myself, I broke the expectations, and I tried hard to do that. I’ve gone through life always trying, but I hide the fact I try hard. I hide the work I put into things, and people just think I can naturally do well, when often it’s the opposite and it’s through trying again and again.

And so I’ve been thinking, as always... about the past, the present, the future.

As the wind blows wildly outside and the waters fall, I feel a storm brewing inside myself. There is so much happening and so much has changed, yet I’m still the same person. When I think back to my childhood, of course I remember all of the above, but what I remember the most is how I felt, what I saw through my eyes and felt in my heart.

It’s these things that I remember vividly, and though I’m older now, and some would say wiser, I still feel and see the same things. I see hate, I see disorder, I feel pain, I suffer. I don’t help myself when I should, I let others walk all over me... I guess, what I’m really saying is... it’s always been the same.

This trait in me, this lack of ability to stand up and say enough is enough, is what causes me the most trouble and pain. It makes life harder, in many ways. It means I am an easy target, in many ways. And for all the times I feel myself inside being tormented and for all the times I want to stand my ground... I can’t.

It doesn’t come naturally to me.

One thing my granddad said to me before I left for Uni was 'Don't let people take advantage of you'... and so far I have failed with that. But looking back... I have always failed with that.

I would think trying to be the best you can be would lead to being happy, but it doesn’t.

Fuck. Tell me what it’s worth, please?

An update...

Have you forgotten about me yet? It's been a while I know, but with good reason. I've been so damn busy! Okay... maybe not a good reason, but very true.

Anyway, I pretty much have a free weekend apart from a screening of a film and a Q&A with the director tonight, so all being well, if I remember and can get all my thoughts into something considered to be a logical pattern, I shall write.

Before I go shower and start getting ready for the long day/night ahead, I just wanna thank anyone who still reads what I have to say. I don't know who you are, I never get comments or feedback on here (though I have had a few on Twitter), but if you do take the time to read my rambling and moaning, it does mean alot.

I've been wanting to get some sort of counter so I know if anyone visits this place, but can't seem to find one. I'm rather terrible with the technical shit in life... But yeah, if anyone can help it would be nice.

Anyway, expect the unexpected and hope you're Friday the 13th went by without too many troubles.

Love as always,

Moi

xoxo

After rain comes rainbows... I'm waiting.

I look for a good beginning... but it becomes a dissapointment.

My heart and mind fluctuate constantly. How is it that I can be so happy one moment and so much in contrast the next? I wish I understood. I wish someone could guide me.

I do wonder if others feel the same but I suspect most don't. Or maybe like me the mask goes on at sunrise and leaves when the sun sets, ever more present in company of human eyes. Its an age old feeling now, and i'm still in my infancy going by statistic. This way of thinking though could be the death of me, and its that which sends worry through my veins.

If this is natural, if I were born to think and be the way I am, will I ever make of life what I want? Or will it forever be a game of cat and mouse where I am chasing something I can never grasp? I would be lying if it didn't seem that way right now.

C'est la Vie. I cannot let this stump me now before I even begin the long road. I have a feeling the next few years of my life will be anything but simple, but if I fail now can I honestly say I will make it in the future? If I go into this, and try... regardless of what my heart and mind tell me... I think they call it persistance... then maybe I will overcome some demons.

After rain comes rainbows. I'm waiting.

I Speak Aloud and Travel Inside Myself Searching

Soundtrack: Stokkseyri - Riceboy Sleeps

Do you know what's hard? Knowing there was a time you were blissfully happy but knowing at the time you didn't see things for what they were.

There are a few things I can look back on and see in this way, one more than any. When you are going through a hard time, even the good things can sometimes be bad, or you just don't make the most of them. Looking back, I do wonder, if I had seen and known that at the time it was something so worthwhile, I might have put more effort into it. I guess I will never know, and I will never know how it might have gone, or been, or finished.

Its not a regret as such, I always say I never have regrets, just things I might change and do different if I could go back and change them, and in this example I would certainly change things if I could go back now.

Sometimes, when you least expect it, something from the past comes back, and you have to confront your feelings on it, if not to gain some new prospective, to gain an ending, to finish what was never really finished at the time.

Its hard, and tonight I had that. I got my past. It was subtle but unexpected. I don't expect its the same for others though. No doubt they have no idea how much it has an impact. Where others moved on, I stayed. Sadly. I guess partly out of choice, but also because no other option was shown or proved to exist.

Is this how its always going to be? I do wonder. When I moved to University I almost expected a new start, a new person to come out of the shell I have been in the past, and I did believe it with all my heart. I would be lying if I said I had thrown myself fully into acheiving this, but really I do wonder if change is something that cannot be planned or orchestrated, but rather happens naturally and over time, without consent or warning. I did not expect to be here tonight, thinking about something which should have finished a long time ago, but alas it happens, and such is lifes unpredictability.

Do you know when you want something more than anything, but try as you might, or even think, it never seems to be right or be there? Thats happiness for me. I thought I was, but maybe not. I guess I figured if I try, I will... but I did and I'm not. Fuck.

I didn't need this tonight, not when all night I have felt heavy inside. Weighed down by everything. Tonight was hard enough, and its harder now. I guess the only Logical conclusion tO a night such as tonight is to sleep, and dream, and wake and think, and hope that these feelings Vanish with a new day, a sunrise, a new bEginning.

Its funny how this blog was always going to be another one of my typical self analytical places to write and communicate even though I wanted more than anything for it not to be, because when I choose the title for it, I knew the path in my heart but not in mind. It was so obvious, but I never saw it. I guess what I'm trying to say is...

I speak aloud and travel inside myself searching.

I want to be loved

I am no heir, no proud ancestor,
I have no friend, no brother, sister,
I have never belonged,
I have never belonged.

