I look for a good beginning... but it becomes a dissapointment.
My heart and mind fluctuate constantly. How is it that I can be so happy one moment and so much in contrast the next? I wish I understood. I wish someone could guide me.
I do wonder if others feel the same but I suspect most don't. Or maybe like me the mask goes on at sunrise and leaves when the sun sets, ever more present in company of human eyes. Its an age old feeling now, and i'm still in my infancy going by statistic. This way of thinking though could be the death of me, and its that which sends worry through my veins.
If this is natural, if I were born to think and be the way I am, will I ever make of life what I want? Or will it forever be a game of cat and mouse where I am chasing something I can never grasp? I would be lying if it didn't seem that way right now.
C'est la Vie. I cannot let this stump me now before I even begin the long road. I have a feeling the next few years of my life will be anything but simple, but if I fail now can I honestly say I will make it in the future? If I go into this, and try... regardless of what my heart and mind tell me... I think they call it persistance... then maybe I will overcome some demons.
After rain comes rainbows. I'm waiting.
October 20, 2009
October 18, 2009
I Speak Aloud and Travel Inside Myself Searching
Soundtrack: Stokkseyri - Riceboy Sleeps
Do you know what's hard? Knowing there was a time you were blissfully happy but knowing at the time you didn't see things for what they were.
There are a few things I can look back on and see in this way, one more than any. When you are going through a hard time, even the good things can sometimes be bad, or you just don't make the most of them. Looking back, I do wonder, if I had seen and known that at the time it was something so worthwhile, I might have put more effort into it. I guess I will never know, and I will never know how it might have gone, or been, or finished.
Its not a regret as such, I always say I never have regrets, just things I might change and do different if I could go back and change them, and in this example I would certainly change things if I could go back now.
Sometimes, when you least expect it, something from the past comes back, and you have to confront your feelings on it, if not to gain some new prospective, to gain an ending, to finish what was never really finished at the time.
Its hard, and tonight I had that. I got my past. It was subtle but unexpected. I don't expect its the same for others though. No doubt they have no idea how much it has an impact. Where others moved on, I stayed. Sadly. I guess partly out of choice, but also because no other option was shown or proved to exist.
Is this how its always going to be? I do wonder. When I moved to University I almost expected a new start, a new person to come out of the shell I have been in the past, and I did believe it with all my heart. I would be lying if I said I had thrown myself fully into acheiving this, but really I do wonder if change is something that cannot be planned or orchestrated, but rather happens naturally and over time, without consent or warning. I did not expect to be here tonight, thinking about something which should have finished a long time ago, but alas it happens, and such is lifes unpredictability.
Do you know when you want something more than anything, but try as you might, or even think, it never seems to be right or be there? Thats happiness for me. I thought I was, but maybe not. I guess I figured if I try, I will... but I did and I'm not. Fuck.
I didn't need this tonight, not when all night I have felt heavy inside. Weighed down by everything. Tonight was hard enough, and its harder now. I guess the only Logical conclusion tO a night such as tonight is to sleep, and dream, and wake and think, and hope that these feelings Vanish with a new day, a sunrise, a new bEginning.
Its funny how this blog was always going to be another one of my typical self analytical places to write and communicate even though I wanted more than anything for it not to be, because when I choose the title for it, I knew the path in my heart but not in mind. It was so obvious, but I never saw it. I guess what I'm trying to say is...
I speak aloud and travel inside myself searching.
Do you know what's hard? Knowing there was a time you were blissfully happy but knowing at the time you didn't see things for what they were.
There are a few things I can look back on and see in this way, one more than any. When you are going through a hard time, even the good things can sometimes be bad, or you just don't make the most of them. Looking back, I do wonder, if I had seen and known that at the time it was something so worthwhile, I might have put more effort into it. I guess I will never know, and I will never know how it might have gone, or been, or finished.
Its not a regret as such, I always say I never have regrets, just things I might change and do different if I could go back and change them, and in this example I would certainly change things if I could go back now.
Sometimes, when you least expect it, something from the past comes back, and you have to confront your feelings on it, if not to gain some new prospective, to gain an ending, to finish what was never really finished at the time.
Its hard, and tonight I had that. I got my past. It was subtle but unexpected. I don't expect its the same for others though. No doubt they have no idea how much it has an impact. Where others moved on, I stayed. Sadly. I guess partly out of choice, but also because no other option was shown or proved to exist.
