You have to lose something to gain something

Damn, I keep forgetting to update this thing, and in general most of the things I plan on doing I never get around to doing anyway as new things come that I plan on doing or need to actually do.

Since my last update, things are generally not too bad at all, in fact, they might be rather good.

Creative juices are in full flow, and aside from the minor (once or twice major) hiccup within my mental state, I've been one of those bouncy type people who walk around as if the world has never witnessed pain and wars were never invented or happened.


I love my new house, I seem to have solid friendships almost, I'm enjoying my education more as this year there have been some changes to how the course works... I have little to complain about.

On the one hand, this has all been good, but on the other it hasn't prevented a number of attacks I have made on myself, or old habits have not died, which begs the question... will they ever?

If things are good and I can still create reasons for the bad, or if things are sunny and I can make clouds and react to the rain, then where does this whole thing stop? Will I ever be able to just live and be totally happy and not have to resort to my safe little bubble and control techniques?

It's a strange one, and something I don't understand just yet. I've been looking into getting help for some issues I have, or asking people who have been through similar things what they did, but I can't pluck up the courage to just burst through a door and let a complete stranger tell me how to sort my life out... which maybe I should be willing to do, but which is something that scares the hell out of me.

Anyway, I'm currently working on a new film. It's all about a character reacting to an event in her life and hiding inside herself to escape it. It's proving hard to piece together, but if it works I imagine it will be pretty different to anything I have come up with and worked on before, which can only be a good thing, and even if it fails epically I will hopefully learn some lessons along the way.

I bought a new camera by the way, as in video camera, and I rather love it, but i'm now skint and probably can't afford food... but you have to lose something to gain something right?

This has been long and boring and hasn't made much sense. I better be off.

I'm going as a vampire to a Halloween house party tonight and I'm currently dying from the fumes of this hair dye. It's weird that I'm actually going to a house party, I normally avoid social things like the plague, but this year I am attempting to cure some of my fears and get into the habit of doing more things and not being alone all the time.

Anyway, happy Halloween people!

Hugs and puppies,

Moi

x

How can I make you remember me?

It's been a long time since I last blogged, and for that I can only apologise but also mention that back home I have no internet and little means in which to update this place which very few people, if any, have interest in.

It's been a strange few months.

I had to leave university early as my mum went into hospital a number of times and I wanted to be there not only to support the family back home but also to look after her once she came out, which I did, but which I speak little of... for the simple reason that in reality I should, and I have not in the past, and I deserve no thanks or sympathy (not that I would get such a thing) for something that isn't a chore but needs to be done.

She is pretty much better now after all these weeks, but it was a terribly scary time. I guess I was pretty close to losing her, and that isn't something I ever thought I would say... parents always seem like they will be there forever, and though that isn't true and we all know it, being close to her not being with me wasn't the best feeling in the world and made me realise that I take her so much for granted. In a way, it's been a positive and negative experience; negative for obvious reasons but positive because I realise now that I should never, ever take for granted the people who are in my life, and more so the family which I am lucky to have.

For all the times I moan and whine about them, they are the only people who will be with me until I or they are no longer able to be, that's what you are unknowingly signed into when you are in a family... at least I believe, and that's not a bad thing in the slightest.

So anyway, that was a major thing.


Other than that, I turned 20, which is a significant and scary jump from being 19. Do you know when you are young and 20 seems like an age you will never reach and everyone who is 20 is officially old? It dawned on me that those fears I had of getting older back then, and I did have and still do have an immense fear of getting old, those feelings though surfaced, and on the night of my birthday I spent most of it crying and in deep thought.

It sounds petty, I know that, but it scares me. 20 isn't old, at all, but in my mind it just seemed to creep up and take me by surprise, and there isn't anything I can do about it, so I just have to deal with it, and I still haven't... quite yet.

I don't know why either but dropping the 'teen' from the end of my age was this explosion of sheer dread. I am officially getting quite old, or at least old in a young persons way, but I guess young in an adult way, which probably makes little sense.

So yeah, I had another birthday, and I hate birthdays...

Other than that I camped out quite a bit, got drunk a bit more (which I rarely do socially at all so that was a new experience for me), I went to two gay prides (which I enjoyed despite my reservations which I may or may not have expressed at some point or time on this blog or on any number of other websites), I almost got a boyfriend (then decided I didn't like the guy enough so called it off before feelings were invested and people got hurt)...


I also started a few creative projects, but finished none of them.

The plan was to record an album, only instrumental, but an album none-the-less... and I did a few songs and gave up, because I was fed up of technology not doing what I wanted it to do and not having anything good in terms of equipment which would make anything sound anything like I wanted it to or it should have.

I also wanted to write a book, which I got majorly excited about and invested a bit of time in, but then a few chapters in I lost all motivation to continue, but hopefully at some point in the future will find again and finish it.

I wanted to create some really nice artwork but did a few things which are not exactly different to anything I have done in the past and which in honesty isn't anything I am proud of.

So in the end, that all went rather shit.

During the holidays I also had a really bad time and didn't leave the house for a long time. Many factors led up to what could I guess be described as a 'break down'. This lasted probably for a month, and it was probably worse than many 'break downs' I have had in the past where I just can't face the world and everything seems to be against me. I guess I'm over it now.


The best things I did was go to three gigs. I went to see Jonsi (the lead singer of Sigur Ros) who was simply stunning. Not only was the music incredible and heart-breaking in a live setting, but there were amazing projections on a huge screen behind the band that were utterly amazing to view and which really made it unforgettable.

I also saw William Control (the lead singer of Aiden) which was really good. It was such an intimate venue and we were at the front and literally stood just before him, which was great as I have had pictures of him on my wall since I was younger. I got to meet him too which was cool, and I have a photo (which I will probably post at some point).

Most recently I saw Get Cape Wear Cape Fly who were also great. I'd not seen them since they played at Leeds Festival back in 2007 and although this time wasn't as good as that (mainly because in honesty the new material is quite different and I really loved the first album and still do, but like the others) it was still really enjoyable and he played a good mixture of stuff from his discography. I met him too, and he signed all four albums for me which was lovely of him.

Then on the 15th of this month I packed my bags and came back to Uni, moved into a new house, got new flatmates and started my course once more. It's nice to be back in a strange way, just because I have some sort of security in knowing that there will be something to occupy me in the next few months, and that I don't have an excuse to be lazy creatively.



So that was it really. I don't expect many people even realised my disappearance but that's understandable, as Conor Oberst once sang

'You mean nothing to no-one but that's nobody's fault'.

I'll try and update on a more regular basis this term... and probably attempt to do something that is less self-focused, unless you like that, in which case I will happily carry on and with gusto.

Until then, I bid thee goodbye.

