So, I didn't sleep. Its the normal state of play that happens when all I want to do is turn myself off and all the mind wants to do is turn itself on. I wouldn't have minded but today will be a busy day, and I shall be tired and probably moody, or over-active as is also normally the state of play when I'm tired. I call it 'sleep stoned'. A fitting name I think.
The problem is I have so much whizzing through my head at great speeds that I can't turn it off. It's like an explosion in my mind, just things hurtling through it, all crashing into multi-coloured sparks. I close my eyes but there are images there, crystal clear and seemingly real.
I wish I could remember what it was like to have a real sleeping pattern. Up at a certain time and down another, day after day for weeks on end. Try all I can I have failed time and time again, and every time I give in that little bit more. I think the last time I had a pattern was when I was around 9 years old, not out of fault of trying, my mum tried, but I couldn't sleep at a normal time.
I guess I would be fine sleeping if I could sleep in the day. I always have no problem sleeping through the day, being awake at night. No idea why, it just feels... happens... is.
And so its almost 06:40am and sleep is not on the agenda now as soon enough I shall be on my way to University. I see this as a regular thing, it was the same with school, and college... why would it stop now?
October 12, 2009
October 11, 2009
What to call something that deserves no name?
I've been having a bit of a low day today. No reason, just low. I've been over-thinking, over-analysing and feeling run down. Again, no reason, I emphasise this. Of course when I say no reason there is always a reason, just as when people say 'I'm fine' its often the case they are not.
There is little reason, I should say, or self fabricated reason, imagined reason, reason for reasons sake. Few. All of which lead into a boiling pot of doubt. Doubt is the killer in all of this, because when I doubt it makes everything seem unreal, the good and the bad. Doubt is the curiosity that the cat killed, that killed me in the past, doubt is the devil in disguise in all of this.
The devil on my shoulder that whispers sweet nothings that are somethings when listened to, but otherwise nothing. Falling empty into the earths core, the brain, a thing of mystery. Untold.
Strange mood, strange light, street light. Yes, I think I understand that the only thing you can ever understand is that nothing is ever certain, I think. Do I know this? No. I think. Sinking however into the abyss is a shit stirring mental state that never ceases to leave alone, not never, ever. However this my friend is the thing I mean, when times are good they are good, but the bad is still there, always, just hidden behind the facade of a laugh.
When the fire burns up and dies, the ashes remain, the proof that the fire existed. The same with scars and emotions, emotional scars. The cause dissapears but leaves its print. A stamp.
Fini. The End. Done.
There is little reason, I should say, or self fabricated reason, imagined reason, reason for reasons sake. Few. All of which lead into a boiling pot of doubt. Doubt is the killer in all of this, because when I doubt it makes everything seem unreal, the good and the bad. Doubt is the curiosity that the cat killed, that killed me in the past, doubt is the devil in disguise in all of this.
The devil on my shoulder that whispers sweet nothings that are somethings when listened to, but otherwise nothing. Falling empty into the earths core, the brain, a thing of mystery. Untold.
Strange mood, strange light, street light. Yes, I think I understand that the only thing you can ever understand is that nothing is ever certain, I think. Do I know this? No. I think. Sinking however into the abyss is a shit stirring mental state that never ceases to leave alone, not never, ever. However this my friend is the thing I mean, when times are good they are good, but the bad is still there, always, just hidden behind the facade of a laugh.
When the fire burns up and dies, the ashes remain, the proof that the fire existed. The same with scars and emotions, emotional scars. The cause dissapears but leaves its print. A stamp.
Fini. The End. Done.
Up, Up, and Away
Soundtrack: All The Big Trees - Riceboy Sleeps
For the first time, or rather the first time in a while since getting to University, I am missing my family and home. I have no idea why today of all days I am missing them, but it started a little last night and seemingly for no reason. I was just sat in the local pub having a few pints after shopping and the cinema, and it hit me, and I can't shake it today.
Its like we are worlds apart, not physically but in the heart and mind. I don't see them, obviously, I only hear little bits of news and the odd phone call, and I feel like i'm missing it all, or rather missing being there for the simple things. I feel more like a stranger everytime contact happens. I guess its natural to feel like this, for some anyway.
In other news, I went to see UP yesterday which was fantastic. Must admit I shed a slight tear too. Its fantastic and I cannot recommend it enough to people! I saw it in 3D too, which was strange because I think Pixar really know how to use it not as a gimmick, but as something that simply makes the experience more real. I am yet to see a live action 3D but I do wonder how it would differ from the animation side of things, which is all I have seen so far.
