08:02

Sometimes you can think you have some things that are real, but then soon enough they always fall down like everything else. I'm fed up of trying to sustain things, to always be the one that attempts to mend the fractured pieces. This always happens, and yet it still comes as a shock when it does, and why I wonder? Well, because things break when you least expect, or when everything else is breaking around you. It just has a habit of happening this way. But you see the true colors in times like this, the eyes open wide and the obvious stares you in the face. You learn.

These are the times which looking back I will appreciate the most, because no matter how bad things get, when I have pulled through and come out stronger, it's a reward.

I apologise for anyone who follows me on Twitter recently, because every day I have posted negative, ranty and totally self-obsessed tweets, which isn't what I originally set out to do with the medium. It's like this place, I set out to do one thing and iit gradually gets back to being a place to rant and get things off my chest, which is good for the old soul from my end but to those witnessing it, it must be tiring and boring. I admit, it helps... its the fact that its a place where I can simply get things off my mind, but I apologise, and thank those who stick with me and reply... It does mean a lot.

I have noticed I have 12 draft blogs... ones which I started and finished and then never posted for various reasons. I have done this alot often, mainly out of fear of simply being boring, or for writing shit along these lines which no-one would want to read. However, at one point I might just stick them all together and post a huge blog, which no-one will read but which will be there regardless.

I fancy a change of scenery as well, so at some point in the near future this place might look a bit different... but we will see.

Au Revoir dears,

x JH

I fell for the promise of life with a purpose

This was written last night... but for some reason I forgot to post it.

Fuck you rain! Yeah... fuck you. Somehow telling you over the internet feels better than shouting it in the middle of the street. Somehow. As the water seeped into my shoes, I remembered home, salty in my memory and far enough away for the cold to take hold. Home, a strange word. Anywhere I lay my head can be considered home and when I’m back home no doubt I will feel the need to leave again. I don’t feel this is my home, not yet. I’m not familiar with the streets; I don’t know the people... I fear being alone within its imaginary walls. Home is simply a word people created to make themselves feel comfortable in one place.

I don’t know... I’m not thinking clearly. This whole blog is a wheel spin in the shit. My day has been filled with doubt of many kinds. I’ve been out, I’ve been with people, I did work... and still I felt no sense of reality in any of it. Underneath though, in my mind somewhere deep and hidden I know there is pain and suffering everywhere, somewhere... and I’m not the centre of the earth, I’m not important. For all that though, it still feels like I am suffering. In my own way. At my own pace. By myself.

Infact, Bright Eyes has been keeping me company of late. I've been listening to Conor's words on repeat. He has a way with words, a way of summing up my exact thoughts both lyrically and musically. This is why I love music... it becomes a friend in times of need.

Days spill into each other like ink on a canvas, and I don’t know where I am anymore. I go through the same routine, day after day... or some days I mix things up and go the complete opposite. I go from a human to a creature of the night, and I sleep away the days. As I have said before, I prefer the night. The silence feels comfortable.

Friends are strange things. I still don’t know what a real friend is, or at least I don’t think so. I have never felt a bond so strong that I keep friendships up forever. I just don’t. When I move on, in general, so do they, and I too. When I see friends together, I do wonder if I look the same with people I am with often, or if I look uncomfortable with it, the company. I always seem to attract the people though that give little and take a lot, time and energy, various forms of communication, life. Sometimes it makes me think, and when I think like this I just want to curl into a ball and hide in the shadows. I should be grateful for what I have because it’s more than some, but there is this constant knot in me that always seems to get caught.

Something else that annoys me is people who are consistently late... but thats another story.

Everything feels like a competition... and I’m losing. I’m just a spelling mistake on a sheet of paper. What a sad view of life this is. Yet it is what it is, and although I despise and hate the way I feel, I still find comfort in it. It’s an addiction this mindset. You want with everything to just leave it behind but at the same time it seems to be a part of you, an integral part of your very fibre and being... though it’s not.

I write often about this feeling. This mindset. And I have realised that the only reason I do so is not in figuring things out as I go along, as I once thought. It’s not that it’s a way to make sense of something that otherwise seems senseless... I write it all down because I one day hope for it to pass. It’s that simple. I hope one day I may look back and see I have overcome this demon that lives within me, this plaque that rots my life at the moment. And because of that hope, it gives me strength to carry on.

'I fell for the promise of a life with a purpose'

Bright Eyes - If Winter Ends

All is full of love... and money.

I hate adverts. I really do, in every form. Although I don't have a TV anymore, this time of year always screams one thing... money.

They (adverts) give you these ideals about what life is...

A slow fade in from black to a mountain scene and a woman whispering in your ear some beautiful poetry about water, a swan sits in the lake, a child in red wellington boots, an old couple dancing a waltz and throwing food at each other but smiling all the way... lovely music, with cello, a cresendo of strings.

And then the punchline... just as the hair on your neck stands on end and your nipples are hard...

BUY THIS THING.

If you don't buy this chocolate/car/fucking useless piece of shite... your life will never have such beauty and poetry, ever.

Same with the hip adverts with sexy young models running around half naked with the ripped muscles of their torso's dripping in some form of shiny water based stuff... pumping music and sexy french accents.