Army of Me

Army Of Me
By Daniel Finfer

Back at the beginning, I split myself in two
Because the world was just too big to see with such a narrow view.
From the two that I became I knew exactly what to do,
And with another point of view around the world felt fresh and new.

The two that I became soon turned into three and four
I lived a life of peace, and never dreamed I'd start a war
I headed out across the land to conquer and explore
But thats the day I felt the need to split myself some more

The thousands i became began to build their first machines
I started building tiny boats to navigate the seas
I dreamed up new religions but they all just disagreed
And suddenly my new religions started building armies

My boats turned into battleships to put me in my place
The soldiers of myself all wore disguises on their face
I don't feel that responsible, for how could I have known
The enemies i wiped away were soldiers of my own

The war engulfed the planet as my army swept the land
I had to know which side of me would gain the upper hand
The tiny little soldiers were too small to understand
I made me fight against myself to find out who I am

You see the winner of the war would know the shape of things to come
For they alone decide my shape when all is said and done;
I almost caught a glimpse of me, reflecting in the sun
but suddenly the final soldier cursed what I'd become

I lost control of everything, and i became confused
I waged a war against myself I never thought I'd lose
And right before I killed myself, I wondered if they knew
That all along their Mighty God was just a point of view

Time to Pretend

I think this has been my first week back at Uni after the holidays (not that I really anything that could be considered a holiday) and already I feel a little trapped again.

I know I moan about Uni a hell of a lot, and for all the bad things it could be worse, but I'm not sure at the moment if this is what I want... just, all of it. I don't really know if University is the right thing for me, or if I am right for it, because I like to feel (however opposed it may be in reality) like I am free, and making my own decisions, and I don't get that with all this.

This is all I talk about on here, generally because I am trying to make sense of it myself, and because University is my life, and has been, since September. I should probably make more effort to do more things outside of Uni in a social aspect, but I don't really see anything of much worth doing in this 'city' that I am in, and I'm educating myself on the internet by collaborating in an artistic way with people who feel similar to me (sort of) about art.

I just don't know... I say this all the time, I know I do, and yet I make no steps in solving any of it or making any steps towards being active and making decisions.

I won't lie, I have thought, quite a bit, about quitting.

I don't know what's stopping me... me proving to myself I can do all this? Not letting my family down or being a disappointment like they always thought I would be? Not wanting to end friendships or dissapoint the people I have met up here who I have made plans with for the coming years?

It's a lot to think about. I don't want to be another drop out... someone who couldn't handle authority or handle being independent, but on the other hand it's not about that, it's about the way I feel about the things I am doing... yet others will see it like the first of those.

It's just... like I'm living my life in a groundhog day scene, where repetition is relentless and it's the same thing day in and day out, and yeah, I work on different projects and there is always something different in that sense, but it's the same thing still, and then I have all of these doubts all the time, every day, on and on.

Fuck... it's just a lot to cope with. And still, for all of this, I can never talk face to face with people about any of this, not in this detail or depth, because I just block out full on interaction on an emotional level with humans... It just happens, and I can try and brake that barrier but it never fully comes out as I have rehearsed in my head a thousand times over.

This must be such a boring fucking topic for anyone who bothers reading this now... it's all i go on about, all the time, blog after blog. I wish I was sorry but I'm not... I've said all along this is all for my selfish ways and to just clear my head, so I guess I can't be sorry for something intentional, but I wish I wasn't feeling this way.

Imagine this though... I quit University, and then what? I live back with my family and mum, I don't have the internet because we can't afford it, I don't get a job because I'm too adamant that I will never work a 9 to 5 or something that isn't keeping me creative... and that will be that.

How can people, adults, make these decisions that are really life changing all the time? I wish I knew, or could see into the future and be safe in the knowledge that everything will work out fine or... well... yeah... the other option I won't discuss.

But I don't understand how people do this. In fact, I don't understand why as humans we just put up with it. It's just this whole system we are all trapped in, and I want out, because I don't enjoy any of this really.

Anyway... yeah.

Go do...

I think I've realised something while I have been at University, which is actually a step in the right direction for me and my future.

I say this all the time, but I have always wanted to be a film-maker. The strange thing is, up until recently I've always sort of wanted to do feature films, or short films, but within the last few weeks while I have been thinking in depth about what I want from all this and to do ideally for the rest of my life... I came to a realisation.

I think something I really want to be is an artist, that is, a visual artist. I know film-makers can be visual artists in some contexts, but every time I have done projects within college or university that has no boundaries or story as such to tell, I have always enjoyed it much more than sticking to something with conventions and rules, or a narrative.

I don't even know if any of this makes sense.

It's like... I really just enjoy picking up a camera and filming anything, in whatever way I want, without restriction, and then seeing what I can do with all that footage... rather than planning something and spending forever sorting things out. It almost takes the fun out of making things for me, because I really get turned off by having to do something a certain way, or not being able to be free... it's like a mental prison.

This isn't to say working of short films or things of this nature are not fun in some way, or cannot be rewarding, but the whole process just seems to lack the magic of just doing something and not having it all planned... capturing the world through spontaneous and random moments that take your fancy then seeing what you get with it.

Obviously, this has limited options. Who would watch a DVD of just short/long experimentation and random things put together? Not many people I suspect, but it has a place in galleries and the like, where people go to be see things in a new way, rather than be told a story (most of the time).

For me, there is something special in physically seeing something that isn't just on a screen... something 3d, or in an environment that is specially created for one specific thing, something which transforms from project to project, a personal space. I love art galleries, and i've been to some amazing visual exhibitions which just really transport you into a different place which you are in a room.

I don't know... But I think this is where I kind of, belong. Just being creative and artistic, without too many boundaries or set ways of doing things, and just capturing without plans, getting things as they are.

It's something to think about.

Life is like a box of chocolates...

“Life is like a box of chocolates. A cheap, thoughtless, perfunctory gift that no-one ever asks for. Unreturnable, because all you get back is another box of chocolates. So you’re stuck with this undefinable whipped mint crap that you mindlessly wolf down when there’s nothing else left to eat. Sure, once in awhile there’s a peanut butter cup or an English toffee, but they’re gone too fast and the taste is fleeting. So you end up with nothing but broken bits filled with hardened jelly and teeth-shattering nuts. If you’re desperate enough to eat those, all you’ve got left is an empty box filled with useless brown paper wrappers.”

The Cancer Man - The X-Files

A moral dilemma

If you were didn't agree with guns you wouldn't want to work in a gun shop would you?

If you didn't agree with animal testing, you would work in a lab that tests on animals would you?

The above statements are just a few examples on decisions we as humans face when we have morals we like to keep up. Now, everyone has different morals... some people think animals are inferior to humans, and so testing on animals is perfectly fine, thus the second of those issues wouldn't bother them greatly, and in the same way, some people, cultures even, think guns are perfectly fine.