Anyway, onwards and upwards ;)
x
For the first time, or rather the first time in a while since getting to University, I am missing my family and home. I have no idea why today of all days I am missing them, but it started a little last night and seemingly for no reason. I was just sat in the local pub having a few pints after shopping and the cinema, and it hit me, and I can't shake it today.
Its like we are worlds apart, not physically but in the heart and mind. I don't see them, obviously, I only hear little bits of news and the odd phone call, and I feel like i'm missing it all, or rather missing being there for the simple things. I feel more like a stranger everytime contact happens. I guess its natural to feel like this, for some anyway.
In other news, I went to see UP yesterday which was fantastic. Must admit I shed a slight tear too. Its fantastic and I cannot recommend it enough to people! I saw it in 3D too, which was strange because I think Pixar really know how to use it not as a gimmick, but as something that simply makes the experience more real. I am yet to see a live action 3D but I do wonder how it would differ from the animation side of things, which is all I have seen so far.
Anyway, onwards and upwards ;)
x
October 7, 2009
To work at last...
I started my first proper assignment yesterday. Basically we have to write a 5 page script, in three drafts, and the script must include a set of variables such as how many characters must be in it, the age of the main character, the title of the screenplay, genre and time it is set in.
Its great to finally get something to work on as so far in my three weeks at university I have done very little but introductions and inductions, which although needed are rather dull and not what I came to do. This assignment both excites me and kind of makes me feel a little uneasy, if only because I will be writing in a very closed form. The variables set a boundary that I cannot cross, and although they are not all that limiting they are not exactly within what I normally like to write, which is more realist or experimental.
However, after researching last night I found some amazing things which I could incorporate into my storyline, which I can really go to town on so to speak. The problem again is cutting the whole thing down into a 5 page script, which translates on screen to about 5 mins. This is a hurdle I have to overcome as I find my problem, as on here, is that I write far too much when often a few sentences can cover the same thing. Condemn a guy for doing too much, haha.
So yes, I finally have work, and it feels good. Oh, one more slight issue, there is too much time to do this task in. There is about a month to get this done in, which is far too much time really, but it is the first year and I suppose I shouldn't moan too much, I am loving it though, very much so.
'With a song in our hearts we play endlessly'
Its great to finally get something to work on as so far in my three weeks at university I have done very little but introductions and inductions, which although needed are rather dull and not what I came to do. This assignment both excites me and kind of makes me feel a little uneasy, if only because I will be writing in a very closed form. The variables set a boundary that I cannot cross, and although they are not all that limiting they are not exactly within what I normally like to write, which is more realist or experimental.
However, after researching last night I found some amazing things which I could incorporate into my storyline, which I can really go to town on so to speak. The problem again is cutting the whole thing down into a 5 page script, which translates on screen to about 5 mins. This is a hurdle I have to overcome as I find my problem, as on here, is that I write far too much when often a few sentences can cover the same thing. Condemn a guy for doing too much, haha.
So yes, I finally have work, and it feels good. Oh, one more slight issue, there is too much time to do this task in. There is about a month to get this done in, which is far too much time really, but it is the first year and I suppose I shouldn't moan too much, I am loving it though, very much so.
'With a song in our hearts we play endlessly'
October 6, 2009
I've dreamt about the sun many times before...
Happiness is a word I have used before, but i'm being genuine when I say things seem to be going well at the moment. I've felt happy before but not in recent history, not like I am now.
I have no idea why, but it feels wrong in a way to be enjoying life, it doesn't feel natural to me, it doesn't come naturally. I'm used to feeling down, and although I have had my moments of fear and hatred, sadness and lonliness in my time at Uni so far, it's all going well. Is it wrong to state that I wonder how long this can last?
This leads me to think sometimes that sadness is a state of mind. You make yourself fear something and that fear will drive you mad, you believe in sadness and you create your own. I've been guilty, many times, but is this happiness just me creating happiness or genuine? I have no idea. I'm a wreck really I could suppose.
In times where good things are needed, you often create your own, but I have good things. I'm in a situation where I'm not worrying about money for the first time in my life, where there are people and friendships that i'm not questioning. There are elements I miss, regrets on how I have taken to people so far, the way I have reacted to events and situations... all of these have been and gone, done. I cannot dwell on them because to move onwards I must forget, and hope to be forgiven.
