The night before last I had a pretty immense time with a lovely old school friend of mine. Me and her first met when we were young, very young. We went through primary and secondary school together. We always kept in touch, and although we went our own ways at times we have still remained pretty close in various ways, and we are still alike.
She came and slept at my house. It was a rather random and insane night, but fantastically amazing all the same. Nothing newsworthy happened, but to be able to spend time with someone you greatly love and have childhood memories with is something I personally think is a very special experience.
It was lovely being able to see her again, being able to just talk about the past, the present and the future. Its amazing how we both seem to be going through very similar experiences of Uni also, I almost like, if we would have gone to the same one we would have had this connection and accomplice who would have just made things go by easier. But alas...
New Years came and went without much fuss. I spent it with another childhood friend, just the two of us having a gentle drink and singing loudly, followed by pizza and a midnight walk in the coldness. Nothing newsworthy, but lovely all the same.
I think after being away from home for so long, and coming back, its made me realise I had it so lucky for so long. When I was a young teenager I couldn't wait to get away. I hated this place, this life, the people and the familiar things which I saw on an almost daily basis. I always say I don't have regrets, but I do regret not just enjoying the time I had here and for not appreciating it enough.
In just under two weeks I will be back at Uni, and although many I know are excited about being back, I can't say I really feel the same. I realised when I was talking to my good friend at 3am the other night, it's not something I now want to do, but something I feel I should do. It fills me with a dread almost to think I will be away from here again, but at the same time I can't leave that world because it's what I have wanted for so long.
There are people with expectations of me, low ones, and I want to prove I can do this and survive... but more than anything I want to prove it to myself.
If I didn't love the course as much as I do, and appreciate and enjoy the course I don't know if I would go back. It's not to say I don't have friends, because I do and some are lovely and amazing people, but overall the lifestyle side of university, which to be fair is most of the experience, hasn't been something I can say I have enjoyed.
So, this is not a resolution as such, but more of a personal thing I would like to achieve... I want to enjoy it, or try to. I want to mingle with people more, spend time with the people I like up there, put my heart and soul as always into friendships and try and get the same in return. I want to do well on the course, come out of it with something I can be proud of, look back much like I do of school and college and say I did the best I can. More than anything, I want to just be happy and make others happy.
This I guess is what I wanted when I initially went up, and I failed... but I want to see this new term almost as a new start, try again. If in two months time I feel the same as I did a few weeks ago, I will seriously doubt my ability to stay the whole three years, but i'll take it one step at a time and hope for the best.
I hope more than anything I can get something close to a good bond with people, have one or two friends who are like the ones I have spent time with whilst being home, the close ones you feel you can tell anything and always are able to rely on. This I guess is the hope.
x
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