I understand both of these viewpoints, and could probably in some way understand any other viewpoint on those subjects, though it doesn't mean I agree myself.

In the same way, I keep coming up with a dilemma that I can't explain to people but which I doesn't morally fit within what I find comfortable.

If a film industry is more focused on profit and shareholders than actually giving film-makers a chance to shine, why would you work in the film industry?

Okay... I've heard every possible answer to this, looked at it from many angles, and to me, morally, I couldn't. I don't know if people just think they can't get by without huge corporations putting money into projects, and I don't know if people just feel they are losing a battle that can never be won, but to me, morally and in my heart, I can't do it, and don't want to.

The thing for me is, at the moment, many films are made because they have a pre-built audience, someone to sell it at and market it towards, something they know can make them money back, and so we see the same old stuff pumped out all the time, sometimes and often, from the same people, with the same people in them...

There are exceptions to this, I will admit, but for the majority of films, money making profit is one of, if not the most important aspects of the business... because that's what it is, a business. The people who run these companies often don't have a passion for films like we do, they have a passion for figures, and if something will give them figures, they will be happy to give the all clear.

Now, imagine for a moment that every film anyone wanted to make was made... there would be some shite, I know, but imagine also all the amazing films we could have seen already had they been given a chance. There are people in this world, people I know even, who have so much talent, but very little way to output it and who never get the chance to show people. Trust me when I tell you I know people who could easily make a film that is out of this world and that people will want to see, but without that chance, without a clearly defined market, it never gets seen/made.

When money becomes involved, it puts me off, because then there is something called compromise... Now, I understand compromise is important in every day life, and important in this industry, but often the intentions behind that compromise is to maximize viewers, and in return, maximize profit.

There is so much I could go into, so many problems and so many things I don't agree with within this industry, but for now I'll leave it at that... all I can say is, I have always wanted to make films, for pretty much my whole life, and I always will, but I don't want art, my art, to be governed by a business that is simply out to make money, and that will actively try to change that art to make more money... and I don't want to play a game where I would feel I would always be losing.

That is something people don't understand... I always get told that I need to play the game, the game of the business, but I don't, and won't. In the end, if I can look back at my life and say I tried my best and did what I believe to be right, that will be the best thing I could ever hope for... If I looked back and saw that I had to bow to industries only interested in money, or that I couldn't create art in a way I wanted, how would I feel? Cheated. I would have cheated myself and been cheated.

We all have different reasons for doing what we do... and for me, it's all about the art, the passion, the way that art is made, the reasons behind making it. If I were to make art in a corrupt system, that art wouldn't be as pure as I would want it to be, and I wouldn't be making something in a way, and for the reasons, that I felt would be right.

Where does this leave me though? I do wonder about that... but one thing I know is that no matter where this road takes me, or this dream I have, I'll always, ALWAYS, in some way, live my life through creativity, imagination and passion, and I will always try and do that in the best way possible to stand with my morals and ideals.

Again, going back to the top of this blog, we all have different morals... this is just one of mine, and I will fight it tooth and claw.

x

Trust me when I tell you...

Last night I had a tough time sleeping... After trying endlessly to sleep, my mind somehow drifted into that state where you think about the past. I know people say you need to forget the past and look forward to the future, but the past is the thing which shapes up into what we are now, which in turn shapes the way the future will pan out... so...

I got to thinking about trust, or the way I often find it hard to trust people fully, which in turn led me to think about the past and events in which my trust for someone was broken.

As a child I had a best friend. I can safely say I trusted this person 100%. We were like brothers, and we did almost everything together for pretty much the whole of our childhoods.

We went through primary school together, started secondary school together... it was one of those friendships you just never imagined ending. Then things started to change.

My friend started becoming friends with people I didn't really like, but who I gave a chance. Basically, the people who I had nothing in common with. Where as they were interested in drinking late at night on street corners, smoking whatever they could find and being 'interested' in girls, I was more interested in trying to do well at school, art, film... things I really loved and still love today.

This isn't to say those people cannot like the things I like, or even change, but generally, I wasn't 'feeling' this new crowd of people.

However, being best friends with this person, and wanting this friendship to last, I went along with it. I was pretty much becoming a person I really dislike, one of the people who I had nothing in common with. I guess I was experimenting with myself, dipping my toe in the metaphorical sea of a new perspective.

I spent night after night on street corners... spent a few nights running from police... experimented with substances that I have not been near since...

I did this all in the name of friendship. but at the time, I didn't realise friendship doesn't consist of simply following a crowd. I was young, naive, stupid in the most simplest of terms.

But anyway, back to the point... trust.

So, we were still really good friends. The strange thing is, I saw two sides to my friend. There was the person he was when he was with these new people, and the person he was when he was alone with me. With them, he would be the 'tough' guy, with me... that vanished.

A year or so went by of this whole thing, and with each day I was getting more and more uncomfortable with his actions, my actions, and the actions of the people around me. It got to the point where I was witnessing people like me being bullied... and I wouldn't, out of choice, do anything about it, but knowing full well what it felt like and that I should.

By this time, a new person has come on the scene. A new best friend, but not for me, for my best friend... he was part related to him, so they shared this 'bond' that I couldn't compete with. The normal routine started happening where slowly but surely, the best friend I knew and trusted would let me down. We would plan to do something, the other guy would show up and suddenly our plans were dropped like a lead balloon.

I put up with this, holding on as much as possible to the friendship we once had.

Then one day, the three of us went for a walk.

Now, I disliked this guy who had barged his way into the middle of our friendship... not because of that, but because of the way he was. He was basically the kid you see who things he is better than everyone, and who has an ego the size of a small planet, and that's not something I find attractive in a friend.

Anyway, so we went for a walk.

To cut a long story short, that day, during that walk, I was beaten up. Literally to the point where I was on the floor having my face kicked in, for no reason I could even begin to think of. If you know me, you will know I'm not a violent person, and this extends to defending myself. I'm not strong, I have very little power over anyone in terms of this sort of thing, so I was just on the floor, crying for him to stop, while all the time, blow after blow, I was being kicked.

The hard part of all this, was that my childhood friend, the guy I trusted 100%... when I looked up, was just stood there. He wasn't the one kicking me, sure... but he was stood there, watching me, not helping, not telling the guy kicking me to stop.

I don't know what hurt more... the fact that I was literally being beaten to the point of blood pouring from my nose, or the fact that my best friend of over ten years was stood watching it happen and choosing to do nothing.

And that was that... trust broken. 100% broken.

From that point on, I did what I always do when trust is broken and stopped talking to him, tried to avoid him, pretty much kept myself to myself and moved on. It's the way I deal with friendships and relationships breaking down, I prefer to just cut off any contact, because if I have contact that last image and the reason for that friendship ending comes back to mind and it hurts me again.