I apologise for making little sense, if sense is anything at all. I have had little sleep once again and with little sleep comes too much time to think, and thinking leads to questioning and questioning to doubt. Doubt is the killer queen in all this, in everything. Doubt in myself, the system, people, life. All.
Moving forwards means to look back and learn upon your mistakes, and I'm still trying. Last night I had a conversation where I explained that it felt weird to feel genuinly liked, no strings or wanting to change, and for the first time I realised that all along, maybe it wasn't just myself to blame, but the people who were not willing to accept me as I was.
On with the show.
I have no idea why, but it feels wrong in a way to be enjoying life, it doesn't feel natural to me, it doesn't come naturally. I'm used to feeling down, and although I have had my moments of fear and hatred, sadness and lonliness in my time at Uni so far, it's all going well. Is it wrong to state that I wonder how long this can last?
This leads me to think sometimes that sadness is a state of mind. You make yourself fear something and that fear will drive you mad, you believe in sadness and you create your own. I've been guilty, many times, but is this happiness just me creating happiness or genuine? I have no idea. I'm a wreck really I could suppose.
In times where good things are needed, you often create your own, but I have good things. I'm in a situation where I'm not worrying about money for the first time in my life, where there are people and friendships that i'm not questioning. There are elements I miss, regrets on how I have taken to people so far, the way I have reacted to events and situations... all of these have been and gone, done. I cannot dwell on them because to move onwards I must forget, and hope to be forgiven.
I apologise for making little sense, if sense is anything at all. I have had little sleep once again and with little sleep comes too much time to think, and thinking leads to questioning and questioning to doubt. Doubt is the killer queen in all this, in everything. Doubt in myself, the system, people, life. All.
Moving forwards means to look back and learn upon your mistakes, and I'm still trying. Last night I had a conversation where I explained that it felt weird to feel genuinly liked, no strings or wanting to change, and for the first time I realised that all along, maybe it wasn't just myself to blame, but the people who were not willing to accept me as I was.
On with the show.
October 2, 2009
The Tribe Returns!
THE TRIBE
RETURNS TO FIVE
THIS SUNDAY!
11:25AM
Yes dear friend, The Tribe, one of my favourite TV shows of ALL time is back on our TV screens THIS Sunday at 11:25am on channel Five.
I don't normally plug TV shows, or anything for that matter, but this to me is a momentus occasion. Why? Well, because The Tribe was my childhood, or rather one of the big things I remember and still love from my childhood, and although this might not seem like a good reason to watch it, you should.
The Tribe is one of those programs that I feel should live on forever, the dream must stay alive, simply because although there are faults, its amazing. Yes the actors are somewhat wooden, the accents seem strange at first (and sometimes throughout) and it isn't the best technical program ever made, but the pro's far outweight the con's. The characters are fantastic, 3-dimensional and mostly realistic, the storylines are gritty, the concept is every childs dream (or mine at least and people who I know have watched it would agree). It is just... The Tribe.
I have heard mixed reactions about the programs. Its one of those programs you love or hate. I love it. Everything about it, even the makeup on Selene that makes her look like she has a monobrow and Bluebells horrid over-dubbed moo's, but those aside (and possibly Trudy's constant whining and pining for Bray) it is amazing, and its back!
I'm happy, i'm very happy, and if you ever watched it and liked it you should be too, and if you never watched it, watch it and try and like it, and then we can talk about it and be geeky fans.
So yeah, i'll shut up now. Plug over, almost...
Five, THIS SUNDAY (the 4th of October), 11:35am
THE TRIBE!
He Got His Passion for His Passion Back
It's rather a strange thing to feel creative again. For the last few months after leaving college and having nothing to do (literally) I have kind of put my mind at rest, and suddenly being back in a learning environment, surrounded by people (or some rather) who are passionate about film, its bringing out the best in me again.
I can genuinly say I feel happy for the first time in a long time. Sure, life's not exactly a bunch of roses and everything isn't going perfectly, but it's not bad, not really. I think I'm always at my happiest when I'm doing things creatively, whether it be artwork, thinking of concepts and ideas for films or creating music, these are the things which make me happy. Its good to be able to think properly again, in a creative way. These last few days my mind has been brimming with ideas for screenplays and concepts, I've been slowly building back those bricks that build the mind I feel I should never lose.