I am, like every human:
Highness, Iceberg, enigma, strange and timeless,
Distant will-o'-the-wisp,
Distant will-o'-the-wisp.

But, oh, I can't remain unspoken,
I have to bare myself wide open,
Behold me, everyone,
Behold me, everyone.

In all self-torture, in every song,
I want to be loved, to belong.
Belong to somebody,
Belong to somebody.

Ady, Endre

The Science Of Sleep (or lack of)

So, I didn't sleep. Its the normal state of play that happens when all I want to do is turn myself off and all the mind wants to do is turn itself on. I wouldn't have minded but today will be a busy day, and I shall be tired and probably moody, or over-active as is also normally the state of play when I'm tired. I call it 'sleep stoned'. A fitting name I think.

The problem is I have so much whizzing through my head at great speeds that I can't turn it off. It's like an explosion in my mind, just things hurtling through it, all crashing into multi-coloured sparks. I close my eyes but there are images there, crystal clear and seemingly real.

I wish I could remember what it was like to have a real sleeping pattern. Up at a certain time and down another, day after day for weeks on end. Try all I can I have failed time and time again, and every time I give in that little bit more. I think the last time I had a pattern was when I was around 9 years old, not out of fault of trying, my mum tried, but I couldn't sleep at a normal time.

I guess I would be fine sleeping if I could sleep in the day. I always have no problem sleeping through the day, being awake at night. No idea why, it just feels... happens... is.

And so its almost 06:40am and sleep is not on the agenda now as soon enough I shall be on my way to University. I see this as a regular thing, it was the same with school, and college... why would it stop now?

What to call something that deserves no name?

I've been having a bit of a low day today. No reason, just low. I've been over-thinking, over-analysing and feeling run down. Again, no reason, I emphasise this. Of course when I say no reason there is always a reason, just as when people say 'I'm fine' its often the case they are not.

There is little reason, I should say, or self fabricated reason, imagined reason, reason for reasons sake. Few. All of which lead into a boiling pot of doubt. Doubt is the killer in all of this, because when I doubt it makes everything seem unreal, the good and the bad. Doubt is the curiosity that the cat killed, that killed me in the past, doubt is the devil in disguise in all of this.

The devil on my shoulder that whispers sweet nothings that are somethings when listened to, but otherwise nothing. Falling empty into the earths core, the brain, a thing of mystery. Untold.

Strange mood, strange light, street light. Yes, I think I understand that the only thing you can ever understand is that nothing is ever certain, I think. Do I know this? No. I think. Sinking however into the abyss is a shit stirring mental state that never ceases to leave alone, not never, ever. However this my friend is the thing I mean, when times are good they are good, but the bad is still there, always, just hidden behind the facade of a laugh.

When the fire burns up and dies, the ashes remain, the proof that the fire existed. The same with scars and emotions, emotional scars. The cause dissapears but leaves its print. A stamp.

Fini. The End. Done.

Up, Up, and Away

Soundtrack: All The Big Trees - Riceboy Sleeps

For the first time, or rather the first time in a while since getting to University, I am missing my family and home. I have no idea why today of all days I am missing them, but it started a little last night and seemingly for no reason. I was just sat in the local pub having a few pints after shopping and the cinema, and it hit me, and I can't shake it today.

Its like we are worlds apart, not physically but in the heart and mind. I don't see them, obviously, I only hear little bits of news and the odd phone call, and I feel like i'm missing it all, or rather missing being there for the simple things. I feel more like a stranger everytime contact happens. I guess its natural to feel like this, for some anyway.

In other news, I went to see UP yesterday which was fantastic. Must admit I shed a slight tear too. Its fantastic and I cannot recommend it enough to people! I saw it in 3D too, which was strange because I think Pixar really know how to use it not as a gimmick, but as something that simply makes the experience more real. I am yet to see a live action 3D but I do wonder how it would differ from the animation side of things, which is all I have seen so far.

Anyway, onwards and upwards ;)

x

To work at last...

I started my first proper assignment yesterday. Basically we have to write a 5 page script, in three drafts, and the script must include a set of variables such as how many characters must be in it, the age of the main character, the title of the screenplay, genre and time it is set in.

Its great to finally get something to work on as so far in my three weeks at university I have done very little but introductions and inductions, which although needed are rather dull and not what I came to do. This assignment both excites me and kind of makes me feel a little uneasy, if only because I will be writing in a very closed form. The variables set a boundary that I cannot cross, and although they are not all that limiting they are not exactly within what I normally like to write, which is more realist or experimental.

However, after researching last night I found some amazing things which I could incorporate into my storyline, which I can really go to town on so to speak. The problem again is cutting the whole thing down into a 5 page script, which translates on screen to about 5 mins. This is a hurdle I have to overcome as I find my problem, as on here, is that I write far too much when often a few sentences can cover the same thing. Condemn a guy for doing too much, haha.

So yes, I finally have work, and it feels good. Oh, one more slight issue, there is too much time to do this task in. There is about a month to get this done in, which is far too much time really, but it is the first year and I suppose I shouldn't moan too much, I am loving it though, very much so.

'With a song in our hearts we play endlessly'

I've dreamt about the sun many times before...

Happiness is a word I have used before, but i'm being genuine when I say things seem to be going well at the moment. I've felt happy before but not in recent history, not like I am now.

I have no idea why, but it feels wrong in a way to be enjoying life, it doesn't feel natural to me, it doesn't come naturally. I'm used to feeling down, and although I have had my moments of fear and hatred, sadness and lonliness in my time at Uni so far, it's all going well. Is it wrong to state that I wonder how long this can last?

This leads me to think sometimes that sadness is a state of mind. You make yourself fear something and that fear will drive you mad, you believe in sadness and you create your own. I've been guilty, many times, but is this happiness just me creating happiness or genuine? I have no idea. I'm a wreck really I could suppose.