I guess though, this was when I realised that people sometimes change, and not always for the better, and also... from this... I grew stronger. I realised that rather than try to salvage something which is only making things hard, if you realise that it is going bad, end it before it gets worse. It might pessimistic, and I know not everyone is like him, but that seems to be the best option for me.

So, me and this friend literally didn't speak for years... and now we lead different lives. He has a girlfriend who has a baby and he has become the father figure, he seems genuinely happy and honestly, I think he could be a great father figure... protective, loving... everything you need.

And I'm... well, look back through this blog and you will see.

But to the matter at hand, now, I have a hard time dealing with trust. I used to dish out 100% trust to anyone who came into my life, and now I don't. The worst thing is, even if people give me 100% trust, and no reason to think that they will ever do anything bad, I still have that little memory in the back of my mind that triggers this warning, that tells me never to trust anyone fully, which in turn just makes things more difficult.

It's kind of like this black cloud hanging over me all the time, and I just expect it to start raining at any moment... I expect anyone I am with, at any moment, to just break that trust.

Of course, there were other moments in my life that also added to this trust issue, I mean, my own father left me just after my first birthday, so it's not as if I was new to whole 'let down' side of people...

Sorry for the long and rambling blog. I guess a sleepless night and too much time to think just really made me look at things again. I don't expect anyone will have read this, and in honesty, I'm not sure anyone bothers to read these things at all anymore... I don't blame you, they are long and boring and always about myself, in fact, I always hark on about myself all the time, on every site, every blog, in every conversation... I suppose I'm just a bit selfish.

Anyway...

A decision of the death kind...

when I die, I don’t want a funeral, or to be buried. Y’see, once I’m dead, that’s it. My body is useless, and the idea of my family or whoever might care when death comes a knockin’ paying tons of money to stand and stare at my lifeless body in a wooden box just isn’t my idea of money well spent, not to mention, what’s the point?

I’d rather be remembered for what I have been. All the funerals I have been to, that memory of them, seeing the dead bodies of the people I love… I have no comfort in that, and that is the memory that lasts because it was the last time I saw them.

I remember my great Aunty who I loved to bits, and the last time I saw her was in a coffin. I touched her hand, and she was just... cold. and although she looked beautiful in a still kind of way, that's still the lasting memory that will stick with me forever. That and being stood at her grave while the coffin was being lowered, tears streaming down my face.

That's not a celebration of life, in any form, it's just a party for the dead, and not one that can even be enjoyed.

No… I don’t want that. Just stick me in a cardboard box and burn me in a forest, then sprinkle my ashes in the sea. And with the money you save, get pissed and remember me for all the good times. And go watch whatever small films I have made, look at the drawings I have made, read the stories I have told... That is what I want to be my final communiation, my lasting memory, the things I created while I was alive.

That’s if anyone cares by the time the reaper comes and takes me away.

Either way, I hate funerals and I don't understand why anyone would willingly want a lasting memory to be everyone sat looking at them in a wooden casket. I'm sorry, but it makes no sense.

don't bother reading, usual shit.

You don't even have to read this.

It's just the same shit as normal, just a different date.

I just realised, I've not been out the house since last Friday, as in, actually stepping out the front door. Few reasons... one being that I'm still ill, two being that I'm scared and three being that I just generally feel shit altogether.

In terms of number one, I keep getting intense pains in my stomach, head aches, dizziness, the list goes on... I feel like a second hand toy with parts missing, not fully able to operate in any sense. I don't have a doctor, and I don't care to see one... After years of being like this on and off, all I ever get is 'Take these shitty little tablets and life will be better' but it never is, and it never helps in the long run... ever. I swear, it's at the point where I just break into tears because of the pain a number of times during the day, and then I can't sleep during the night. I'm wearing down, fast.

In terms of number two, I'm scared for a number of reasons. First and foremost, what happened last Friday really scared me, and I am seriously worried it might happen again. It's not an irrational fear, because it's based on something I never want to experience again... Reason two is that I genuinely feel scared at the moment of everything, and in here, this room, the only thing that can harm me is myself. If you have never felt this way, I'm sure it will be hard to understand, but the best way I can describe it is like this:

It kind of feels like I'm in a prison where the door is always open, but I can't leave.

So, I've missed a full week at Uni... hardly done anything at all productive for Uni, pretty much fucked everyone over and everything up... and yet, for all of that, I really can't seem to care. It's not that I don't care, I do, a hell of a lot, but when I'm in this mindset I just feel numb, and everything around me suffers, which only makes it worse. Get the picture?

I'm really at the point where I question what the point is with everything. If I'm just going to be a fuck up all the time, or for periods like this, and that's going to happen again and again, then I'll constantly just be this fucking burden on everyone around me, and myself.

Speaking of which, I just feel alone, all the time now. I must say this all the time but... There isn't a constant in my life, nothing is sure and certain and there isn't that constant person to rely on. I know I should learn to live without the help or need of others, but it's difficult. Just someone to have a proper face to face conversation with about anything, someone who understands you, someone you can always rely on and trust with your heart and soul...

I can't even face talking to my family anymore because I just want to cry hearing them on the phone, or seeing the pictures of them on Facebook... anything, any reminder. I can't seem to think about them, because I realise I've neglected them. I just feel like a stranger to them.

I mean, honestly, I feel like this so often... it's very rare I ever feel happy, and then it's just like a blip in the system. It's just all these moments of feeling lost and out of control with temporary moments of happiness just thrown in for good measure.

And it's all a cycle...

I get ill, it takes forever to get better because I've worn my immune system and body down so much, so I feel down, or I'm ill because I'm down, then I miss uni, and then I get behind and don't do what I should, which then makes me stressed or fucks things up for other people, which makes me feel guilty, which makes me feel shit, which makes me ill again...

Add to that tons of other things and it really does drag. I've tried everything, pretty much everything, to solve this crap I've been putting up with for the last 8 years or so, and it never gets easier, ever. I guess I should be a pro by now.

Thing is, nobody even cares enough to ask if I'm fine, and again, I shouldn't need people to ask, but it's just a case of someone noticing. I've been asked once in a week by someone I know if I am okay, and that was only an opening for the infamous 'Can you do me a favour'. I'm going to stop bothering the next time I think someone isn't feeling too good, or when they need an open ear, because when I need it most nobody so much as sends a simple message to see whats happening.

I mean, it's literally at the point where I can't for the life of me just put that brave face on and pretend it's all okay, and I don't want/need people to see me like this, ever.

I'm just a wreck.

