I'm feeling quite tired and over-emotional at the moment... a big mixture of things big and small are creeping together slowly and it can be overwhelming.
The last few weeks I have been ill on an almost daily basis. Started with stomach cramps, then slowly my back came into the equation and has been constantly aching. Add to that a flu with a terrible cough, headaches which come and go about three times daily and cause immense amounts of pain to the point of feeling sick and crying my eyes out...
Then on top of that I just feel drained, physically and emotionally. Mentally I'm battling a few demons which have struck me once again.
I try not to show all this... the pain I'm in. I still go to Uni every day, act like I always do and put as much energy as possible into projects and work, and then at the end of the day when I get home I just burn out. It's becoming impossible to cope with.
I had a two hour conversation with my sister in law tonight on the phone, and I miss my family so much. A month ago I became an uncle, and I still have not seen my new niece. My grandma isn't feeling too well. My mums uncle, my grandmas brother died, and this will be the second funeral I have missed while I have been back at Uni.
In terms of the funerals, although they are not family members I know all that well, it's a time when you feel the need to be with the rest of the people who are suffering, the ones who I am close to and grew up with, and I feel like I can't be... which tears me up.
Worse than this is the fact that I feel like my feelings are not intense towards this all... Like, I am living in my own little bubble and world and I forget that my family is coping with all this joy and pain back home, and I'm not feeling that. When my niece was born, I felt happy, obviously, but I have never had contact with her and I don't know how she is... I don't have feelings for her which an uncle should, which I feel i should because I am absent from her life.
I miss my mum. I know she goes through things and doesn't tell people, because when I went home at Christmas I saw it for myself, and although people know she finds it hard, they often don't know how to treat the way she is, or rather how to get her to understand herself, which I do. I feel guilty almost for leaving her, and yet I have to live my own life.
When I was at college, and I was seeing someone about some issues I had, I was told that I needed to stop the guilt and remember that I have my own life, and yet here I am, a year on, feeling the same feelings I did then, just with more passion. It's difficult.
The thing is, my mum is the only parent I have, and although she is capable of everything herself, I feel somewhat inclined to be able to look after her the way she has me. She brought me up alone, which takes effort and dedication that I find hard to be rivalled.
She is now living alone, for the first time in her life, and she is struggling... I saw that at Christmas.
I guess I'm living my own life though, and there is reason... I want to be able to not only follow my dream, but be able to provide my mum with a constant stability that she needs, because all her life she has struggled. She deserves more.
So... where does this lead me now?
Well, I have to keep going. It's difficult, and will no doubt get worse before it has any chance of getting better, but I have to remember why I am doing this, both on a personal level and in terms of what I want to be able to provide for my family. I need to sign up to a doctor if I have any chance of getting rid or even knowing about this illness which is taking too much effort to get rid of. And last of all, I need to keep battling and working to achieve what I came here to achieve, because although it's three years of my life which will be difficult, I hope it might be the stepping stones to reach my goals and dreams.
So although I feel pessimistic at the moment and things are getting on top of me, I also see a faint light in the distance... which makes a change.
x
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