Is this how its always going to be? I do wonder. When I moved to University I almost expected a new start, a new person to come out of the shell I have been in the past, and I did believe it with all my heart. I would be lying if I said I had thrown myself fully into acheiving this, but really I do wonder if change is something that cannot be planned or orchestrated, but rather happens naturally and over time, without consent or warning. I did not expect to be here tonight, thinking about something which should have finished a long time ago, but alas it happens, and such is lifes unpredictability.
Do you know when you want something more than anything, but try as you might, or even think, it never seems to be right or be there? Thats happiness for me. I thought I was, but maybe not. I guess I figured if I try, I will... but I did and I'm not. Fuck.
I didn't need this tonight, not when all night I have felt heavy inside. Weighed down by everything. Tonight was hard enough, and its harder now. I guess the only Logical conclusion tO a night such as tonight is to sleep, and dream, and wake and think, and hope that these feelings Vanish with a new day, a sunrise, a new bEginning.
Its funny how this blog was always going to be another one of my typical self analytical places to write and communicate even though I wanted more than anything for it not to be, because when I choose the title for it, I knew the path in my heart but not in mind. It was so obvious, but I never saw it. I guess what I'm trying to say is...
I speak aloud and travel inside myself searching.
I want to be loved
I am no heir, no proud ancestor,
I have no friend, no brother, sister,
I have never belonged,
I have never belonged.
I am, like every human:
Highness, Iceberg, enigma, strange and timeless,
Distant will-o'-the-wisp,
Distant will-o'-the-wisp.
But, oh, I can't remain unspoken,
I have to bare myself wide open,
Behold me, everyone,
Behold me, everyone.
In all self-torture, in every song,
I want to be loved, to belong.
Belong to somebody,
Belong to somebody.
Ady, Endre
I have no friend, no brother, sister,
I have never belonged,
I have never belonged.
I am, like every human:
Highness, Iceberg, enigma, strange and timeless,
Distant will-o'-the-wisp,
Distant will-o'-the-wisp.
But, oh, I can't remain unspoken,
I have to bare myself wide open,
Behold me, everyone,
Behold me, everyone.
In all self-torture, in every song,
I want to be loved, to belong.
Belong to somebody,
Belong to somebody.
Ady, Endre
October 12, 2009
The Science Of Sleep (or lack of)
So, I didn't sleep. Its the normal state of play that happens when all I want to do is turn myself off and all the mind wants to do is turn itself on. I wouldn't have minded but today will be a busy day, and I shall be tired and probably moody, or over-active as is also normally the state of play when I'm tired. I call it 'sleep stoned'. A fitting name I think.
The problem is I have so much whizzing through my head at great speeds that I can't turn it off. It's like an explosion in my mind, just things hurtling through it, all crashing into multi-coloured sparks. I close my eyes but there are images there, crystal clear and seemingly real.
I wish I could remember what it was like to have a real sleeping pattern. Up at a certain time and down another, day after day for weeks on end. Try all I can I have failed time and time again, and every time I give in that little bit more. I think the last time I had a pattern was when I was around 9 years old, not out of fault of trying, my mum tried, but I couldn't sleep at a normal time.
I guess I would be fine sleeping if I could sleep in the day. I always have no problem sleeping through the day, being awake at night. No idea why, it just feels... happens... is.
And so its almost 06:40am and sleep is not on the agenda now as soon enough I shall be on my way to University. I see this as a regular thing, it was the same with school, and college... why would it stop now?
The problem is I have so much whizzing through my head at great speeds that I can't turn it off. It's like an explosion in my mind, just things hurtling through it, all crashing into multi-coloured sparks. I close my eyes but there are images there, crystal clear and seemingly real.
I wish I could remember what it was like to have a real sleeping pattern. Up at a certain time and down another, day after day for weeks on end. Try all I can I have failed time and time again, and every time I give in that little bit more. I think the last time I had a pattern was when I was around 9 years old, not out of fault of trying, my mum tried, but I couldn't sleep at a normal time.
I guess I would be fine sleeping if I could sleep in the day. I always have no problem sleeping through the day, being awake at night. No idea why, it just feels... happens... is.
And so its almost 06:40am and sleep is not on the agenda now as soon enough I shall be on my way to University. I see this as a regular thing, it was the same with school, and college... why would it stop now?
October 11, 2009
What to call something that deserves no name?