In times where good things are needed, you often create your own, but I have good things. I'm in a situation where I'm not worrying about money for the first time in my life, where there are people and friendships that i'm not questioning. There are elements I miss, regrets on how I have taken to people so far, the way I have reacted to events and situations... all of these have been and gone, done. I cannot dwell on them because to move onwards I must forget, and hope to be forgiven.

I apologise for making little sense, if sense is anything at all. I have had little sleep once again and with little sleep comes too much time to think, and thinking leads to questioning and questioning to doubt. Doubt is the killer queen in all this, in everything. Doubt in myself, the system, people, life. All.

Moving forwards means to look back and learn upon your mistakes, and I'm still trying. Last night I had a conversation where I explained that it felt weird to feel genuinly liked, no strings or wanting to change, and for the first time I realised that all along, maybe it wasn't just myself to blame, but the people who were not willing to accept me as I was.

On with the show.

The Tribe Returns!

THE TRIBE

RETURNS TO FIVE

THIS SUNDAY!

11:25AM

Yes dear friend, The Tribe, one of my favourite TV shows of ALL time is back on our TV screens THIS Sunday at 11:25am on channel Five.

I don't normally plug TV shows, or anything for that matter, but this to me is a momentus occasion. Why? Well, because The Tribe was my childhood, or rather one of the big things I remember and still love from my childhood, and although this might not seem like a good reason to watch it, you should.

The Tribe is one of those programs that I feel should live on forever, the dream must stay alive, simply because although there are faults, its amazing. Yes the actors are somewhat wooden, the accents seem strange at first (and sometimes throughout) and it isn't the best technical program ever made, but the pro's far outweight the con's. The characters are fantastic, 3-dimensional and mostly realistic, the storylines are gritty, the concept is every childs dream (or mine at least and people who I know have watched it would agree). It is just... The Tribe.

I have heard mixed reactions about the programs. Its one of those programs you love or hate. I love it. Everything about it, even the makeup on Selene that makes her look like she has a monobrow and Bluebells horrid over-dubbed moo's, but those aside (and possibly Trudy's constant whining and pining for Bray) it is amazing, and its back!

I'm happy, i'm very happy, and if you ever watched it and liked it you should be too, and if you never watched it, watch it and try and like it, and then we can talk about it and be geeky fans.

So yeah, i'll shut up now. Plug over, almost...

Five, THIS SUNDAY (the 4th of October), 11:35am

THE TRIBE!

He Got His Passion for His Passion Back

It's rather a strange thing to feel creative again. For the last few months after leaving college and having nothing to do (literally) I have kind of put my mind at rest, and suddenly being back in a learning environment, surrounded by people (or some rather) who are passionate about film, its bringing out the best in me again.

I can genuinly say I feel happy for the first time in a long time. Sure, life's not exactly a bunch of roses and everything isn't going perfectly, but it's not bad, not really. I think I'm always at my happiest when I'm doing things creatively, whether it be artwork, thinking of concepts and ideas for films or creating music, these are the things which make me happy. Its good to be able to think properly again, in a creative way. These last few days my mind has been brimming with ideas for screenplays and concepts, I've been slowly building back those bricks that build the mind I feel I should never lose.

I start lessons properly next week, and all being well things will go well and I can keep this fire burning while it is hot. I suspect when the time comes to be stuck into groups for our first projects, I will no doubt end up with some characters that do nothing, the type that really don't care and just go along for the ride, and this is an obstacle I have to overcome at every hurdle so far... but all being well, and optimistically i'm hoping this won't be the case.

And so it was... He got his passion for his passion back, and life was sweet.

Points of You

Tonight I have an apartment full of people filming a film... which includes actors, cameramen, director, producer and so on. This means I am banished into my room where I will need to be silent (which as strange as it sounds I understand as unwanted sound is a bitch sometimes). So my plan of action is to maybe watch a film on the laptop with headphones, or possibly watch a few more episodes of Carnivale.

Inductions at Uni are now over, and so proper lessons start Monday, which means I have a full two days and the weekend ahead of me with not much to do. Tomorrow I think a few friends are coming around and a film shall be the form of entertainment for us, and then after that there isn't really many other plans. I will more than likely be lazy, do bugger all and sleep a lot in preparation for the sleepless cave of existence that is University.

I know this is all I have blogged about, my life, Uni life... and I apologise. This blog started as a light place for me to discuss random goings on, random news and anything that popped into my head, and its turned into yet another shitty blog and someones shitty life. I promise soon enough I will be returning it to its normal state, and maybe also using it as a platform to bounce some ideas for projects on, and possibly if people would be so kind, maybe get some feedback.

My blogs comment virginity is yet to be broken. Basically, I have had no comments. This leads me to a few conclusions. A) No-one is reading it. B) Nothing I am saying is of worth of in need of feedback or C) You just can't be arsed. I don't per se, but if there is ANYTHING you would like to say, or ask, or tell me, then go ahead and don't be afraid. I would hope that at maybe some point in the future this place can be a good place to communicate with people about subjects, or express some ideas and have discussions.

I think the best blogs and websites in general are the ones where discussion is a key element, and for this to work I would need participation. I don't expect much, but possibly some point within the next few days I will post something which we could maybe discuss... Would you be willing to try and feedback some thoughts and opinions? Hmm.

If not, don't worry. I've never had a blog that actively encourages feedback, so I will try it and if it doesn't succeed, c'est la vie... I'll go back to my normal way of doing things.

Bye for now, and i'll post again later!

