Am I a bore?
The thing is, today has given me some sense of normality again, not that my week has been wild and crazy, or anything close to it infact, but this week, with moving to Uni, setting up a new life and trying to get by and live it, its been draining in a way. I'm used to doing nothing, and even though I have done little and next to nothing compared to some people, i've done more than I would ever do in a normal week back home.
In a way I have been finding it difficult. I don't feel like I fit into this normal student lifestyle, or fit into social situations in general, but i've been really trying hard to change my state of mind that i've been plagued by for the last 19 years of my life. I'm trying hard, and it it hard, but slowly I think i'm beginning to enjoy it more and more, everyday something changes that little bit and i'm moving forwards rather than backwards, which is where I feel I have been moving for ages now. I don't mind going out alone so much, even though its an alien planet i'm on at the moment. I see no familar faces, I know no place of comfort inparticular, but i'm trying hard to just get on with it.
I have to admit, I still in a way dread leaving the apartment, simply because I still feel judged, by everyone, be it someone walking past me, someone in a car... anyone, anywhere. I feel like when I walk down a street I am a victim, this hasn't changed yet, but its moving very slowly to a point where I just try and banish those thoughts from my head. Nothing up to this point has been on accident, and the way I am with feeling insecure about everything and anything is because of something which has happened that has made me feel this way, an event or a circumstance that made me who I am.
In a way, I guess I miss not doing anything much. Whilst I was at college, I would wake up, go to college, get home from college and not leave the house again. That was my life, my social life... college. I didn't go out often, or partying every weekend like some people I knew, but I didn't have a desire to. In the same way, I don't desire to now, but I do however want to give it a go, see how life outside my comfy box works, dip my toe in the sea a little and see if I fancy a swim. Its like being reborn in a way, or being a born again Christian. Its a whole new life, and its scary at first, and weird, and alien, but after a while you might just warm to it if you give it a chance.
Sorry to use Christianity as an example, i've been there though, and I know how it all works with feeling nothing towards it at first but interest and eventually liking it... but then again I hate it now. Hmm. Yeah, this analogy is going nowhere fast.
But yes. I've been out a few nights this week, the first night was a freshers party. I wasn't excited to go, Ii was scared, but I enjoyed it, and I met a few people whose faces keep coming up now. This to me was a winner of a night, simply because now I know a few more people, the whole reason I went, and it worked. The second night was a hypnotist (who I will blog about in the near future) and again, I got to know a few people a little better. I spent a whole night with someone on my course, and now I feel I know them better. Winner part two. Last night I went to a comedy night, and although I met only one new person, if I see her again around Uni I will be able to strike up conversation.
This is my point. Its all a learning curve and experience, and i'm enjoying it. I would be lying if I said I would want to go out all the time, but I do feel its really helped and brought me closer to new people I would not have met otherwise, or formed friendships quicker than if I would have not gone out.
The first few days were a little egdy for me. I had no money, I still felt homesick, I felt just... like I didn't belong... but slowly, very slowly, where I am now is becoming a home, and I'm slowly making people who are becoming a family so to speak, a very distant family though (haha).
Yes. This is life now, and if I don't make the most of it the next three years will no doubt be miserable, so I WILL enjoy it all I can, or at least... try. Thats all you can do really, try. If you never try you are prone to fail, more than likely will fail and you will always have that little thought of 'What if i'd have just given it a bit more effort?'. I don't want to look back in three years time and think I have wasted an opportunity, I want to be proud of myself, feel better in myself and be more confident... and lastly, feel more alive.
'If you never lose, how you gunna know when you've won? and if its never dark, how you gunna know the sun?'
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