BUY THIS THING.

If you don't buy this smelly water you can never wish to be beautiful and wanted, never even think of being irresistable. If you don't have a body like a god then the same applies... infact, if you are not this idea of beauty, why are you even alive? But this smelly water will possibly help you, because the smell will put people off your ugly ass face.

And this is where the problem lies dear friend... I want all of these things.

I want the swans in slow motion and the poetry.

Y'know?

It's the same for things you NEED to buy for other people... That toy for a child you might know, that CD for your mother with shitty pop songs and horrid balleds, that band your cousin really loves that keeps appearing on the TV...

If I buy that CD, my mum will love me a million times more than normal this x-mas... All for the cheap price of £9.99... oh yes, eternal love. When in reality it ends up at the back of a draw somewhere and gets listened to only when she is decorating and is fed up of listening to Elvis (which happens rarely).

I hate this side of Christmas, and the overwhelming feeling of being skint yet knowing I need to set that little bit aside to get someone something. I would seriously like to be rich one year, and splash out and buy everyone the thing they really want, but i'm not rich... and this christmas will be hard enough as it is because currently I am wondering how I survive until the next bit of money comes in on the 18th of January... Make sense?

Yeah... Being young at christmas is awesome. You get everything and no-one expects jack shit... and then you are 18 and you are expected, and what do you say to that? I would cancel it if I could. I think people are only giving me money anyway, so why not just say 'It's cool love, with that £10 go buy yourself something you REALLY want, and tell yourself its from me, even its a shitty bottle of wine from Tesco'.

And so... the christmas blues have come early this year. Well, its to be expected when I see it shoved in my face everywhere I turn.

This has been a pointless and far too long rant... and yes, I know that... but I'm bored, and its on my mind, and this is what a blog is for, no? I won't lie, I still love christmas simply because it means some time with family, its a time we all get together, which in itself is good enough.

Right... I have a jar of coffee screaming at me to consume its contents, and I cannot resist.

Until next time (which might just be sooner rather than later, but who knows?),

JH

x

Tell me what it's worth...

‘No, no. Listen, listen. He said that if they dug his father's body up, it would be gone. They planted a seed over his grave. The seed became a tree. Moses said his father became a part of that tree. He grew into the wood, into the bloom. And when a sparrow ate the tree's fruit, his father flew with the birds. He said... death was his father's road to awe. That's what he called it. The road to awe.’


I'm not afraid anymore.

I was thinking last night about the journey I’ve been on through life so far. It started okay, I didn't have a terrible childhood or an amazing one, it was just normal. I grew up like many kids, without a father, raised in a single parent household. We had and still have little money, times were rough often, but at the same time I had a loving family, I had a home and I had a quality of life which far outruns that of what many children have.

Third world countries starve, I had food. Some kids live on the streets, I had a roof over my head.


Through school although expectations of me were low, I tried my hardest and worked hard, and I got the grades. Grades are not everything, but they give you a worthwhile feeling, like it’s something you can be proud of. I did okay for myself, I broke the expectations, and I tried hard to do that. I’ve gone through life always trying, but I hide the fact I try hard. I hide the work I put into things, and people just think I can naturally do well, when often it’s the opposite and it’s through trying again and again.

And so I’ve been thinking, as always... about the past, the present, the future.

As the wind blows wildly outside and the waters fall, I feel a storm brewing inside myself. There is so much happening and so much has changed, yet I’m still the same person. When I think back to my childhood, of course I remember all of the above, but what I remember the most is how I felt, what I saw through my eyes and felt in my heart.

It’s these things that I remember vividly, and though I’m older now, and some would say wiser, I still feel and see the same things. I see hate, I see disorder, I feel pain, I suffer. I don’t help myself when I should, I let others walk all over me... I guess, what I’m really saying is... it’s always been the same.

This trait in me, this lack of ability to stand up and say enough is enough, is what causes me the most trouble and pain. It makes life harder, in many ways. It means I am an easy target, in many ways. And for all the times I feel myself inside being tormented and for all the times I want to stand my ground... I can’t.

It doesn’t come naturally to me.

One thing my granddad said to me before I left for Uni was 'Don't let people take advantage of you'... and so far I have failed with that. But looking back... I have always failed with that.

I would think trying to be the best you can be would lead to being happy, but it doesn’t.

Fuck. Tell me what it’s worth, please?

An update...

Have you forgotten about me yet? It's been a while I know, but with good reason. I've been so damn busy! Okay... maybe not a good reason, but very true.

Anyway, I pretty much have a free weekend apart from a screening of a film and a Q&A with the director tonight, so all being well, if I remember and can get all my thoughts into something considered to be a logical pattern, I shall write.

Before I go shower and start getting ready for the long day/night ahead, I just wanna thank anyone who still reads what I have to say. I don't know who you are, I never get comments or feedback on here (though I have had a few on Twitter), but if you do take the time to read my rambling and moaning, it does mean alot.

I've been wanting to get some sort of counter so I know if anyone visits this place, but can't seem to find one. I'm rather terrible with the technical shit in life... But yeah, if anyone can help it would be nice.

Anyway, expect the unexpected and hope you're Friday the 13th went by without too many troubles.

Love as always,

Moi

xoxo