And yeah, I talk about myself on here all the time, and I know there are people worse off than me. People dying of cancer, in earthquakes, in wars, famines, poverty, people living with domestic violence, abuse, people being killed as we speak, people with drug addictions, no house, no family at all...

I'm lucky, I am. But it doesn't stop the way I feel. I don't even know why I bother writing all this in blogs, because it never helps, and I keep deleting this blog and bringing it back to life, but nobody probably notices anyway, or bothers to read, and I don't mind, I don't blame you all... anyone.

Fuck it.

Maybe memories...

I'm feeling quite tired and over-emotional at the moment... a big mixture of things big and small are creeping together slowly and it can be overwhelming.

The last few weeks I have been ill on an almost daily basis. Started with stomach cramps, then slowly my back came into the equation and has been constantly aching. Add to that a flu with a terrible cough, headaches which come and go about three times daily and cause immense amounts of pain to the point of feeling sick and crying my eyes out...

Then on top of that I just feel drained, physically and emotionally. Mentally I'm battling a few demons which have struck me once again.

I try not to show all this... the pain I'm in. I still go to Uni every day, act like I always do and put as much energy as possible into projects and work, and then at the end of the day when I get home I just burn out. It's becoming impossible to cope with.

I had a two hour conversation with my sister in law tonight on the phone, and I miss my family so much. A month ago I became an uncle, and I still have not seen my new niece. My grandma isn't feeling too well. My mums uncle, my grandmas brother died, and this will be the second funeral I have missed while I have been back at Uni.

In terms of the funerals, although they are not family members I know all that well, it's a time when you feel the need to be with the rest of the people who are suffering, the ones who I am close to and grew up with, and I feel like I can't be... which tears me up.

Worse than this is the fact that I feel like my feelings are not intense towards this all... Like, I am living in my own little bubble and world and I forget that my family is coping with all this joy and pain back home, and I'm not feeling that. When my niece was born, I felt happy, obviously, but I have never had contact with her and I don't know how she is... I don't have feelings for her which an uncle should, which I feel i should because I am absent from her life.

I miss my mum. I know she goes through things and doesn't tell people, because when I went home at Christmas I saw it for myself, and although people know she finds it hard, they often don't know how to treat the way she is, or rather how to get her to understand herself, which I do. I feel guilty almost for leaving her, and yet I have to live my own life.

When I was at college, and I was seeing someone about some issues I had, I was told that I needed to stop the guilt and remember that I have my own life, and yet here I am, a year on, feeling the same feelings I did then, just with more passion. It's difficult.

The thing is, my mum is the only parent I have, and although she is capable of everything herself, I feel somewhat inclined to be able to look after her the way she has me. She brought me up alone, which takes effort and dedication that I find hard to be rivalled.

She is now living alone, for the first time in her life, and she is struggling... I saw that at Christmas.

I guess I'm living my own life though, and there is reason... I want to be able to not only follow my dream, but be able to provide my mum with a constant stability that she needs, because all her life she has struggled. She deserves more.

So... where does this lead me now?

Well, I have to keep going. It's difficult, and will no doubt get worse before it has any chance of getting better, but I have to remember why I am doing this, both on a personal level and in terms of what I want to be able to provide for my family. I need to sign up to a doctor if I have any chance of getting rid or even knowing about this illness which is taking too much effort to get rid of. And last of all, I need to keep battling and working to achieve what I came here to achieve, because although it's three years of my life which will be difficult, I hope it might be the stepping stones to reach my goals and dreams.

So although I feel pessimistic at the moment and things are getting on top of me, I also see a faint light in the distance... which makes a change.

x

Saddest story never told

Saddest story never told

I’m really missing my childhood today, or rather, I miss the feeling of being a child. I miss it often, but when I think about it more it’s sad that I can only ever get furthur away from it, and never closer.

Each day I will grow older, each year new things will happen and my innocence will be lost even more, until I am simply another generic adult who forgets the wonderful magic that only comes with being young.

This is a picture I drew a while back... and for some reason it seemed like a good picture to upload with this post.

I will always carry on my imagination, no matter what… into every single day and second of my life, but it’s changing more and more, and I wonder if it will transform into something so far away from it is and has been, and turn into something I dislike.

I don’t know, it’s like the older I get the more and more desperate I am to hold onto my inner child, that little bit of life from my younger self. It’s like I am staring in the mirror and seeing myself at 9 years old, but slowly the image is fading and all that remains is a ghost, a shadow.

It scares me. Being an adult scares me. I can’t quite describe the feeling, but it’s like a black cloud hanging over me. When I think about it, although there have been some wonderful adults I know/have known, most have simply tried to squash me and mould me into something I am not. They don’t understand me, rarely anyway… and I don’t want to ever become like this.

If you don’t feel the same way, or have never felt this way, you probably won’t understand, or even begin to imagine how this feels. Most people embrace adulthood with open arms… I am having an harder time adapting.

x JH x

The beat that my heart skipped...

It is now officially the 14th of February, also known as Valentines Day.

This is a time when couples truly show their love for each other by buying chocolate, flowers, possibly going for a romantic meal or to the cinema, followed by hot and steamy passionate sex… or so us single people are led to believe by the adverts, movies and pretty much the general population who is lucky enough to have a partner.

As normal, I don’t have a soul to share my heart with, but in fairness it’s been this way for months and so one more day isn’t any more tragic to in my heart. This day will pass, and it will be the same after.

In fairness, I don’t put enough effort into meeting someone who can be anything more than a friend, and I even suck at that quite a bit, so it’s probably my own fault. I don’t quite know what I expect… a romantic meeting and instant love that will battle the forces of darkness like the Disney movies have me believe or possibly something more classical like Romeo and Juliet (without the Juliet of course) where our love is so strong we are willing to die for it.

In reality, none look likely, and not any time in the near future either. I am a single pringle in a cardboard tube, and it looks like the lid is staying on a while longer.

No hard feelings though… literally.



I’m only 19, I have a life ahead of me (unless I die in my sleep tonight of a broken heart). No, but really… I guess I’m past caring and this feeling sorry myself is simply a fart in the wind… it will pass pretty quickly.

On the bright side, I get to save money and can say I didn’t fall for the barrage of marketing which this day throws at people for weeks on end… not through choice I admit, but still, Tesco won’t be getting no extra cash from me!

I shall now retire to my bed, where I will use it for it’s sole purpose… sleep. I know there are probably millions of horny people getting their rocks off right now, probably many a baby will be conceived (most of which probably will be killed off pretty soon when the beer goggles and passion wear off) but I can honestly, hand on heart, tell you I am so tired right now that even if I had the chance for a bit of a paddle on the saddle, the batteries would probably need changing/charging first.

Speaking of which… Infact… no…

Night all. Have a good day either side of the spectrum.

x JH

Un-Oblivion? Anti-Oblivion? Fuck it...

