Happiness is a word I have used before, but i'm being genuine when I say things seem to be going well at the moment. I've felt happy before but not in recent history, not like I am now.
I have no idea why, but it feels wrong in a way to be enjoying life, it doesn't feel natural to me, it doesn't come naturally. I'm used to feeling down, and although I have had my moments of fear and hatred, sadness and lonliness in my time at Uni so far, it's all going well. Is it wrong to state that I wonder how long this can last?
This leads me to think sometimes that sadness is a state of mind. You make yourself fear something and that fear will drive you mad, you believe in sadness and you create your own. I've been guilty, many times, but is this happiness just me creating happiness or genuine? I have no idea. I'm a wreck really I could suppose.
In times where good things are needed, you often create your own, but I have good things. I'm in a situation where I'm not worrying about money for the first time in my life, where there are people and friendships that i'm not questioning. There are elements I miss, regrets on how I have taken to people so far, the way I have reacted to events and situations... all of these have been and gone, done. I cannot dwell on them because to move onwards I must forget, and hope to be forgiven.
I apologise for making little sense, if sense is anything at all. I have had little sleep once again and with little sleep comes too much time to think, and thinking leads to questioning and questioning to doubt. Doubt is the killer queen in all this, in everything. Doubt in myself, the system, people, life. All.
Moving forwards means to look back and learn upon your mistakes, and I'm still trying. Last night I had a conversation where I explained that it felt weird to feel genuinly liked, no strings or wanting to change, and for the first time I realised that all along, maybe it wasn't just myself to blame, but the people who were not willing to accept me as I was.
On with the show.
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