The more people ask of living, the less their fear of dying?

"When life demands more of people than they demand of life-- as is ordinarily the case-- the result is a resentment of life that is almost as deap-seated as the fear of death. Indeed, the resentment of life and the fear of death are virtually synonymous. Does it follow, then, that the more people ask of living, the less their fear of dying?"

Even Cowgirls Get The Blues
Tom Robbins

So, later this week my grandad is having major surgey to try remove an aneurysm which is at the top of the scale (yes, there is such a thing) of aneurysms. He's had it years now, and never known. Its one of the biggest the hospitals he is having the operation at has ever seen, and tried to remove. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried, or that I didn't expect the worst. Its times like this I wish I was more optimistic, that I could hope for the best instead of thinking of the worst.

Then earlier this week my grandma had a mini stroke. I saw her for the first time today and I really wish I hadn't. Its just not a nice sight to behold when one of the people you love more than anything in this whole world barely looks like the person you know and love. It could have been much worse, but I hated seeing her how she was.

Both my grandparents this week have things going on which really makes you realise how much you love family members. For some reason you just never expect grandparents to fall badly ill, or have problems. I didn't anyway. I know no-one can live forever, that would be stupid, but when its someone who has just always been there in your life, it kind of seems unreal to imagine a life without them.

My grandad for me has always been my father figure, the only man in this whole world who I could ever see as my dad. Although I can never say I have had a real heart to heart, a real conversation about my feelings on a subject, I can say I have come closer to having one with him than any other man on this earth, and that means alot. We share different views, we share different opinions, much like many family members, but the way he sees me as a son and I see him as a father figure, for me, is more than I could ever ask of a grandfather/grandson relationship.

He is one of those elderly men who always puts on a brave face. He went through a war, lived through a war, lived through times and things I will probably and hopefully never witness. He is in alot of pain, alot of the time, but never shows it when the family are around. He loves his wife, his family, life. Even today, the day before he goes into hospital, he just went about life like it was any other day. He watched Countdown, made everyone coffee and tea, had a sandwich, went to Tesco. At the same time, all of us, the family, went to see him.

For me, today was the last day I will see him before the operation, before I leave for University on Saturday. If anything happens, good or bad, I won't be here. We have known for months now that an operation was going to happen at some point, last week we found out it would be this week, and it all became real. Throughout the last few months I have been visiting more often, secretly just making sure I had enough time with him, just in case. Today I made sure I had one more photograph with him, just in case.

I could cry right now while writing all this.

It's not the fact that I really expect the worst, but I'm stubborn in the way I need to think the worst and hopefully the better will come, thus making me more happy than I ever could have been if I had thought the best or for one moment expected everything to go well and then was dissapointed with the outcome. It just makes more sense to me this way. It does however mean I go through many battles, think the worst and get upset, but its hard.

I'm pretty sure no-one will have read all this, I didn't and don't expect anyone to, but simply being able to express my thoughts makes things more clear and blows the dust off the old mind matter. For me, if I think through my thoughts hard enough to try and make a clear written communication, it makes those thoughts more easy to understand and easier to put into some sort of order. If I see the thoughts as words, they make more sense, otherwise they are all there and I have no idea what to do with them.

Time is at once the most valuable and most perishable of all our possessions.

John Randolph