Time to Pretend

I think this has been my first week back at Uni after the holidays (not that I really anything that could be considered a holiday) and already I feel a little trapped again.

I know I moan about Uni a hell of a lot, and for all the bad things it could be worse, but I'm not sure at the moment if this is what I want... just, all of it. I don't really know if University is the right thing for me, or if I am right for it, because I like to feel (however opposed it may be in reality) like I am free, and making my own decisions, and I don't get that with all this.

This is all I talk about on here, generally because I am trying to make sense of it myself, and because University is my life, and has been, since September. I should probably make more effort to do more things outside of Uni in a social aspect, but I don't really see anything of much worth doing in this 'city' that I am in, and I'm educating myself on the internet by collaborating in an artistic way with people who feel similar to me (sort of) about art.

I just don't know... I say this all the time, I know I do, and yet I make no steps in solving any of it or making any steps towards being active and making decisions.

I won't lie, I have thought, quite a bit, about quitting.

I don't know what's stopping me... me proving to myself I can do all this? Not letting my family down or being a disappointment like they always thought I would be? Not wanting to end friendships or dissapoint the people I have met up here who I have made plans with for the coming years?

It's a lot to think about. I don't want to be another drop out... someone who couldn't handle authority or handle being independent, but on the other hand it's not about that, it's about the way I feel about the things I am doing... yet others will see it like the first of those.

It's just... like I'm living my life in a groundhog day scene, where repetition is relentless and it's the same thing day in and day out, and yeah, I work on different projects and there is always something different in that sense, but it's the same thing still, and then I have all of these doubts all the time, every day, on and on.

Fuck... it's just a lot to cope with. And still, for all of this, I can never talk face to face with people about any of this, not in this detail or depth, because I just block out full on interaction on an emotional level with humans... It just happens, and I can try and brake that barrier but it never fully comes out as I have rehearsed in my head a thousand times over.

This must be such a boring fucking topic for anyone who bothers reading this now... it's all i go on about, all the time, blog after blog. I wish I was sorry but I'm not... I've said all along this is all for my selfish ways and to just clear my head, so I guess I can't be sorry for something intentional, but I wish I wasn't feeling this way.

Imagine this though... I quit University, and then what? I live back with my family and mum, I don't have the internet because we can't afford it, I don't get a job because I'm too adamant that I will never work a 9 to 5 or something that isn't keeping me creative... and that will be that.

How can people, adults, make these decisions that are really life changing all the time? I wish I knew, or could see into the future and be safe in the knowledge that everything will work out fine or... well... yeah... the other option I won't discuss.

But I don't understand how people do this. In fact, I don't understand why as humans we just put up with it. It's just this whole system we are all trapped in, and I want out, because I don't enjoy any of this really.

Anyway... yeah.