You have to lose something to gain something

Damn, I keep forgetting to update this thing, and in general most of the things I plan on doing I never get around to doing anyway as new things come that I plan on doing or need to actually do.

Since my last update, things are generally not too bad at all, in fact, they might be rather good.

Creative juices are in full flow, and aside from the minor (once or twice major) hiccup within my mental state, I've been one of those bouncy type people who walk around as if the world has never witnessed pain and wars were never invented or happened.


I love my new house, I seem to have solid friendships almost, I'm enjoying my education more as this year there have been some changes to how the course works... I have little to complain about.

On the one hand, this has all been good, but on the other it hasn't prevented a number of attacks I have made on myself, or old habits have not died, which begs the question... will they ever?

If things are good and I can still create reasons for the bad, or if things are sunny and I can make clouds and react to the rain, then where does this whole thing stop? Will I ever be able to just live and be totally happy and not have to resort to my safe little bubble and control techniques?

It's a strange one, and something I don't understand just yet. I've been looking into getting help for some issues I have, or asking people who have been through similar things what they did, but I can't pluck up the courage to just burst through a door and let a complete stranger tell me how to sort my life out... which maybe I should be willing to do, but which is something that scares the hell out of me.

Anyway, I'm currently working on a new film. It's all about a character reacting to an event in her life and hiding inside herself to escape it. It's proving hard to piece together, but if it works I imagine it will be pretty different to anything I have come up with and worked on before, which can only be a good thing, and even if it fails epically I will hopefully learn some lessons along the way.

I bought a new camera by the way, as in video camera, and I rather love it, but i'm now skint and probably can't afford food... but you have to lose something to gain something right?

This has been long and boring and hasn't made much sense. I better be off.

I'm going as a vampire to a Halloween house party tonight and I'm currently dying from the fumes of this hair dye. It's weird that I'm actually going to a house party, I normally avoid social things like the plague, but this year I am attempting to cure some of my fears and get into the habit of doing more things and not being alone all the time.

Anyway, happy Halloween people!

Hugs and puppies,

Moi

x

How can I make you remember me?

It's been a long time since I last blogged, and for that I can only apologise but also mention that back home I have no internet and little means in which to update this place which very few people, if any, have interest in.

It's been a strange few months.

I had to leave university early as my mum went into hospital a number of times and I wanted to be there not only to support the family back home but also to look after her once she came out, which I did, but which I speak little of... for the simple reason that in reality I should, and I have not in the past, and I deserve no thanks or sympathy (not that I would get such a thing) for something that isn't a chore but needs to be done.

She is pretty much better now after all these weeks, but it was a terribly scary time. I guess I was pretty close to losing her, and that isn't something I ever thought I would say... parents always seem like they will be there forever, and though that isn't true and we all know it, being close to her not being with me wasn't the best feeling in the world and made me realise that I take her so much for granted. In a way, it's been a positive and negative experience; negative for obvious reasons but positive because I realise now that I should never, ever take for granted the people who are in my life, and more so the family which I am lucky to have.

For all the times I moan and whine about them, they are the only people who will be with me until I or they are no longer able to be, that's what you are unknowingly signed into when you are in a family... at least I believe, and that's not a bad thing in the slightest.

So anyway, that was a major thing.


Other than that, I turned 20, which is a significant and scary jump from being 19. Do you know when you are young and 20 seems like an age you will never reach and everyone who is 20 is officially old? It dawned on me that those fears I had of getting older back then, and I did have and still do have an immense fear of getting old, those feelings though surfaced, and on the night of my birthday I spent most of it crying and in deep thought.

It sounds petty, I know that, but it scares me. 20 isn't old, at all, but in my mind it just seemed to creep up and take me by surprise, and there isn't anything I can do about it, so I just have to deal with it, and I still haven't... quite yet.

I don't know why either but dropping the 'teen' from the end of my age was this explosion of sheer dread. I am officially getting quite old, or at least old in a young persons way, but I guess young in an adult way, which probably makes little sense.

So yeah, I had another birthday, and I hate birthdays...

Other than that I camped out quite a bit, got drunk a bit more (which I rarely do socially at all so that was a new experience for me), I went to two gay prides (which I enjoyed despite my reservations which I may or may not have expressed at some point or time on this blog or on any number of other websites), I almost got a boyfriend (then decided I didn't like the guy enough so called it off before feelings were invested and people got hurt)...


I also started a few creative projects, but finished none of them.

The plan was to record an album, only instrumental, but an album none-the-less... and I did a few songs and gave up, because I was fed up of technology not doing what I wanted it to do and not having anything good in terms of equipment which would make anything sound anything like I wanted it to or it should have.

I also wanted to write a book, which I got majorly excited about and invested a bit of time in, but then a few chapters in I lost all motivation to continue, but hopefully at some point in the future will find again and finish it.

I wanted to create some really nice artwork but did a few things which are not exactly different to anything I have done in the past and which in honesty isn't anything I am proud of.

So in the end, that all went rather shit.

During the holidays I also had a really bad time and didn't leave the house for a long time. Many factors led up to what could I guess be described as a 'break down'. This lasted probably for a month, and it was probably worse than many 'break downs' I have had in the past where I just can't face the world and everything seems to be against me. I guess I'm over it now.


The best things I did was go to three gigs. I went to see Jonsi (the lead singer of Sigur Ros) who was simply stunning. Not only was the music incredible and heart-breaking in a live setting, but there were amazing projections on a huge screen behind the band that were utterly amazing to view and which really made it unforgettable.

I also saw William Control (the lead singer of Aiden) which was really good. It was such an intimate venue and we were at the front and literally stood just before him, which was great as I have had pictures of him on my wall since I was younger. I got to meet him too which was cool, and I have a photo (which I will probably post at some point).

Most recently I saw Get Cape Wear Cape Fly who were also great. I'd not seen them since they played at Leeds Festival back in 2007 and although this time wasn't as good as that (mainly because in honesty the new material is quite different and I really loved the first album and still do, but like the others) it was still really enjoyable and he played a good mixture of stuff from his discography. I met him too, and he signed all four albums for me which was lovely of him.

Then on the 15th of this month I packed my bags and came back to Uni, moved into a new house, got new flatmates and started my course once more. It's nice to be back in a strange way, just because I have some sort of security in knowing that there will be something to occupy me in the next few months, and that I don't have an excuse to be lazy creatively.



So that was it really. I don't expect many people even realised my disappearance but that's understandable, as Conor Oberst once sang

'You mean nothing to no-one but that's nobody's fault'.

I'll try and update on a more regular basis this term... and probably attempt to do something that is less self-focused, unless you like that, in which case I will happily carry on and with gusto.

Until then, I bid thee goodbye.