I've been having a bit of a low day today. No reason, just low. I've been over-thinking, over-analysing and feeling run down. Again, no reason, I emphasise this. Of course when I say no reason there is always a reason, just as when people say 'I'm fine' its often the case they are not.
There is little reason, I should say, or self fabricated reason, imagined reason, reason for reasons sake. Few. All of which lead into a boiling pot of doubt. Doubt is the killer in all of this, because when I doubt it makes everything seem unreal, the good and the bad. Doubt is the curiosity that the cat killed, that killed me in the past, doubt is the devil in disguise in all of this.
The devil on my shoulder that whispers sweet nothings that are somethings when listened to, but otherwise nothing. Falling empty into the earths core, the brain, a thing of mystery. Untold.
Strange mood, strange light, street light. Yes, I think I understand that the only thing you can ever understand is that nothing is ever certain, I think. Do I know this? No. I think. Sinking however into the abyss is a shit stirring mental state that never ceases to leave alone, not never, ever. However this my friend is the thing I mean, when times are good they are good, but the bad is still there, always, just hidden behind the facade of a laugh.
When the fire burns up and dies, the ashes remain, the proof that the fire existed. The same with scars and emotions, emotional scars. The cause dissapears but leaves its print. A stamp.
Fini. The End. Done.
There is little reason, I should say, or self fabricated reason, imagined reason, reason for reasons sake. Few. All of which lead into a boiling pot of doubt. Doubt is the killer in all of this, because when I doubt it makes everything seem unreal, the good and the bad. Doubt is the curiosity that the cat killed, that killed me in the past, doubt is the devil in disguise in all of this.
The devil on my shoulder that whispers sweet nothings that are somethings when listened to, but otherwise nothing. Falling empty into the earths core, the brain, a thing of mystery. Untold.
Strange mood, strange light, street light. Yes, I think I understand that the only thing you can ever understand is that nothing is ever certain, I think. Do I know this? No. I think. Sinking however into the abyss is a shit stirring mental state that never ceases to leave alone, not never, ever. However this my friend is the thing I mean, when times are good they are good, but the bad is still there, always, just hidden behind the facade of a laugh.
When the fire burns up and dies, the ashes remain, the proof that the fire existed. The same with scars and emotions, emotional scars. The cause dissapears but leaves its print. A stamp.
Fini. The End. Done.
Up, Up, and Away
Soundtrack: All The Big Trees - Riceboy Sleeps
For the first time, or rather the first time in a while since getting to University, I am missing my family and home. I have no idea why today of all days I am missing them, but it started a little last night and seemingly for no reason. I was just sat in the local pub having a few pints after shopping and the cinema, and it hit me, and I can't shake it today.
Its like we are worlds apart, not physically but in the heart and mind. I don't see them, obviously, I only hear little bits of news and the odd phone call, and I feel like i'm missing it all, or rather missing being there for the simple things. I feel more like a stranger everytime contact happens. I guess its natural to feel like this, for some anyway.
In other news, I went to see UP yesterday which was fantastic. Must admit I shed a slight tear too. Its fantastic and I cannot recommend it enough to people! I saw it in 3D too, which was strange because I think Pixar really know how to use it not as a gimmick, but as something that simply makes the experience more real. I am yet to see a live action 3D but I do wonder how it would differ from the animation side of things, which is all I have seen so far.
Anyway, onwards and upwards ;)
x
For the first time, or rather the first time in a while since getting to University, I am missing my family and home. I have no idea why today of all days I am missing them, but it started a little last night and seemingly for no reason. I was just sat in the local pub having a few pints after shopping and the cinema, and it hit me, and I can't shake it today.
Its like we are worlds apart, not physically but in the heart and mind. I don't see them, obviously, I only hear little bits of news and the odd phone call, and I feel like i'm missing it all, or rather missing being there for the simple things. I feel more like a stranger everytime contact happens. I guess its natural to feel like this, for some anyway.
In other news, I went to see UP yesterday which was fantastic. Must admit I shed a slight tear too. Its fantastic and I cannot recommend it enough to people! I saw it in 3D too, which was strange because I think Pixar really know how to use it not as a gimmick, but as something that simply makes the experience more real. I am yet to see a live action 3D but I do wonder how it would differ from the animation side of things, which is all I have seen so far.
Anyway, onwards and upwards ;)
x
October 7, 2009
To work at last...
