A Spark

At the time of writing this the clock has just turned 04:30am. It's rather normal of me to be up at this time thinking because rarely is company in the form of friendship available at such an hour, infact it is rarely available at all for me.

However, all this time I spend alone and doing very little other than thinking means I can often think too much.

Tonights musings have once again turned to the career I plan on having, being a film-maker. When I set off on this quest many years ago I started out alone, making small and rather terrible but imaginative films on an old camcorder which was the size of a brick. I have talked about this before I think, but thinking about it I feel I have somewhat lost this sense of adventure within my output.

You see, before choosing film as an edcuational career, as in, to study film, I actually had a passion to do it in my spare time, infact I was constantly thinking up ideas and filming random things which took my interest. You could say I was learning by doing, but doing on my own merit and without interference, all of my own accord and at my own pace.

Thinking about it, I wonder now if choosing to study in an area I would ideally like to spend the rest of my life in was such a good idea, because that approach I had and the way I thought then has sort of been lost along the way. Do not get me wrong, learning in an educational environment has done what it said on the tin and taught me things which I might not otherwise have learned such as the history and the business side to the film industry as well as working with others, and I have only just set off on another level of education which I am sure will teach me more valuable aspects, but on the whole I almost feel like that passion and bright light I had inside of me which propelled my heart and soul into teaching myself and spending all possible moments learning as much as I could have... has burnt out.

I wonder, If I could go back in time and change my course of action knowing what I know now, if I would go down the same route. I wonder what might have happened if I carried on teaching myself, learning at my own pace and creating projects on my own accord... where I might be, or rather what I could be doing at this moment in time.

I do love the course I am on, I wake on a morning and look forward to being in the lecture room, unlike the mornings when I would wake knowing I had sports or maths, because its something I love to do, but as much as this is the case there are aspects to an educational setting which can never really fully satisfy me, which is probably either a state of rebellion or simply a state of tediousness that comes from being in education for so long.

However, I have possibly figured that although I am at a state where my mental ability to think up ideas and to create projects has dried up somewhat from what it once was, only I can change the course of this and do something about it.

So I figure the plan of action is to, as much as possible, try to get back what I might have lost and get back into a stride. Get my creative juices flowing once more and plan for the future, be that the immediate or the distant.

I have tonight, for the first time since stepping foot into a classroom to study film around 3 years ago, decided to do something I forgot I wanted to do. I won't go furthur into what this is but I will set the wheels in motion and begin to plan a course of action which could potentially change things from the track they are on at the moment.

This also though means that I need to spend less time thinking and more time doing, researching, laying the bricks to build the wall. I will not learn by being taught, but learn by doing and in my own time, and hopefully something could come of it, even if its simply learning a lesson.

I will re-assess certain things which I am currently doing in the near future, and if I decide it is not for me, then so be it.

I only have one life and I need as few regrets as possible.

One thing I have noticed is that I have become lazy with the dream I had. I no longer wish to spend as much time as I can learning as much as I can, because as much as I would like to it has become a chore, something which I now HAVE to do rather than WANT to do. It's quite to think like that really.

I simply hope I stick to what I want this time, because many a time I have had a similar feeling and either fell flat on my face or gone back into a state similar to what I am in now through knocks which blow my already small confidence in myself and ability into the ground. As always, the future is uncertain, but I hope this thought tonight has set off a spark... it certainly feel likes it.