Before I go any furthur... Thank you for those who commented on my last blog. I only just saw them and have this moderation thing on which means I have to check them before they go up, so thank you and sorry for the delay in getting them up! I'll keep checking in future.

On Monday I began shooting a music video for 'Oblivion' by Patrick Wolf. This isn't an official thing (which I may have stated previous somewhere on the internet) but a project, though I got permission to use it.

It's been loads of fun! I've had my directors head on and hopefully have not pissed people off too much, though everyone seems to be enjoying it. So, the Monday was day one of a two day shoot. In a last moment state of panic about a location on the day, me and the cameraman went in search of a new place. Basically, we wanted a forest, but the one we had initially planned to used wasn't really... foresty... so after an hour or so looking, we found a nice little dense population of trees.

Thus began the running.

The basic idea I came up with concept wise is the guy trying to run from his demons, his depression, as well as having an under-lying concept of a spiritual battle and a questioning of beliefs. The guy starts off fearless, loses the will and turns his gun on himself, but is saved by a voice of hope, a guardian angel, who spurs him on to carry on after coming so far.

The shoot involved lots of running, crawling through mud and lots of screaming... on the actors part. I was of course, stood in 2 jackets and a coat, while he was freezing his bollocks off in a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. It's a tough life.

So day one went well despite changing light and weather conditions, but everything that was on my shot list had a tick next to it.

Day two and it's all interior scenes. No mud. No cold. No wind. Constant coffee. Indeed.

Didn't last long at all, but what we got was pretty good.

Yesterday me and the editor started editing, and it seems we have too much footage, and none of it is really bad. I'm quite surprised how well this shoot has been because although I knew what was needed, I did worry that it wouldn't be anywhere close to what I imagined and wanted it to be, and it's turning out to be quite close (aside from a few things that we probably wouldn't be able to do without a big budget, but I can dream).

So yeah. Day two begins today... and I have a feeling a full rough cut will be done, leaving Friday to clean up the shots, color correct everything and add some effects and stuff.

Phew. That was longer than expected.

Now to go get more coffee and begin making myself look somewhat more beautiful than the ugly mess I am now, which is a hard task and rarely pays off, but its the thought that counts.

Avenue Elliot Nazi Girl Things... or the collective tale of my days internet adventure.

I've been absent from Uni a few days due to feeling quite a lot under the weather. Part illness, part run down, part just feeling a little down-hearted. This morning I found myself browsing the Internet looking for some good things to watch to occupy myself between work and general rest...

The weird thing with the internet is that it's like a chain reaction. You search for something of interest, find something in some way related to that something of interest and thus a chain reaction begins until you force yourself to break it. This is the case with me anyway.

I started off looking on YouTube at some musicals. A random and camp thing I know, but what can cheer the soul more than a musical number with a bit of dancing and general OTT-ness which musicals so greatly perfect?

After a while I had watched songs from many films which fall under the 'musical' genre. I then moved on to stage musicals (mainly Avenue Q and Billy Elliot). While watching the Avenue Q ditty about racism (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BbQiSVeQwVQ&feature=related) cleverly titled 'Everyone's a little bit racist', I suddenly remembered a documentary I saw on Channel 4 a while back about the BNP. This was of course triggered by the word 'racist'... see the chain reaction there?

I found the documentary I was looking for, cleverly titled 'Young, Nazi and Proud', which you can, if you so wish, view here http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-7842826632184074561#. I find it really interesting, it's certainly worth a watch.

I then went on to watch a documentary on the BBC iPlayer about the transition from board games to computer games. There is no link as such from the last doc to this one, apart from the fact I then felt I wanted to watch some docs and so hunted on the BBC for some. The doc dragged a bit and I turned it off after around 20 Min's and went onto 4OD instead, where I found two pretty decent documentaries about family.

The first was the cleverly titled '8 boys and wanting a girl' which was pretty much what was said on the tin. It followed a few families and parents who had only had boys and who were desperate for a girl. It showed some of the things they do to try and get a girl, from herbal supplements to modern scientific techniques, but most of all it really showed a desperation in some people for an ideology that they have dreamed of for so long. It was quite heart-breaking in places, emotional. I cried.

Before I go any further, let me explain that I cry at everything. I would probably cry if Tigger got lost in the woods, y'know?

Anyway... One family out of the three that were followed ended up with a girl. One of them got pregnant again with boy number 5, and the other ended up not pregnant at all.

The last one I watched was called 'Wild Things' which was about a group of 1970's idealistic adults who all chose to raise their children in a collective environment, without any set parents or even a set name. These children were born in a household where they would have a number of parents, brothers and sisters and family, who were not exactly related. The documentary caught up with them to see if this ideology had stuck and carried on.

It became clear many just went on to lead normal lives, but none resented the upbringing they had. I found it really interesting because I have at times wondered what it would be like, and personally I imagine it to be a pretty amazing environment I would maybe, one day, like to test and see if it works with me. Although hard to explain, I feel cohabitation and a collective environment would possibly be quite an amazing experience, and one which I could easily imagine myself to be a part of...

But anyway. It was interesting.

Other than that I watched an episode of Yo Gabba Gabba and looked at some cover versions of Joni Mitchell songs on YouTube, one of my favourites of which is this one by Diana Krall http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BGrsc5FeQDs. I also did the usual checking of Facebook, answering emails, looking at Twitter, general browsing and then topping it all off with this blog to tell you exactly what I did in a long and boring fashion for no reason other than wanting to share my days worth of internet adventure with you.

I expect nobody has read this, or that if someone did they got past the first paragraph or first few sentences then gave up... but either way, it's been an interesting day and I will now go and watch a documentary called 'Ashes to Diamonds' which explores what people do with their loved ones after they die. I imagine it will simply be an emotional doc which focuses on people not wanting to part with someone who means a lot to them and the amazing and wacky ways that people will attempt to overcome this, probably ending on the ashes of the dead being turned into a diamond ring as the title suggests.

I shall enjoy it.

A blog about not having nothing to blog about

This is basically a blog about having nothing of worth to blog about (which is not to say my normal blogs are blog-worthy but I normally have something to say).

So far this year I have written 5 blogs. 5. That's not a lot considering from September to December of last year I wrote a total of 41 blogs, though in fairness in the November and December of last year I wrote only 5 blogs in each of those months.

The strange thing is, although I have lots to say, I have not felt the need to say it on here. I feel in a way I am editing myself and not spelling out exactly how I feel, which is a sad state of affairs if I am honest as this is one of the places I like to be honest with myself and with whoever choses to read.

The last few nights while I have been ill I have on many occasions come to this blog to post, seen the empty box before me and closed it shortly after staring at the screen and searching my mind. I have hit a brick wall, a non-writers writers block.