I started my first proper assignment yesterday. Basically we have to write a 5 page script, in three drafts, and the script must include a set of variables such as how many characters must be in it, the age of the main character, the title of the screenplay, genre and time it is set in.
Its great to finally get something to work on as so far in my three weeks at university I have done very little but introductions and inductions, which although needed are rather dull and not what I came to do. This assignment both excites me and kind of makes me feel a little uneasy, if only because I will be writing in a very closed form. The variables set a boundary that I cannot cross, and although they are not all that limiting they are not exactly within what I normally like to write, which is more realist or experimental.
However, after researching last night I found some amazing things which I could incorporate into my storyline, which I can really go to town on so to speak. The problem again is cutting the whole thing down into a 5 page script, which translates on screen to about 5 mins. This is a hurdle I have to overcome as I find my problem, as on here, is that I write far too much when often a few sentences can cover the same thing. Condemn a guy for doing too much, haha.
So yes, I finally have work, and it feels good. Oh, one more slight issue, there is too much time to do this task in. There is about a month to get this done in, which is far too much time really, but it is the first year and I suppose I shouldn't moan too much, I am loving it though, very much so.
'With a song in our hearts we play endlessly'
Its great to finally get something to work on as so far in my three weeks at university I have done very little but introductions and inductions, which although needed are rather dull and not what I came to do. This assignment both excites me and kind of makes me feel a little uneasy, if only because I will be writing in a very closed form. The variables set a boundary that I cannot cross, and although they are not all that limiting they are not exactly within what I normally like to write, which is more realist or experimental.
However, after researching last night I found some amazing things which I could incorporate into my storyline, which I can really go to town on so to speak. The problem again is cutting the whole thing down into a 5 page script, which translates on screen to about 5 mins. This is a hurdle I have to overcome as I find my problem, as on here, is that I write far too much when often a few sentences can cover the same thing. Condemn a guy for doing too much, haha.
So yes, I finally have work, and it feels good. Oh, one more slight issue, there is too much time to do this task in. There is about a month to get this done in, which is far too much time really, but it is the first year and I suppose I shouldn't moan too much, I am loving it though, very much so.
'With a song in our hearts we play endlessly'
October 6, 2009
I've dreamt about the sun many times before...
Happiness is a word I have used before, but i'm being genuine when I say things seem to be going well at the moment. I've felt happy before but not in recent history, not like I am now.
I have no idea why, but it feels wrong in a way to be enjoying life, it doesn't feel natural to me, it doesn't come naturally. I'm used to feeling down, and although I have had my moments of fear and hatred, sadness and lonliness in my time at Uni so far, it's all going well. Is it wrong to state that I wonder how long this can last?
This leads me to think sometimes that sadness is a state of mind. You make yourself fear something and that fear will drive you mad, you believe in sadness and you create your own. I've been guilty, many times, but is this happiness just me creating happiness or genuine? I have no idea. I'm a wreck really I could suppose.
In times where good things are needed, you often create your own, but I have good things. I'm in a situation where I'm not worrying about money for the first time in my life, where there are people and friendships that i'm not questioning. There are elements I miss, regrets on how I have taken to people so far, the way I have reacted to events and situations... all of these have been and gone, done. I cannot dwell on them because to move onwards I must forget, and hope to be forgiven.
I apologise for making little sense, if sense is anything at all. I have had little sleep once again and with little sleep comes too much time to think, and thinking leads to questioning and questioning to doubt. Doubt is the killer queen in all this, in everything. Doubt in myself, the system, people, life. All.
Moving forwards means to look back and learn upon your mistakes, and I'm still trying. Last night I had a conversation where I explained that it felt weird to feel genuinly liked, no strings or wanting to change, and for the first time I realised that all along, maybe it wasn't just myself to blame, but the people who were not willing to accept me as I was.
On with the show.
I have no idea why, but it feels wrong in a way to be enjoying life, it doesn't feel natural to me, it doesn't come naturally. I'm used to feeling down, and although I have had my moments of fear and hatred, sadness and lonliness in my time at Uni so far, it's all going well. Is it wrong to state that I wonder how long this can last?
This leads me to think sometimes that sadness is a state of mind. You make yourself fear something and that fear will drive you mad, you believe in sadness and you create your own. I've been guilty, many times, but is this happiness just me creating happiness or genuine? I have no idea. I'm a wreck really I could suppose.