Art Says All In Silence

Although I have not posted any of my sketches and drawings in this blog before, I thought it would be good to post some new ones I did tonight for no reason other than wanting to, which is as good a reason as any. I don't have a scanner, so I have had to make do with a webcam picture, which means the quality isn't fantastic but I have tried to make them look a bit better with some quick editing.

So here they are:

Nothing special really, but I realised after that they were very different to anything I had done before, and if i'm honest maybe a little better than the more simple things I tend to stick to. I don't know really, they just seem more realistic and detailed. A step in the right direction I think.

Art is one of those things that has always kept me more level headed. If I feel upset, or feel overwhelmingly emotional, I always find expressing myself through art can be one of the best things to unwind and calm down. I have no desire really to be an artist, but it's certainly something I enjoy (and i'm not good enough to make a living from it either), but I do enjoy it.

Anyway, thats all really. I've unleashed the new art on an unsuspecting world (or about the 3 people who read this blog, haha).

Bye for now

Optimistic Thinking & Realist Thoughts

Today I have done nothing... sweet fuck all... nada. Call it what you want. I've been how I would normally be at home, a hermit, a victim of myself and my own mind. Today there were things I could have done, but didn't. Instead I stayed in my room, only moving really to get yet another coffee or some snacks, and I watched Man On The Moon and listened to some music.

Am I a bore?

The thing is, today has given me some sense of normality again, not that my week has been wild and crazy, or anything close to it infact, but this week, with moving to Uni, setting up a new life and trying to get by and live it, its been draining in a way. I'm used to doing nothing, and even though I have done little and next to nothing compared to some people, i've done more than I would ever do in a normal week back home.

In a way I have been finding it difficult. I don't feel like I fit into this normal student lifestyle, or fit into social situations in general, but i've been really trying hard to change my state of mind that i've been plagued by for the last 19 years of my life. I'm trying hard, and it it hard, but slowly I think i'm beginning to enjoy it more and more, everyday something changes that little bit and i'm moving forwards rather than backwards, which is where I feel I have been moving for ages now. I don't mind going out alone so much, even though its an alien planet i'm on at the moment. I see no familar faces, I know no place of comfort inparticular, but i'm trying hard to just get on with it.

I have to admit, I still in a way dread leaving the apartment, simply because I still feel judged, by everyone, be it someone walking past me, someone in a car... anyone, anywhere. I feel like when I walk down a street I am a victim, this hasn't changed yet, but its moving very slowly to a point where I just try and banish those thoughts from my head. Nothing up to this point has been on accident, and the way I am with feeling insecure about everything and anything is because of something which has happened that has made me feel this way, an event or a circumstance that made me who I am.

In a way, I guess I miss not doing anything much. Whilst I was at college, I would wake up, go to college, get home from college and not leave the house again. That was my life, my social life... college. I didn't go out often, or partying every weekend like some people I knew, but I didn't have a desire to. In the same way, I don't desire to now, but I do however want to give it a go, see how life outside my comfy box works, dip my toe in the sea a little and see if I fancy a swim. Its like being reborn in a way, or being a born again Christian. Its a whole new life, and its scary at first, and weird, and alien, but after a while you might just warm to it if you give it a chance.

Sorry to use Christianity as an example, i've been there though, and I know how it all works with feeling nothing towards it at first but interest and eventually liking it... but then again I hate it now. Hmm. Yeah, this analogy is going nowhere fast.

But yes. I've been out a few nights this week, the first night was a freshers party. I wasn't excited to go, Ii was scared, but I enjoyed it, and I met a few people whose faces keep coming up now. This to me was a winner of a night, simply because now I know a few more people, the whole reason I went, and it worked. The second night was a hypnotist (who I will blog about in the near future) and again, I got to know a few people a little better. I spent a whole night with someone on my course, and now I feel I know them better. Winner part two. Last night I went to a comedy night, and although I met only one new person, if I see her again around Uni I will be able to strike up conversation.

This is my point. Its all a learning curve and experience, and i'm enjoying it. I would be lying if I said I would want to go out all the time, but I do feel its really helped and brought me closer to new people I would not have met otherwise, or formed friendships quicker than if I would have not gone out.

The first few days were a little egdy for me. I had no money, I still felt homesick, I felt just... like I didn't belong... but slowly, very slowly, where I am now is becoming a home, and I'm slowly making people who are becoming a family so to speak, a very distant family though (haha).

Yes. This is life now, and if I don't make the most of it the next three years will no doubt be miserable, so I WILL enjoy it all I can, or at least... try. Thats all you can do really, try. If you never try you are prone to fail, more than likely will fail and you will always have that little thought of 'What if i'd have just given it a bit more effort?'. I don't want to look back in three years time and think I have wasted an opportunity, I want to be proud of myself, feel better in myself and be more confident... and lastly, feel more alive.

'If you never lose, how you gunna know when you've won? and if its never dark, how you gunna know the sun?'

x

Kiddy TV & a feeling of belonging

I've been wondering for a while what sort of area of film or TV I would like to work in, and one thing that stands out for me is kids TV.

It's strange really, I have a huge obsession with childrens television. I'm sure everyone reading this will remember at least one program from their childhood, something that takes them back to being a kid. For me I have a few... The Moomins, The Raccoons, Rugrats... all of these when i watch them now take me back to a time where I can genuinly say I felt at least a little more optimistic than I am now. A time of innocence that only comes with childhood, that feeling that life is one big playground.

To me, childrens TV is one of the best things ever, and it always will. I am constantly reminded that kids TV is the shithole of media, just not worthy of recognition and nothing more than senseless and mindless waffle... but to me, its one of those things that if you don't watch, or give a chance, or love or like... you can never really understand it, and in the same way if you don't have the right state of mind you can't possibly really say its good. I do agree that this doesn't count for all childrens TV, and there is some copper amongst the gold, but there is alot that is really good.