And so, I will leave you with this wonderful video which is a live performance from one of my favourite artists singing one of my all time favourite songs. This will sum up in lyrics and music how I feel, without me having to go to the hassle of explaining...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tKQSlH-LLTQ

Click the link above for the wonderful Joni Mitchell singing Both Sides Now. For those who love a certain film about love (actually) you may recognise the song even if you have never heard of her before.

Until next time, which will hopefully be a time when I have something to actually say rather than write about having nothing to write and making a rather long post about such a thing... Au Revoir.

x

Haiti

I often forget that there are many people in much worse off situations than myself. The unimaginable disaster in Haiti, a place I never even knew existed, has confirmed and reminded me that my worries are little in comparison to what many people have or are facing in the world around me.

It's shocking when you see news footage of what is happening at this very moment in time in another country. People without homes, family members missing, thousands dead... It's a tough thing to grasp, to imagine. The thing with seeing these things on the television or seeing pictures in a newspaper is that you can turn it off or stop reading, you can close the paper or change the channel and you are back in your own little world... but the people living it can't do that. It seems obvious, but it's something I think we take for granted or some, even many, don't realise.

A hard thing is understanding this is all real. When I see these things on the news it takes me a while to fully realise this is not a Hollywood movie, that the wreckage isn't a man made set, that it's not all special effects and the people dead are only extras and the living are the main cast. Of course, I know it is all real, and this is no film, but i'm guilty of almost being de-sensitised to these images now.

This isn't to say I am not heartbroken or shocked... because I am, truly, but it raises questions (to me at least) about what I digest. I need to start opening my eyes more and taking in what is happening, and although I keep fairly up to date with world affairs and news, I have at times taken a back seat, turned it off and been guilty of ignorance.

It's been nice seeing the effort people have taken to give money to aid and charity to help, really nice. I lose faith often in humanity... all the pain we cause each other, the wars we have with the people we love, the wars with others outside our own circle, the ignorance of many... but from what I have seen, and I have seen a lot on this subject, it really feels like something is happening.

I have seen people raising awareness on Twitter, posting links to charitys and places where the money will be best spent and used, people actually caring... and it's times like this when I see that we can pull together and fight for a better cause, change things. In our current economic climate, where money is for many tight, where people have lost jobs and can barely afford to feed their children... it's nice to think they can also spare some money and help those who are in even less fortunate situations.

I don't know, it's just refreshing.

I'm not sure where I am going with this, but I really hope the money people are giving and the aid which is sent will be received and used correctly in Haiti... I hope it will save lives and help them build up what has been lost, and although the scar will be there for a long time I hope eventually it will heal.

x

A Spark

At the time of writing this the clock has just turned 04:30am. It's rather normal of me to be up at this time thinking because rarely is company in the form of friendship available at such an hour, infact it is rarely available at all for me.

However, all this time I spend alone and doing very little other than thinking means I can often think too much.

Tonights musings have once again turned to the career I plan on having, being a film-maker. When I set off on this quest many years ago I started out alone, making small and rather terrible but imaginative films on an old camcorder which was the size of a brick. I have talked about this before I think, but thinking about it I feel I have somewhat lost this sense of adventure within my output.

You see, before choosing film as an edcuational career, as in, to study film, I actually had a passion to do it in my spare time, infact I was constantly thinking up ideas and filming random things which took my interest. You could say I was learning by doing, but doing on my own merit and without interference, all of my own accord and at my own pace.

Thinking about it, I wonder now if choosing to study in an area I would ideally like to spend the rest of my life in was such a good idea, because that approach I had and the way I thought then has sort of been lost along the way. Do not get me wrong, learning in an educational environment has done what it said on the tin and taught me things which I might not otherwise have learned such as the history and the business side to the film industry as well as working with others, and I have only just set off on another level of education which I am sure will teach me more valuable aspects, but on the whole I almost feel like that passion and bright light I had inside of me which propelled my heart and soul into teaching myself and spending all possible moments learning as much as I could have... has burnt out.

I wonder, If I could go back in time and change my course of action knowing what I know now, if I would go down the same route. I wonder what might have happened if I carried on teaching myself, learning at my own pace and creating projects on my own accord... where I might be, or rather what I could be doing at this moment in time.

I do love the course I am on, I wake on a morning and look forward to being in the lecture room, unlike the mornings when I would wake knowing I had sports or maths, because its something I love to do, but as much as this is the case there are aspects to an educational setting which can never really fully satisfy me, which is probably either a state of rebellion or simply a state of tediousness that comes from being in education for so long.

However, I have possibly figured that although I am at a state where my mental ability to think up ideas and to create projects has dried up somewhat from what it once was, only I can change the course of this and do something about it.

So I figure the plan of action is to, as much as possible, try to get back what I might have lost and get back into a stride. Get my creative juices flowing once more and plan for the future, be that the immediate or the distant.

I have tonight, for the first time since stepping foot into a classroom to study film around 3 years ago, decided to do something I forgot I wanted to do. I won't go furthur into what this is but I will set the wheels in motion and begin to plan a course of action which could potentially change things from the track they are on at the moment.

This also though means that I need to spend less time thinking and more time doing, researching, laying the bricks to build the wall. I will not learn by being taught, but learn by doing and in my own time, and hopefully something could come of it, even if its simply learning a lesson.

I will re-assess certain things which I am currently doing in the near future, and if I decide it is not for me, then so be it.

I only have one life and I need as few regrets as possible.

One thing I have noticed is that I have become lazy with the dream I had. I no longer wish to spend as much time as I can learning as much as I can, because as much as I would like to it has become a chore, something which I now HAVE to do rather than WANT to do. It's quite to think like that really.

I simply hope I stick to what I want this time, because many a time I have had a similar feeling and either fell flat on my face or gone back into a state similar to what I am in now through knocks which blow my already small confidence in myself and ability into the ground. As always, the future is uncertain, but I hope this thought tonight has set off a spark... it certainly feel likes it.

In honesty...

I hate banks... I really do.

Don't get me wrong, without them I wouldn't be receiving an education right now. I would probably be stuck either in a dead end job or no job at all (which is the most probable option considering the current conomic climate), but regardless of this, the banks seem to get away with things people in general wouldn't... like stealing money from someone who can barely afford to eat, stealing the very little money which on a good week only just pays for rent and bills without even taking into consideration other aspects which some people find themselves in.

I've been keeping track of banks and the whole 'payback' from consumers where bank charges can be paid back, and at the moment, though this whole thing is on hold there is a possible chance that bank charges can be paid back for hardship, which I would say applies in this case.

Either way, I do not simply understand how banks can do the things they do, while the people who lash out these 'consequences' get overpaid and often get huge bonuses. If I were working for a corrupt system, would I really want a bonus when I know people are worrying about living day to day? I don't think I would.

