Saddest story never told

Saddest story never told

I’m really missing my childhood today, or rather, I miss the feeling of being a child. I miss it often, but when I think about it more it’s sad that I can only ever get furthur away from it, and never closer.

Each day I will grow older, each year new things will happen and my innocence will be lost even more, until I am simply another generic adult who forgets the wonderful magic that only comes with being young.

This is a picture I drew a while back... and for some reason it seemed like a good picture to upload with this post.

I will always carry on my imagination, no matter what… into every single day and second of my life, but it’s changing more and more, and I wonder if it will transform into something so far away from it is and has been, and turn into something I dislike.

I don’t know, it’s like the older I get the more and more desperate I am to hold onto my inner child, that little bit of life from my younger self. It’s like I am staring in the mirror and seeing myself at 9 years old, but slowly the image is fading and all that remains is a ghost, a shadow.

It scares me. Being an adult scares me. I can’t quite describe the feeling, but it’s like a black cloud hanging over me. When I think about it, although there have been some wonderful adults I know/have known, most have simply tried to squash me and mould me into something I am not. They don’t understand me, rarely anyway… and I don’t want to ever become like this.

If you don’t feel the same way, or have never felt this way, you probably won’t understand, or even begin to imagine how this feels. Most people embrace adulthood with open arms… I am having an harder time adapting.

x JH x

The beat that my heart skipped...

It is now officially the 14th of February, also known as Valentines Day.

This is a time when couples truly show their love for each other by buying chocolate, flowers, possibly going for a romantic meal or to the cinema, followed by hot and steamy passionate sex… or so us single people are led to believe by the adverts, movies and pretty much the general population who is lucky enough to have a partner.

As normal, I don’t have a soul to share my heart with, but in fairness it’s been this way for months and so one more day isn’t any more tragic to in my heart. This day will pass, and it will be the same after.

In fairness, I don’t put enough effort into meeting someone who can be anything more than a friend, and I even suck at that quite a bit, so it’s probably my own fault. I don’t quite know what I expect… a romantic meeting and instant love that will battle the forces of darkness like the Disney movies have me believe or possibly something more classical like Romeo and Juliet (without the Juliet of course) where our love is so strong we are willing to die for it.

In reality, none look likely, and not any time in the near future either. I am a single pringle in a cardboard tube, and it looks like the lid is staying on a while longer.

No hard feelings though… literally.



I’m only 19, I have a life ahead of me (unless I die in my sleep tonight of a broken heart). No, but really… I guess I’m past caring and this feeling sorry myself is simply a fart in the wind… it will pass pretty quickly.

On the bright side, I get to save money and can say I didn’t fall for the barrage of marketing which this day throws at people for weeks on end… not through choice I admit, but still, Tesco won’t be getting no extra cash from me!

I shall now retire to my bed, where I will use it for it’s sole purpose… sleep. I know there are probably millions of horny people getting their rocks off right now, probably many a baby will be conceived (most of which probably will be killed off pretty soon when the beer goggles and passion wear off) but I can honestly, hand on heart, tell you I am so tired right now that even if I had the chance for a bit of a paddle on the saddle, the batteries would probably need changing/charging first.

Speaking of which… Infact… no…

Night all. Have a good day either side of the spectrum.

x JH

Un-Oblivion? Anti-Oblivion? Fuck it...

Before I go any furthur... Thank you for those who commented on my last blog. I only just saw them and have this moderation thing on which means I have to check them before they go up, so thank you and sorry for the delay in getting them up! I'll keep checking in future.

On Monday I began shooting a music video for 'Oblivion' by Patrick Wolf. This isn't an official thing (which I may have stated previous somewhere on the internet) but a project, though I got permission to use it.

It's been loads of fun! I've had my directors head on and hopefully have not pissed people off too much, though everyone seems to be enjoying it. So, the Monday was day one of a two day shoot. In a last moment state of panic about a location on the day, me and the cameraman went in search of a new place. Basically, we wanted a forest, but the one we had initially planned to used wasn't really... foresty... so after an hour or so looking, we found a nice little dense population of trees.

Thus began the running.

The basic idea I came up with concept wise is the guy trying to run from his demons, his depression, as well as having an under-lying concept of a spiritual battle and a questioning of beliefs. The guy starts off fearless, loses the will and turns his gun on himself, but is saved by a voice of hope, a guardian angel, who spurs him on to carry on after coming so far.

