Soundtrack: Stokkseyri - Riceboy Sleeps
Do you know what's hard? Knowing there was a time you were blissfully happy but knowing at the time you didn't see things for what they were.
There are a few things I can look back on and see in this way, one more than any. When you are going through a hard time, even the good things can sometimes be bad, or you just don't make the most of them. Looking back, I do wonder, if I had seen and known that at the time it was something so worthwhile, I might have put more effort into it. I guess I will never know, and I will never know how it might have gone, or been, or finished.
Its not a regret as such, I always say I never have regrets, just things I might change and do different if I could go back and change them, and in this example I would certainly change things if I could go back now.
Sometimes, when you least expect it, something from the past comes back, and you have to confront your feelings on it, if not to gain some new prospective, to gain an ending, to finish what was never really finished at the time.
Its hard, and tonight I had that. I got my past. It was subtle but unexpected. I don't expect its the same for others though. No doubt they have no idea how much it has an impact. Where others moved on, I stayed. Sadly. I guess partly out of choice, but also because no other option was shown or proved to exist.
Is this how its always going to be? I do wonder. When I moved to University I almost expected a new start, a new person to come out of the shell I have been in the past, and I did believe it with all my heart. I would be lying if I said I had thrown myself fully into acheiving this, but really I do wonder if change is something that cannot be planned or orchestrated, but rather happens naturally and over time, without consent or warning. I did not expect to be here tonight, thinking about something which should have finished a long time ago, but alas it happens, and such is lifes unpredictability.
Do you know when you want something more than anything, but try as you might, or even think, it never seems to be right or be there? Thats happiness for me. I thought I was, but maybe not. I guess I figured if I try, I will... but I did and I'm not. Fuck.
I didn't need this tonight, not when all night I have felt heavy inside. Weighed down by everything. Tonight was hard enough, and its harder now. I guess the only Logical conclusion tO a night such as tonight is to sleep, and dream, and wake and think, and hope that these feelings Vanish with a new day, a sunrise, a new bEginning.
Its funny how this blog was always going to be another one of my typical self analytical places to write and communicate even though I wanted more than anything for it not to be, because when I choose the title for it, I knew the path in my heart but not in mind. It was so obvious, but I never saw it. I guess what I'm trying to say is...
I speak aloud and travel inside myself searching.
Do you know what's hard? Knowing there was a time you were blissfully happy but knowing at the time you didn't see things for what they were.
There are a few things I can look back on and see in this way, one more than any. When you are going through a hard time, even the good things can sometimes be bad, or you just don't make the most of them. Looking back, I do wonder, if I had seen and known that at the time it was something so worthwhile, I might have put more effort into it. I guess I will never know, and I will never know how it might have gone, or been, or finished.
Its not a regret as such, I always say I never have regrets, just things I might change and do different if I could go back and change them, and in this example I would certainly change things if I could go back now.
Sometimes, when you least expect it, something from the past comes back, and you have to confront your feelings on it, if not to gain some new prospective, to gain an ending, to finish what was never really finished at the time.
Its hard, and tonight I had that. I got my past. It was subtle but unexpected. I don't expect its the same for others though. No doubt they have no idea how much it has an impact. Where others moved on, I stayed. Sadly. I guess partly out of choice, but also because no other option was shown or proved to exist.
Is this how its always going to be? I do wonder. When I moved to University I almost expected a new start, a new person to come out of the shell I have been in the past, and I did believe it with all my heart. I would be lying if I said I had thrown myself fully into acheiving this, but really I do wonder if change is something that cannot be planned or orchestrated, but rather happens naturally and over time, without consent or warning. I did not expect to be here tonight, thinking about something which should have finished a long time ago, but alas it happens, and such is lifes unpredictability.
Do you know when you want something more than anything, but try as you might, or even think, it never seems to be right or be there? Thats happiness for me. I thought I was, but maybe not. I guess I figured if I try, I will... but I did and I'm not. Fuck.
I didn't need this tonight, not when all night I have felt heavy inside. Weighed down by everything. Tonight was hard enough, and its harder now. I guess the only Logical conclusion tO a night such as tonight is to sleep, and dream, and wake and think, and hope that these feelings Vanish with a new day, a sunrise, a new bEginning.
Its funny how this blog was always going to be another one of my typical self analytical places to write and communicate even though I wanted more than anything for it not to be, because when I choose the title for it, I knew the path in my heart but not in mind. It was so obvious, but I never saw it. I guess what I'm trying to say is...
I speak aloud and travel inside myself searching.
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