I have a childish imagination in many ways... no matter what these blogs would otherwise suggest, or how I might act in reality, and if I could ever be involved with childrens television, I really my life would be amazing.

Rather a random post I know, but all good things are random.

Toodles

An Apology, An Update, A Hobo

Hey Everyone,

Just a quick post to say i'm sorry i've not wrote a post in a while.

I'm now at University. Although lessons have not properly stated yet as I am in my induction week, Its quite scary just how busy I am already. It's felt weird not to be online or writing blogs as often as I normally have and would be, but I guess It's something that kind of needs to happen.

I'm not saying I will suddenly have a blossoming social life and be out everynight and never come online, but I will certainly be more busy, and with this new busy life I doubt I shall be able to keep everything up to date as much as I once did. In a way I think I need to cut my Internet dosage down a little... but addiction is a strong thing.

Don't worry, if anyone actually takes the time to read this thing... I will still be here a few times a week (all being well) to cum all over your screens with my thoughts and feelings towards unimportant things (which I realise is a very strange way of putting what is actually just 'writing a blog').

While I am here though, I will mention that University life isn't, for me at least, all its cracked up to be. Maybe its because i'm not all that fussed about going out every night and getting blind drunk and falling into bushes and puking (although my first freshers event was kind of like that, without the bush falling though). I know some people here who have literally been out every night and done the whole typical student thing, including turning up to lectures with the hangover from hell, but its not something I think fondly of or something I feel I will be contributing to, simply because it doesn't interest me that much.

I've done a fair few things so far that I enjoy, like going to the cinema a few times, going for a nice pint and meal, watching a film in the apartment... and I feel this is more the approach I will be taking rather than going out on a bender all the time.

Its quite strange how since I got here, being in University and in the lecture room is the time I have probably most enjoyed. My whole life at the moment (and probably the next three years) has been waking up and getting ready for Uni, maybe doing something in the evening (like the cinema) and then going to sleep ready for Uni. When it comes to evening I am constantly worried about not waking up and missing lectures, or something along those lines, and it really has sucked me into a routine (kind of) of just living for Uni, which is probably not the best approach as such but is happening naturally.

Anyway, I should get off. I'm going to on a trip today and they won't be best pleased if I turn up to the coach in my underwear and looking like a hobo. Talking of hobo's though, there was an Irish hobo sat on a step the other day, and at first he was really nice while asking me for money, and when I kept walking he said, and in an Irish accent may I add (just imagine it) 'Ya filthy faggot. God looks unkindly on your kind and you're gunna go ta hell ya know'.

Which was lovely.

Until next time,

x

Universe-ity

I'm now officially a student.

Its weird being so far away from home, not being able to pop into my grandmas for a coffee and see all my auntys and uncles, cousins, my brother and sister in law... It kind of makes things hard. Its not that I miss them all as such, just that I worry about them. I don't know how they all are, and sure I get the odd Facebook message telling me everything back home is okay, but Its not the same as seeing it for yourself.

Student life has been okay. I'm almost skint thanks to the student loans company fucking me about and not giving me my money. I literally have £10 left to last me until whenever it goes in, lovely that. It doesn't make moving home and going half way across the country any easier, trust me.

Sorry if I have been negative so far, there just seems so much more to worry about now. I have however made some good friends. Not a large amount of friends but some good ones nevertheless. Its strange actually, its like I have known some of the people much longer than I have, which is actually just since Sunday. haha.

Oh, I went to a freshers party the other night too, which was good. I'm not a big drinker, nor like drinking much (despite what people think), but it was a really good night. I went home early as i couldn't consume or stay awake much longer, but all in all I think I did quite well for me.

Its like this is a new planet, a new Universe, everything in it is unfamiliar and new. Sometimes I struggle and find it hard to breath and just want to be back on my own, and others the freshness of being away from where I was is so empowering. Its like... shit, i'm really here.

Anyway, I have to be in a lecture soon, and i'm still in my underwear, which won't go down well. So bye for now and hope to blog about something else soon. I feel i've been so vacant and neglected you all, and used this blog for more personal than random, but hope you can all forgive me.

Toodles peeps,

x

The more people ask of living, the less their fear of dying?

"When life demands more of people than they demand of life-- as is ordinarily the case-- the result is a resentment of life that is almost as deap-seated as the fear of death. Indeed, the resentment of life and the fear of death are virtually synonymous. Does it follow, then, that the more people ask of living, the less their fear of dying?"

Even Cowgirls Get The Blues
Tom Robbins

So, later this week my grandad is having major surgey to try remove an aneurysm which is at the top of the scale (yes, there is such a thing) of aneurysms. He's had it years now, and never known. Its one of the biggest the hospitals he is having the operation at has ever seen, and tried to remove. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried, or that I didn't expect the worst. Its times like this I wish I was more optimistic, that I could hope for the best instead of thinking of the worst.

Then earlier this week my grandma had a mini stroke. I saw her for the first time today and I really wish I hadn't. Its just not a nice sight to behold when one of the people you love more than anything in this whole world barely looks like the person you know and love. It could have been much worse, but I hated seeing her how she was.

Both my grandparents this week have things going on which really makes you realise how much you love family members. For some reason you just never expect grandparents to fall badly ill, or have problems. I didn't anyway. I know no-one can live forever, that would be stupid, but when its someone who has just always been there in your life, it kind of seems unreal to imagine a life without them.

My grandad for me has always been my father figure, the only man in this whole world who I could ever see as my dad. Although I can never say I have had a real heart to heart, a real conversation about my feelings on a subject, I can say I have come closer to having one with him than any other man on this earth, and that means alot. We share different views, we share different opinions, much like many family members, but the way he sees me as a son and I see him as a father figure, for me, is more than I could ever ask of a grandfather/grandson relationship.