I start lessons properly next week, and all being well things will go well and I can keep this fire burning while it is hot. I suspect when the time comes to be stuck into groups for our first projects, I will no doubt end up with some characters that do nothing, the type that really don't care and just go along for the ride, and this is an obstacle I have to overcome at every hurdle so far... but all being well, and optimistically i'm hoping this won't be the case.
And so it was... He got his passion for his passion back, and life was sweet.
I can genuinly say I feel happy for the first time in a long time. Sure, life's not exactly a bunch of roses and everything isn't going perfectly, but it's not bad, not really. I think I'm always at my happiest when I'm doing things creatively, whether it be artwork, thinking of concepts and ideas for films or creating music, these are the things which make me happy. Its good to be able to think properly again, in a creative way. These last few days my mind has been brimming with ideas for screenplays and concepts, I've been slowly building back those bricks that build the mind I feel I should never lose.
I start lessons properly next week, and all being well things will go well and I can keep this fire burning while it is hot. I suspect when the time comes to be stuck into groups for our first projects, I will no doubt end up with some characters that do nothing, the type that really don't care and just go along for the ride, and this is an obstacle I have to overcome at every hurdle so far... but all being well, and optimistically i'm hoping this won't be the case.
And so it was... He got his passion for his passion back, and life was sweet.
September 30, 2009
Points of You
Tonight I have an apartment full of people filming a film... which includes actors, cameramen, director, producer and so on. This means I am banished into my room where I will need to be silent (which as strange as it sounds I understand as unwanted sound is a bitch sometimes). So my plan of action is to maybe watch a film on the laptop with headphones, or possibly watch a few more episodes of Carnivale.
Inductions at Uni are now over, and so proper lessons start Monday, which means I have a full two days and the weekend ahead of me with not much to do. Tomorrow I think a few friends are coming around and a film shall be the form of entertainment for us, and then after that there isn't really many other plans. I will more than likely be lazy, do bugger all and sleep a lot in preparation for the sleepless cave of existence that is University.
I know this is all I have blogged about, my life, Uni life... and I apologise. This blog started as a light place for me to discuss random goings on, random news and anything that popped into my head, and its turned into yet another shitty blog and someones shitty life. I promise soon enough I will be returning it to its normal state, and maybe also using it as a platform to bounce some ideas for projects on, and possibly if people would be so kind, maybe get some feedback.
My blogs comment virginity is yet to be broken. Basically, I have had no comments. This leads me to a few conclusions. A) No-one is reading it. B) Nothing I am saying is of worth of in need of feedback or C) You just can't be arsed. I don't per se, but if there is ANYTHING you would like to say, or ask, or tell me, then go ahead and don't be afraid. I would hope that at maybe some point in the future this place can be a good place to communicate with people about subjects, or express some ideas and have discussions.
I think the best blogs and websites in general are the ones where discussion is a key element, and for this to work I would need participation. I don't expect much, but possibly some point within the next few days I will post something which we could maybe discuss... Would you be willing to try and feedback some thoughts and opinions? Hmm.
If not, don't worry. I've never had a blog that actively encourages feedback, so I will try it and if it doesn't succeed, c'est la vie... I'll go back to my normal way of doing things.
Bye for now, and i'll post again later!
Inductions at Uni are now over, and so proper lessons start Monday, which means I have a full two days and the weekend ahead of me with not much to do. Tomorrow I think a few friends are coming around and a film shall be the form of entertainment for us, and then after that there isn't really many other plans. I will more than likely be lazy, do bugger all and sleep a lot in preparation for the sleepless cave of existence that is University.
I know this is all I have blogged about, my life, Uni life... and I apologise. This blog started as a light place for me to discuss random goings on, random news and anything that popped into my head, and its turned into yet another shitty blog and someones shitty life. I promise soon enough I will be returning it to its normal state, and maybe also using it as a platform to bounce some ideas for projects on, and possibly if people would be so kind, maybe get some feedback.
My blogs comment virginity is yet to be broken. Basically, I have had no comments. This leads me to a few conclusions. A) No-one is reading it. B) Nothing I am saying is of worth of in need of feedback or C) You just can't be arsed. I don't per se, but if there is ANYTHING you would like to say, or ask, or tell me, then go ahead and don't be afraid. I would hope that at maybe some point in the future this place can be a good place to communicate with people about subjects, or express some ideas and have discussions.
