Pierrot the Clown

I'm drowning in self-pity today.

It just hit me again that everything is so complicated now, with adult life comes adult responsibilities, with age comes expectation. If I told you I didn't understand alot of things, that would be the truth, but i'm too busy trying to convince everyone around me that i'm fine and in the process only seem to achieve making myself worse.

Its a scary time for me, exciting also, but mainly scary. I wish more than anything that I could be back in that school playground as a child with little to worry about. Wish more than anything I could turn back time and maybe take the steps I was too afraid to take. I guess i'll be wishing these things for the rest of my life.

I don't know how some people do it. Live an adult life I mean. I've just started taking the baby steps and already I feel at a dead end before the path has even begun. Maybe its all about learning, and with learning comes a greater peace of mind, but I can safely say at the moment there is little in terms of peace that I seem to be having dished up on my dinner plate.

Why, when I keep my side of the bargain, can others not be the same?

I apologise for being like this. Its just a time when I have so many questions, worries and fears, that I have to get them out. The imagination still lives on, and deep inside I don't know if I will ever lose the magic and poetry. I always fear I will lose that which makes me myself in an adult world, a world where you need to be 'grown up'. I feel stamped on, thrown in the factory only to come out a carbon copy. I went in a tree, I come out a piece of paper, like millions of others.

Pessimist or realist. I'm seriously wondering.

I can never really tell people how I feel in life. I just smile and pretend everything is okay. Its like a mask, as soon as I wake it goes on, when I sleep it comes off but is always close. I just found out my grandma has had a bit of bad health, and my grandad later in the week will be having major surgery. How should I feel when come Saturday i'll be travelling to the other side of the country?

I'll leave this here. I shouldn't blog when I feel the way I feel now. No-one wants to read about others issues when there are many i'm sure you have yourself, and many with much worse.

'If civilization is ever going to be anything but a grandiose pratfall, anything more than a can of deodorizer in the shithouse of existence, then people are going to have to concern themselves with magic and poetry' Tom Robbins