I hope the people who work in the head offices, or those in charge of banks actually realise the utterly terrible situation they leave some people in. I hope they cannot sleep at night knowing they leave people who make simple mistakes worry about how they can keep a roof over their heads... though I doubt somehow they would considering they will be sleeping on their big fat wages.

Don't get me wrong, some people are irresponsible and borrow money when they know they cannot afford to, and in return this borrowing means they end up in huge amounts of debt, but for a simple mistake that got out of hand it repulses me when banks do what they do.

I don't want to go into too much detail, but it's safe to say they have left things up shit creek without a paddle. Thanks banks... for fuck all.

In other news, I go back to university on Friday (if I can get there with this weather), and I have to say I really don't want to go now. I almost feel a sense of dread, not at the educational side as I mentioned in the previous blog, but because of everything else. I have no idea how I even feel at the moment considering Uni, what to do even. I feel like if I had the option I wouldn't go back, but what would really be the point in that? Would it help me in the long run? I don't think so.

It's strange how many decisions you need to make when you get over a certain age. Ones that not only effect the immediate future but the long term. I find it difficult, very difficult. The worst thing is not really feeling like you have anyone who you can confide in, or explain these issues and worries to. I feel like I need someone here at the moment to give me advice, tell me either to go with my heart or my mind, or give me some sense of what I must do in order to acheive something and reach an ultimate goal.

I guess it all falls on me though.

I don't know though, I really don't. I think at the moment I am just in a confused state of mind that is all over the place. Like I said with the last blog, I probably will go back, and try as hard as I can to make something of it, change it and make it the best it can be...

Fuck. When did things get so hard? I know this isn't much in comparison to other peoples issues and worries, but all these small things really weigh on my mind and add up to one big thing... and I find it hard coping.

Does it ever get easier? I suspect not.

A public letter to Vodafone

Dear Vodafone,

A while ago I took out a contract for your Mobile Broadband. You see, I didn't have the internet and this new technology which meant I could plug and play and be connected to this wonderful world really made sense to me. I was taken in by the promise of broadband speeds, the best mobile broadband on the market and all for £18 a month. It sounded a winner.

Upon getting the dongle (which may I say is a stupid name for this device) I realised it was going slower than I expected. It took forever to load a page, I couldn't send pictures in emails because it wouldn't cope and would just turn off, God forbid I wanted to download a song or watch a video... But I thought I would give it a chance and see if it got better. It didn't.

I tried to return the device, claiming that you had ripped me off and sold me this item under false promises, but I couldn't because I had gone over the time period in which I could return it and get the contract cut, so you told me that I either keep it or pay off the rest of the contract.

This of course led to me keeping it. I certainly wasn't going to pay for this shit and not actually have it. So I have endured with it. Painfully endured. Its cost me a lot for something which shouldn't even be given away free, it's that terrible and painfully bad.

A few months ago enough was enough, so I got in touch and said I would not have it any longer. After a painfully long battle of words, although I couldn't kill the contract completally you did agree to cut it by six months, which was nice, but still... here I am with the shitty little 'broadband' that is worse than fucking dial up.

So, my contract ends at the end of this month, and you are still trying to con me out of money. You will not tell me what I do now with the dongle, you will not provide me with information. This makes me angry.

So, this is not only a public letter to you fucking idiots at Vodafone who conned me out of alot of money over the past year and half, but also to those who may ever wish to buy one of these disgustingly terrible devices in the future.

Do not waste your time and do not fall for the shiny advertising. This is not broadband by any stretch of the imagination. This is not the best device for this kind of thing on the market. The customer service is poor, the device is poor and this whole ordeal has been poor.

I wish someone would have told me this prior to signing my life and wallet over to Vodafone.

You have been warned.

Oh, and Vodafone, please do not tell you are sorry for me wanting to leave... If you would have kept the promises and given me a service that was as good as I was thinking It would be, I would not be writing this today. You are a glorified version of the knock off perfume seller who sells smelly piss out of a fancy bottle on the local market store.

Thank you for your time, and fuck right off...

John

So long, Lonesome

The night before last I had a pretty immense time with a lovely old school friend of mine. Me and her first met when we were young, very young. We went through primary and secondary school together. We always kept in touch, and although we went our own ways at times we have still remained pretty close in various ways, and we are still alike.

She came and slept at my house. It was a rather random and insane night, but fantastically amazing all the same. Nothing newsworthy happened, but to be able to spend time with someone you greatly love and have childhood memories with is something I personally think is a very special experience.

It was lovely being able to see her again, being able to just talk about the past, the present and the future. Its amazing how we both seem to be going through very similar experiences of Uni also, I almost like, if we would have gone to the same one we would have had this connection and accomplice who would have just made things go by easier. But alas...

New Years came and went without much fuss. I spent it with another childhood friend, just the two of us having a gentle drink and singing loudly, followed by pizza and a midnight walk in the coldness. Nothing newsworthy, but lovely all the same.

I think after being away from home for so long, and coming back, its made me realise I had it so lucky for so long. When I was a young teenager I couldn't wait to get away. I hated this place, this life, the people and the familiar things which I saw on an almost daily basis. I always say I don't have regrets, but I do regret not just enjoying the time I had here and for not appreciating it enough.

In just under two weeks I will be back at Uni, and although many I know are excited about being back, I can't say I really feel the same. I realised when I was talking to my good friend at 3am the other night, it's not something I now want to do, but something I feel I should do. It fills me with a dread almost to think I will be away from here again, but at the same time I can't leave that world because it's what I have wanted for so long.

There are people with expectations of me, low ones, and I want to prove I can do this and survive... but more than anything I want to prove it to myself.

If I didn't love the course as much as I do, and appreciate and enjoy the course I don't know if I would go back. It's not to say I don't have friends, because I do and some are lovely and amazing people, but overall the lifestyle side of university, which to be fair is most of the experience, hasn't been something I can say I have enjoyed.

So, this is not a resolution as such, but more of a personal thing I would like to achieve... I want to enjoy it, or try to. I want to mingle with people more, spend time with the people I like up there, put my heart and soul as always into friendships and try and get the same in return. I want to do well on the course, come out of it with something I can be proud of, look back much like I do of school and college and say I did the best I can. More than anything, I want to just be happy and make others happy.

This I guess is what I wanted when I initially went up, and I failed... but I want to see this new term almost as a new start, try again. If in two months time I feel the same as I did a few weeks ago, I will seriously doubt my ability to stay the whole three years, but i'll take it one step at a time and hope for the best.

I hope more than anything I can get something close to a good bond with people, have one or two friends who are like the ones I have spent time with whilst being home, the close ones you feel you can tell anything and always are able to rely on. This I guess is the hope.

x