don't bother reading, usual shit.

You don't even have to read this.

It's just the same shit as normal, just a different date.

I just realised, I've not been out the house since last Friday, as in, actually stepping out the front door. Few reasons... one being that I'm still ill, two being that I'm scared and three being that I just generally feel shit altogether.

In terms of number one, I keep getting intense pains in my stomach, head aches, dizziness, the list goes on... I feel like a second hand toy with parts missing, not fully able to operate in any sense. I don't have a doctor, and I don't care to see one... After years of being like this on and off, all I ever get is 'Take these shitty little tablets and life will be better' but it never is, and it never helps in the long run... ever. I swear, it's at the point where I just break into tears because of the pain a number of times during the day, and then I can't sleep during the night. I'm wearing down, fast.

In terms of number two, I'm scared for a number of reasons. First and foremost, what happened last Friday really scared me, and I am seriously worried it might happen again. It's not an irrational fear, because it's based on something I never want to experience again... Reason two is that I genuinely feel scared at the moment of everything, and in here, this room, the only thing that can harm me is myself. If you have never felt this way, I'm sure it will be hard to understand, but the best way I can describe it is like this:

It kind of feels like I'm in a prison where the door is always open, but I can't leave.

So, I've missed a full week at Uni... hardly done anything at all productive for Uni, pretty much fucked everyone over and everything up... and yet, for all of that, I really can't seem to care. It's not that I don't care, I do, a hell of a lot, but when I'm in this mindset I just feel numb, and everything around me suffers, which only makes it worse. Get the picture?

I'm really at the point where I question what the point is with everything. If I'm just going to be a fuck up all the time, or for periods like this, and that's going to happen again and again, then I'll constantly just be this fucking burden on everyone around me, and myself.

Speaking of which, I just feel alone, all the time now. I must say this all the time but... There isn't a constant in my life, nothing is sure and certain and there isn't that constant person to rely on. I know I should learn to live without the help or need of others, but it's difficult. Just someone to have a proper face to face conversation with about anything, someone who understands you, someone you can always rely on and trust with your heart and soul...

I can't even face talking to my family anymore because I just want to cry hearing them on the phone, or seeing the pictures of them on Facebook... anything, any reminder. I can't seem to think about them, because I realise I've neglected them. I just feel like a stranger to them.

I mean, honestly, I feel like this so often... it's very rare I ever feel happy, and then it's just like a blip in the system. It's just all these moments of feeling lost and out of control with temporary moments of happiness just thrown in for good measure.

And it's all a cycle...

I get ill, it takes forever to get better because I've worn my immune system and body down so much, so I feel down, or I'm ill because I'm down, then I miss uni, and then I get behind and don't do what I should, which then makes me stressed or fucks things up for other people, which makes me feel guilty, which makes me feel shit, which makes me ill again...

Add to that tons of other things and it really does drag. I've tried everything, pretty much everything, to solve this crap I've been putting up with for the last 8 years or so, and it never gets easier, ever. I guess I should be a pro by now.

Thing is, nobody even cares enough to ask if I'm fine, and again, I shouldn't need people to ask, but it's just a case of someone noticing. I've been asked once in a week by someone I know if I am okay, and that was only an opening for the infamous 'Can you do me a favour'. I'm going to stop bothering the next time I think someone isn't feeling too good, or when they need an open ear, because when I need it most nobody so much as sends a simple message to see whats happening.

I mean, it's literally at the point where I can't for the life of me just put that brave face on and pretend it's all okay, and I don't want/need people to see me like this, ever.

I'm just a wreck.

And yeah, I talk about myself on here all the time, and I know there are people worse off than me. People dying of cancer, in earthquakes, in wars, famines, poverty, people living with domestic violence, abuse, people being killed as we speak, people with drug addictions, no house, no family at all...

I'm lucky, I am. But it doesn't stop the way I feel. I don't even know why I bother writing all this in blogs, because it never helps, and I keep deleting this blog and bringing it back to life, but nobody probably notices anyway, or bothers to read, and I don't mind, I don't blame you all... anyone.

Fuck it.