I think the best blogs and websites in general are the ones where discussion is a key element, and for this to work I would need participation. I don't expect much, but possibly some point within the next few days I will post something which we could maybe discuss... Would you be willing to try and feedback some thoughts and opinions? Hmm.
If not, don't worry. I've never had a blog that actively encourages feedback, so I will try it and if it doesn't succeed, c'est la vie... I'll go back to my normal way of doing things.
Bye for now, and i'll post again later!
September 29, 2009
Art Says All In Silence
Although I have not posted any of my sketches and drawings in this blog before, I thought it would be good to post some new ones I did tonight for no reason other than wanting to, which is as good a reason as any. I don't have a scanner, so I have had to make do with a webcam picture, which means the quality isn't fantastic but I have tried to make them look a bit better with some quick editing.
So here they are:
Nothing special really, but I realised after that they were very different to anything I had done before, and if i'm honest maybe a little better than the more simple things I tend to stick to. I don't know really, they just seem more realistic and detailed. A step in the right direction I think.
Art is one of those things that has always kept me more level headed. If I feel upset, or feel overwhelmingly emotional, I always find expressing myself through art can be one of the best things to unwind and calm down. I have no desire really to be an artist, but it's certainly something I enjoy (and i'm not good enough to make a living from it either), but I do enjoy it.
Anyway, thats all really. I've unleashed the new art on an unsuspecting world (or about the 3 people who read this blog, haha).
Bye for now
September 27, 2009
Optimistic Thinking & Realist Thoughts
Today I have done nothing... sweet fuck all... nada. Call it what you want. I've been how I would normally be at home, a hermit, a victim of myself and my own mind. Today there were things I could have done, but didn't. Instead I stayed in my room, only moving really to get yet another coffee or some snacks, and I watched Man On The Moon and listened to some music.
The thing is, today has given me some sense of normality again, not that my week has been wild and crazy, or anything close to it infact, but this week, with moving to Uni, setting up a new life and trying to get by and live it, its been draining in a way. I'm used to doing nothing, and even though I have done little and next to nothing compared to some people, i've done more than I would ever do in a normal week back home.
In a way I have been finding it difficult. I don't feel like I fit into this normal student lifestyle, or fit into social situations in general, but i've been really trying hard to change my state of mind that i've been plagued by for the last 19 years of my life. I'm trying hard, and it it hard, but slowly I think i'm beginning to enjoy it more and more, everyday something changes that little bit and i'm moving forwards rather than backwards, which is where I feel I have been moving for ages now. I don't mind going out alone so much, even though its an alien planet i'm on at the moment. I see no familar faces, I know no place of comfort inparticular, but i'm trying hard to just get on with it.
I have to admit, I still in a way dread leaving the apartment, simply because I still feel judged, by everyone, be it someone walking past me, someone in a car... anyone, anywhere. I feel like when I walk down a street I am a victim, this hasn't changed yet, but its moving very slowly to a point where I just try and banish those thoughts from my head. Nothing up to this point has been on accident, and the way I am with feeling insecure about everything and anything is because of something which has happened that has made me feel this way, an event or a circumstance that made me who I am.
In a way, I guess I miss not doing anything much. Whilst I was at college, I would wake up, go to college, get home from college and not leave the house again. That was my life, my social life... college. I didn't go out often, or partying every weekend like some people I knew, but I didn't have a desire to. In the same way, I don't desire to now, but I do however want to give it a go, see how life outside my comfy box works, dip my toe in the sea a little and see if I fancy a swim. Its like being reborn in a way, or being a born again Christian. Its a whole new life, and its scary at first, and weird, and alien, but after a while you might just warm to it if you give it a chance.
Sorry to use Christianity as an example, i've been there though, and I know how it all works with feeling nothing towards it at first but interest and eventually liking it... but then again I hate it now. Hmm. Yeah, this analogy is going nowhere fast.
But yes. I've been out a few nights this week, the first night was a freshers party. I wasn't excited to go, Ii was scared, but I enjoyed it, and I met a few people whose faces keep coming up now. This to me was a winner of a night, simply because now I know a few more people, the whole reason I went, and it worked. The second night was a hypnotist (who I will blog about in the near future) and again, I got to know a few people a little better. I spent a whole night with someone on my course, and now I feel I know them better. Winner part two. Last night I went to a comedy night, and although I met only one new person, if I see her again around Uni I will be able to strike up conversation.