In times where good things are needed, you often create your own, but I have good things. I'm in a situation where I'm not worrying about money for the first time in my life, where there are people and friendships that i'm not questioning. There are elements I miss, regrets on how I have taken to people so far, the way I have reacted to events and situations... all of these have been and gone, done. I cannot dwell on them because to move onwards I must forget, and hope to be forgiven.
I apologise for making little sense, if sense is anything at all. I have had little sleep once again and with little sleep comes too much time to think, and thinking leads to questioning and questioning to doubt. Doubt is the killer queen in all this, in everything. Doubt in myself, the system, people, life. All.
Moving forwards means to look back and learn upon your mistakes, and I'm still trying. Last night I had a conversation where I explained that it felt weird to feel genuinly liked, no strings or wanting to change, and for the first time I realised that all along, maybe it wasn't just myself to blame, but the people who were not willing to accept me as I was.
On with the show.
October 2, 2009
The Tribe Returns!
THE TRIBE
RETURNS TO FIVE
THIS SUNDAY!
11:25AM
Yes dear friend, The Tribe, one of my favourite TV shows of ALL time is back on our TV screens THIS Sunday at 11:25am on channel Five.
I don't normally plug TV shows, or anything for that matter, but this to me is a momentus occasion. Why? Well, because The Tribe was my childhood, or rather one of the big things I remember and still love from my childhood, and although this might not seem like a good reason to watch it, you should.
The Tribe is one of those programs that I feel should live on forever, the dream must stay alive, simply because although there are faults, its amazing. Yes the actors are somewhat wooden, the accents seem strange at first (and sometimes throughout) and it isn't the best technical program ever made, but the pro's far outweight the con's. The characters are fantastic, 3-dimensional and mostly realistic, the storylines are gritty, the concept is every childs dream (or mine at least and people who I know have watched it would agree). It is just... The Tribe.
I have heard mixed reactions about the programs. Its one of those programs you love or hate. I love it. Everything about it, even the makeup on Selene that makes her look like she has a monobrow and Bluebells horrid over-dubbed moo's, but those aside (and possibly Trudy's constant whining and pining for Bray) it is amazing, and its back!
I'm happy, i'm very happy, and if you ever watched it and liked it you should be too, and if you never watched it, watch it and try and like it, and then we can talk about it and be geeky fans.
So yeah, i'll shut up now. Plug over, almost...
Five, THIS SUNDAY (the 4th of October), 11:35am
THE TRIBE!
He Got His Passion for His Passion Back
It's rather a strange thing to feel creative again. For the last few months after leaving college and having nothing to do (literally) I have kind of put my mind at rest, and suddenly being back in a learning environment, surrounded by people (or some rather) who are passionate about film, its bringing out the best in me again.
I can genuinly say I feel happy for the first time in a long time. Sure, life's not exactly a bunch of roses and everything isn't going perfectly, but it's not bad, not really. I think I'm always at my happiest when I'm doing things creatively, whether it be artwork, thinking of concepts and ideas for films or creating music, these are the things which make me happy. Its good to be able to think properly again, in a creative way. These last few days my mind has been brimming with ideas for screenplays and concepts, I've been slowly building back those bricks that build the mind I feel I should never lose.
I start lessons properly next week, and all being well things will go well and I can keep this fire burning while it is hot. I suspect when the time comes to be stuck into groups for our first projects, I will no doubt end up with some characters that do nothing, the type that really don't care and just go along for the ride, and this is an obstacle I have to overcome at every hurdle so far... but all being well, and optimistically i'm hoping this won't be the case.
And so it was... He got his passion for his passion back, and life was sweet.
I can genuinly say I feel happy for the first time in a long time. Sure, life's not exactly a bunch of roses and everything isn't going perfectly, but it's not bad, not really. I think I'm always at my happiest when I'm doing things creatively, whether it be artwork, thinking of concepts and ideas for films or creating music, these are the things which make me happy. Its good to be able to think properly again, in a creative way. These last few days my mind has been brimming with ideas for screenplays and concepts, I've been slowly building back those bricks that build the mind I feel I should never lose.
I start lessons properly next week, and all being well things will go well and I can keep this fire burning while it is hot. I suspect when the time comes to be stuck into groups for our first projects, I will no doubt end up with some characters that do nothing, the type that really don't care and just go along for the ride, and this is an obstacle I have to overcome at every hurdle so far... but all being well, and optimistically i'm hoping this won't be the case.
And so it was... He got his passion for his passion back, and life was sweet.
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