He is one of those elderly men who always puts on a brave face. He went through a war, lived through a war, lived through times and things I will probably and hopefully never witness. He is in alot of pain, alot of the time, but never shows it when the family are around. He loves his wife, his family, life. Even today, the day before he goes into hospital, he just went about life like it was any other day. He watched Countdown, made everyone coffee and tea, had a sandwich, went to Tesco. At the same time, all of us, the family, went to see him.

For me, today was the last day I will see him before the operation, before I leave for University on Saturday. If anything happens, good or bad, I won't be here. We have known for months now that an operation was going to happen at some point, last week we found out it would be this week, and it all became real. Throughout the last few months I have been visiting more often, secretly just making sure I had enough time with him, just in case. Today I made sure I had one more photograph with him, just in case.

I could cry right now while writing all this.

It's not the fact that I really expect the worst, but I'm stubborn in the way I need to think the worst and hopefully the better will come, thus making me more happy than I ever could have been if I had thought the best or for one moment expected everything to go well and then was dissapointed with the outcome. It just makes more sense to me this way. It does however mean I go through many battles, think the worst and get upset, but its hard.

I'm pretty sure no-one will have read all this, I didn't and don't expect anyone to, but simply being able to express my thoughts makes things more clear and blows the dust off the old mind matter. For me, if I think through my thoughts hard enough to try and make a clear written communication, it makes those thoughts more easy to understand and easier to put into some sort of order. If I see the thoughts as words, they make more sense, otherwise they are all there and I have no idea what to do with them.

Time is at once the most valuable and most perishable of all our possessions.

John Randolph

Pierrot the Clown

I'm drowning in self-pity today.

It just hit me again that everything is so complicated now, with adult life comes adult responsibilities, with age comes expectation. If I told you I didn't understand alot of things, that would be the truth, but i'm too busy trying to convince everyone around me that i'm fine and in the process only seem to achieve making myself worse.

Its a scary time for me, exciting also, but mainly scary. I wish more than anything that I could be back in that school playground as a child with little to worry about. Wish more than anything I could turn back time and maybe take the steps I was too afraid to take. I guess i'll be wishing these things for the rest of my life.

I don't know how some people do it. Live an adult life I mean. I've just started taking the baby steps and already I feel at a dead end before the path has even begun. Maybe its all about learning, and with learning comes a greater peace of mind, but I can safely say at the moment there is little in terms of peace that I seem to be having dished up on my dinner plate.

Why, when I keep my side of the bargain, can others not be the same?

I apologise for being like this. Its just a time when I have so many questions, worries and fears, that I have to get them out. The imagination still lives on, and deep inside I don't know if I will ever lose the magic and poetry. I always fear I will lose that which makes me myself in an adult world, a world where you need to be 'grown up'. I feel stamped on, thrown in the factory only to come out a carbon copy. I went in a tree, I come out a piece of paper, like millions of others.

Pessimist or realist. I'm seriously wondering.

I can never really tell people how I feel in life. I just smile and pretend everything is okay. Its like a mask, as soon as I wake it goes on, when I sleep it comes off but is always close. I just found out my grandma has had a bit of bad health, and my grandad later in the week will be having major surgery. How should I feel when come Saturday i'll be travelling to the other side of the country?

I'll leave this here. I shouldn't blog when I feel the way I feel now. No-one wants to read about others issues when there are many i'm sure you have yourself, and many with much worse.

'If civilization is ever going to be anything but a grandiose pratfall, anything more than a can of deodorizer in the shithouse of existence, then people are going to have to concern themselves with magic and poetry' Tom Robbins

A boring Blog... No, really.

Firstly, sorry for the lack of communication, if you even noticed at all that I was gone from this 'blogosphere'.

I've been pretty vacant all weekend. Started Friday night with a celebration for my birthday, and as usual the negative vibe I get before going ends up being pretty accurate. It was a disaster of a night, a disaster of epic proportions... infact it sunk with the Titanic it was such a fucking fail.

It just went very, very, very wrong... for a number of reasons which would be wrong to discuss. I had little to do with the disaster and although you may be thinking 'Yeah right, we all say that', its true.

So that was that.

Then for the rest of the weekend I have been very lazy, and then very busy, then lazy again. I've been sorting out some more stuff for Uni, sifting through 18 years worth of hoarding madness and in general trying to clear everything before the big move.

I also gave my beautiful gerbils a new home. Myles and Dave are no longer my babies. It was sad letting them go, but they went to a good home. My bedroom looks very dull and uninteresting without them and there is no-one I can moan at who won't moan back at me for moaning.

That was that.

Then i've simply been watching The Tribe, Beautiful People and a few other DVD's, as well as taking music from my old computer that I no longer have on CD and putting them on this newer computer. I even found some vintage S Club and the spin off kiddy band S Club Juniors (who I saw live back in the day ya know).

So its been a very mixed bag of a weekend. Not quite my normal routine, not quite amazing and never quite sane, but still... It was what it was.

In other news, I will soon be putting in motion my masterplan blog, which as I have said before you may not like... or maybe I will be surprised and you will.

'Til then. Au Revoir!

x

It's My Birthday and I'll Blog If I Want To!

Birthdays for me have never been anything exciting. I'm still trying to remove the mental scars from when I was younger and got Hungry Hippo's instead of a PS2 that I wanted.


Today I turned 19. Quite a dissapointing age really. Last year was a biggie, a milestone almost. Last year was my official start to adult life... this year its just not exciting, nor is it big. One thing I can say is that its my last official year as a teenager, which is both a good and bad thing. The optimist in me says it will be the end to my mood swings, the end of bad skin and worrying too much about how I look, the realist in me says i'll be having and worrying about those things for a lifetime, the pessimist says i'm just getting older and soon enough my childhood will be so distant I won't remember it, and also that i'm simply another year closer to wrinkles and death. Yey!