This is my point. Its all a learning curve and experience, and i'm enjoying it. I would be lying if I said I would want to go out all the time, but I do feel its really helped and brought me closer to new people I would not have met otherwise, or formed friendships quicker than if I would have not gone out.
The first few days were a little egdy for me. I had no money, I still felt homesick, I felt just... like I didn't belong... but slowly, very slowly, where I am now is becoming a home, and I'm slowly making people who are becoming a family so to speak, a very distant family though (haha).
Yes. This is life now, and if I don't make the most of it the next three years will no doubt be miserable, so I WILL enjoy it all I can, or at least... try. Thats all you can do really, try. If you never try you are prone to fail, more than likely will fail and you will always have that little thought of 'What if i'd have just given it a bit more effort?'. I don't want to look back in three years time and think I have wasted an opportunity, I want to be proud of myself, feel better in myself and be more confident... and lastly, feel more alive.
Am I a bore?
The thing is, today has given me some sense of normality again, not that my week has been wild and crazy, or anything close to it infact, but this week, with moving to Uni, setting up a new life and trying to get by and live it, its been draining in a way. I'm used to doing nothing, and even though I have done little and next to nothing compared to some people, i've done more than I would ever do in a normal week back home.
In a way I have been finding it difficult. I don't feel like I fit into this normal student lifestyle, or fit into social situations in general, but i've been really trying hard to change my state of mind that i've been plagued by for the last 19 years of my life. I'm trying hard, and it it hard, but slowly I think i'm beginning to enjoy it more and more, everyday something changes that little bit and i'm moving forwards rather than backwards, which is where I feel I have been moving for ages now. I don't mind going out alone so much, even though its an alien planet i'm on at the moment. I see no familar faces, I know no place of comfort inparticular, but i'm trying hard to just get on with it.
I have to admit, I still in a way dread leaving the apartment, simply because I still feel judged, by everyone, be it someone walking past me, someone in a car... anyone, anywhere. I feel like when I walk down a street I am a victim, this hasn't changed yet, but its moving very slowly to a point where I just try and banish those thoughts from my head. Nothing up to this point has been on accident, and the way I am with feeling insecure about everything and anything is because of something which has happened that has made me feel this way, an event or a circumstance that made me who I am.
In a way, I guess I miss not doing anything much. Whilst I was at college, I would wake up, go to college, get home from college and not leave the house again. That was my life, my social life... college. I didn't go out often, or partying every weekend like some people I knew, but I didn't have a desire to. In the same way, I don't desire to now, but I do however want to give it a go, see how life outside my comfy box works, dip my toe in the sea a little and see if I fancy a swim. Its like being reborn in a way, or being a born again Christian. Its a whole new life, and its scary at first, and weird, and alien, but after a while you might just warm to it if you give it a chance.
Sorry to use Christianity as an example, i've been there though, and I know how it all works with feeling nothing towards it at first but interest and eventually liking it... but then again I hate it now. Hmm. Yeah, this analogy is going nowhere fast.
But yes. I've been out a few nights this week, the first night was a freshers party. I wasn't excited to go, Ii was scared, but I enjoyed it, and I met a few people whose faces keep coming up now. This to me was a winner of a night, simply because now I know a few more people, the whole reason I went, and it worked. The second night was a hypnotist (who I will blog about in the near future) and again, I got to know a few people a little better. I spent a whole night with someone on my course, and now I feel I know them better. Winner part two. Last night I went to a comedy night, and although I met only one new person, if I see her again around Uni I will be able to strike up conversation.
This is my point. Its all a learning curve and experience, and i'm enjoying it. I would be lying if I said I would want to go out all the time, but I do feel its really helped and brought me closer to new people I would not have met otherwise, or formed friendships quicker than if I would have not gone out.
The first few days were a little egdy for me. I had no money, I still felt homesick, I felt just... like I didn't belong... but slowly, very slowly, where I am now is becoming a home, and I'm slowly making people who are becoming a family so to speak, a very distant family though (haha).
Yes. This is life now, and if I don't make the most of it the next three years will no doubt be miserable, so I WILL enjoy it all I can, or at least... try. Thats all you can do really, try. If you never try you are prone to fail, more than likely will fail and you will always have that little thought of 'What if i'd have just given it a bit more effort?'. I don't want to look back in three years time and think I have wasted an opportunity, I want to be proud of myself, feel better in myself and be more confident... and lastly, feel more alive.
'If you never lose, how you gunna know when you've won? and if its never dark, how you gunna know the sun?'
x
x
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