So, today I did nothing exciting, newsworthy or even what can be considered a celebration as such. I went to my grandparents, we went to McD's (I know, glam eh?) and then I helped my grandad get his study back together. Is this a sign of being more grown up? If so, give me a time machine so I can be youthful again. Grant me that wish will ya?

Tomorrow however I'm going out and celebrating in a way which is more sticking with the status quo. I'm going on a piss up. I don't really enjoy drinking, I really don't, however much of a lie that may seem. I don't really enjoy going out and drinking should I say. I don't mind when i'm indoors, nice and warm, with a few friends and a nice DVD or some music in the background, but I really dislike social drinking in nightclubs or wherever else. There are a few reasons. I always seem to be the person that attracts knobheads, I get insulted and looked at menacingly... Its just not pleasent. This is not to say I won't enjoy it, I may, I have done in the past, but there is always that doubt with me.

Before I seem to be having my neg-head on (Oh, I just made up a word!), I did enjoy today. I spent it with some of my family, and what more can I hope for when soon they will not be in my life as often with the big move to University. I've been spending as much time as I can get with them, because I know soon I will probably be wanting to see them and not have the chance as i'm at the other side of the country. As well as that, i'll be missing out on some important and possibly life changing events. I will miss out on the birth of my first niece or nephew, I'll not be here to know if my Grandad come out okay after a pretty huge operation. Big things really, to me anyway.

Okay, I do have my neg-head on today a little, and I apologise, but I want to thank everyone who has taken the time to wish me a happy birthday. I really have appreciated the thought, be it on Twitter or in real life, through text, email or on the phone. They have all meant alot to me. So thank you.

Right, I must be off. I'm going for a small walk with a friend of mine. Another one of my 'Spend as much time as I can while I can' events. Again, not newsworthy, but perfect all the same.

Bye for now.

x

The Dream Must Stay Alive

I thought I would use this post to vent a little. You see, something has been eating away in the back of my mind for a while now and if I don't get it out soon I may just end up blowing my top. And yes, I did rip off The Tribe for the title of this blog, it relates a little but not much.

Since I was a child, I have known what I wanted to do in my life. I have always dreamed of making movies. Now, by child I mean for as long as I can remember. When I was around 9 years old I got my first ever camcorder. It was a brick of a thing, which belonged first to my grandad. We could never afford a new one, ever, but I was totally over the moon when on Christmas morning I woke up and had this amazing thing I had always wanted.

From then on I spent hours filming. I'd film planes out my window, film my toys and make stop motion animations. I'd film action films in my old garage and make explosions with concrete powder, or film wildlife documentaries. Me and my friend also once attempted to film the whole of The Lord of The Rings, just the two of us. I would film the whole thing and she would play every character, but because I had no way of editing it between each shot she would get changed into the next character and then I would film the next bit.

I spent hours watching films, analysing scenes and watching the behind the scenes footage to learn and try to perfect how to do everything. This was all before I had even gone to high school.

In short, I knew what I wanted and I was trying to learn what I could to achieve my dream.

After high school I made the decision to study Media Production at college. A two year long course where I was hoping to learn as much as possible. I did learn, I tried hard and I left with good results. The next step I am taking is a three year degree studying Film and TV Production.

These are all little steps which I hope may help me get to where I want to go, but this is where my annoyance and point of this post comes in... I'm told I am studying a 'Mickey Mouse' course.

Yes, everything I have done so far is simply not worth much. If it ain't English and something amazingly academic then obviously I am wasting my time. Its funny how there are screenwriters, directors, producers and broadcasters who are praised for the work they do, and yet taking the first steps to achieve this only leads to scorn and a dissaproving frown. The value of a degree in Media to alot of people, including the government, is very little. Its a stupid course for stupid people who have no realistic outlook on life, these people will never get a job where they want one, and obviously they will end up working in McDonalds.

It may sound harsh, but this is what I have been told in the past, and recently, and simply by browsing the internet and looking for discussions the general opinon is the same. If it ain't academic, it ain't worth shit.

Wrong. Do these people actually understand what you learn in these courses? I think not. Someone in my family once said 'Yeah, we can all sit and watch films all day and point a camera'. Yes, we can, but its much more than that. Practical work isn't simply pointing a camera and hoping for the best, everything that you do has to be backed up with theoretical points, nothing can be accidental and everything needs and explanation. Everything. It all has to be planned out, every detail, you have to explain not only why you do what you do but how you do it.

Thats in a nutshell. Then comes to theory side of things. Yes, we watch films, but when you have to analyse every single shot in that film, explaining why certain things were done certain ways, why everything is done the way its done and making sure you can fully understand every decision made, its not really watching a film anymore. And then there is the history of the film business, the business of the film business, the social impacts film has, the way advertising is used and other various areas. When I studied production at college, I had to know about all this, in great depth, and write massive dissertations on those subjects.

As well as this, I had to study the effects the media has on people, how certain people are effected by things, how it may influence us or change societal conventions and the psyche of the individual. I studied social classes and how people can be catorgorised according to what kind of media they consume. All of this just the theory based side.

At the same time as learning all of the above, the theoretical aspects of film, there was the production side I touched upon, where there were many projects that took months to prepare and execute, and whilst all of this was happening I was also doing a side course in Journalism, a side course in Radio related studies and also photography, interactive media and various other areas.

Does that all sound like something easy? Because if you think it is you would be wrong. It takes time and effort, and like everything you get out of it what you put in. There were people who did little in this subject, and they got little out of it, I put my heart into it and got alot. The worst thing is that although I did well, when I hear comments from people saying the course is easy and stupid, or that I will amount to nothing because of my chosen subject, it makes me both sad and rather angry.

I understand its a subject which is competitive, but it opens lots of doors and there are many fields which I can enter afterwards. In the same way, I don't see how English can be so much better, are there really more options?

One of the main things which annoys me is this. The government who have said themselves that the course I am studying isn't as worthwhile has others has succeeded in making me think even less fondly of them. Infact, I would go as far as to say the mightily make me lose faith altogether. Its more the point that I am trying to succeed, trying to do the best I can, and yet this isn't good enough? In a time when unemployment figures are at a low, is it wrong that I am doing something which is said to increase my changes? Or that I am making the steps to try and better myself?

It would be easy for me to go on the dole. I guess I could happily sign on, but I won't. There are a few reasons, one being that I don't want to live my life without knowing I didn't try, what would be the point?

And so it boils down to this. Media related degrees and courses are not easy, simple and for the thick people who have no ambition. They are not less substantial than any other degree, its just ignorance and small mindedness that makes people think they are. No, I am no rocket scientist, I cannot save lives or help the world, but I feel I have a talent and a passion and its something I work hard to achieve. Can you really condemn a guy for trying?

I could ramble on much longer about this, I really could, but I shall end it here.

Rant Over.

Whats in a date?

Today is the 09/09/09. 999. The ninth day of the ninth month of the ninth year. Whats in a date? 47

2000, the millenium passed without an apocalypse. 06/06/06, 666, was just another uneventful Tuesday. 10

November 2009 predicted world population to reach almost 6.8 billion. 6.8 Revelation concerns the 4th horseman, death. 9, nein, no. no, no, no.

25 On this day in the year 1971 'Imagine' by John Lennon was released. In 1911, Italy declared war. In 1999 93 people were killed in an apartment building bomb explosion in Russia.

Does this have any meaning? 32 Nein. Should it? Nein.

Yes, I am rambling. 6

In honesty, this is simply my idea of perverting coincidence.

Blog of Revelations

I'm an open minded guy. I enjoy finding out about new things, learning about religion and what people believe in, because if I am ignorant to it I can't honestly have an opinion on it. The thing I don't like is when people try and force something upon you, or doorstep you and post leaflets.

I respect the people who have a belief and a hope in something, people who follow something and love something, but I dislike it when they aim to convert the unconverted into it at every available chance.

I was once a Christian. Once, past tense. One of the things I hated was the fact that I was expected and told in the bible to 'spread the word', to save the immortal souls of those who had not recieved the message, who had not heard the good news, or gospel. This good news was that God so loved the world he sent his one and only son Jesus Christ to die for me. I didn't want people learning about it and knowing about it through a leaflet, or me preaching every two seconds about how great and loving the Lord was. When I found Christianity, it happened naturally, I became interested, I knew a Christian, I asked some questions and went along with them to church and soon after started to believe some of what I heard. I latched onto religion at a time when nothing else in my life was really trustworthy, when things were rough... and this is my point, when I found it, I accepted it and took it in because I wanted to, not because I was forced into it or because a leaflet told me I was going to hell if I didn't listen to what I was being told.

I'm no longer a Christian as I have already said, and that is simply because I couldn't understand or justify some of the things I was told to think. The teachings simply didn't mean much to me, and if I couldn't justify what was 'Gods word' how could I justify God? It was a very personal thing, as is religion or a belief to everyone. I respect people who can believe in it, but for me it wasn't right.

One of the things I was told and taught in the Bible was to spread the word of God. If I could tell someone who didn't know, and they then went on to believe, in essense I had saved someone. In the same way, thats all the people who post these leaflets on doorsteps and hold signs in town centres are doing, trying to save people. They have the best intentions at heart, I understand that, I've been in similar situations, but I dislike it.

Christianity came at a time when I needed it, it was a calling card, something to believe in when I didn't have faith in myself. It helped, alot. I'm thankful. Looking back I can see why I choose religion as something to hold onto, but with the religion came the dogma, the change. I soon became another clone to the many millions of other Christians. I was no longer who I felt I really was. No longer myself.

There were good things about having faith in something. I didn't fear death as I believed after death there was life, an eternal world where all would be happy, no pain, no fear, no hate, no war. I wasn't scared of living, I believed it was a test to prepare me for what was to come. I finally had a father figure in my life, not a father who was there but one who had always been there. I almost had an adopted family in the friends I made at church. The thing about faith is that it is just that, a faith, a belief in something that although it might not be seen or be physical you still believe to be real.

I don't doubt some of it is. I'm not saying its wrong... I just couldn't do it myself. Although I had this faith and belief in something I could not see, it was the things I could that made me realise a faith is not the right thing for me, as in me personally. I could see pain, I would see images of war and death and corruption on TV, I felt pain. I simply could not believe in a god who would love the world so much he sent his son to die for us would not make things a little better. I couldn't. I can't.

I do really get interested in Religion, faiths, cults, beliefs and spiritual things though. I find it fascinating. I love the history and poetic thinking written in holy books. I like finding new things, trying new things and finding what other people think. I think looking back I kind of rushed into making a descision, a choice about what I wanted to commit my life to. Christianity was there, is here now and its easy to access. There are churches up and down the country, specialist shops selling Christian books, many a Christian to talk to. Thats the thing, I knew it was close and I could be let into that world, and I did.

Now I see it all like a shop. I can look around and browse whats on offer. I can inspect the clothes and see if I really like them. I can try things on and if it doesn't fit I put it down again because I have no obligation to buy it. I like that.

I still keep with me some of the teachings I learnt while I was a Christian, but I also take teachings from philosophy, other religions and practices, art, literature, music, film, popular culture. I live in a way I have molded for myself now, and if I said I didn't think it was for the better... I'd be lying.

x