The shoot involved lots of running, crawling through mud and lots of screaming... on the actors part. I was of course, stood in 2 jackets and a coat, while he was freezing his bollocks off in a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. It's a tough life.

So day one went well despite changing light and weather conditions, but everything that was on my shot list had a tick next to it.

Day two and it's all interior scenes. No mud. No cold. No wind. Constant coffee. Indeed.

Didn't last long at all, but what we got was pretty good.

Yesterday me and the editor started editing, and it seems we have too much footage, and none of it is really bad. I'm quite surprised how well this shoot has been because although I knew what was needed, I did worry that it wouldn't be anywhere close to what I imagined and wanted it to be, and it's turning out to be quite close (aside from a few things that we probably wouldn't be able to do without a big budget, but I can dream).

So yeah. Day two begins today... and I have a feeling a full rough cut will be done, leaving Friday to clean up the shots, color correct everything and add some effects and stuff.

Phew. That was longer than expected.

Now to go get more coffee and begin making myself look somewhat more beautiful than the ugly mess I am now, which is a hard task and rarely pays off, but its the thought that counts.

Avenue Elliot Nazi Girl Things... or the collective tale of my days internet adventure.

I've been absent from Uni a few days due to feeling quite a lot under the weather. Part illness, part run down, part just feeling a little down-hearted. This morning I found myself browsing the Internet looking for some good things to watch to occupy myself between work and general rest...

The weird thing with the internet is that it's like a chain reaction. You search for something of interest, find something in some way related to that something of interest and thus a chain reaction begins until you force yourself to break it. This is the case with me anyway.

I started off looking on YouTube at some musicals. A random and camp thing I know, but what can cheer the soul more than a musical number with a bit of dancing and general OTT-ness which musicals so greatly perfect?

After a while I had watched songs from many films which fall under the 'musical' genre. I then moved on to stage musicals (mainly Avenue Q and Billy Elliot). While watching the Avenue Q ditty about racism (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BbQiSVeQwVQ&feature=related) cleverly titled 'Everyone's a little bit racist', I suddenly remembered a documentary I saw on Channel 4 a while back about the BNP. This was of course triggered by the word 'racist'... see the chain reaction there?

I found the documentary I was looking for, cleverly titled 'Young, Nazi and Proud', which you can, if you so wish, view here http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-7842826632184074561#. I find it really interesting, it's certainly worth a watch.

I then went on to watch a documentary on the BBC iPlayer about the transition from board games to computer games. There is no link as such from the last doc to this one, apart from the fact I then felt I wanted to watch some docs and so hunted on the BBC for some. The doc dragged a bit and I turned it off after around 20 Min's and went onto 4OD instead, where I found two pretty decent documentaries about family.

The first was the cleverly titled '8 boys and wanting a girl' which was pretty much what was said on the tin. It followed a few families and parents who had only had boys and who were desperate for a girl. It showed some of the things they do to try and get a girl, from herbal supplements to modern scientific techniques, but most of all it really showed a desperation in some people for an ideology that they have dreamed of for so long. It was quite heart-breaking in places, emotional. I cried.

Before I go any further, let me explain that I cry at everything. I would probably cry if Tigger got lost in the woods, y'know?

Anyway... One family out of the three that were followed ended up with a girl. One of them got pregnant again with boy number 5, and the other ended up not pregnant at all.

The last one I watched was called 'Wild Things' which was about a group of 1970's idealistic adults who all chose to raise their children in a collective environment, without any set parents or even a set name. These children were born in a household where they would have a number of parents, brothers and sisters and family, who were not exactly related. The documentary caught up with them to see if this ideology had stuck and carried on.

It became clear many just went on to lead normal lives, but none resented the upbringing they had. I found it really interesting because I have at times wondered what it would be like, and personally I imagine it to be a pretty amazing environment I would maybe, one day, like to test and see if it works with me. Although hard to explain, I feel cohabitation and a collective environment would possibly be quite an amazing experience, and one which I could easily imagine myself to be a part of...

But anyway. It was interesting.

Other than that I watched an episode of Yo Gabba Gabba and looked at some cover versions of Joni Mitchell songs on YouTube, one of my favourites of which is this one by Diana Krall http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BGrsc5FeQDs. I also did the usual checking of Facebook, answering emails, looking at Twitter, general browsing and then topping it all off with this blog to tell you exactly what I did in a long and boring fashion for no reason other than wanting to share my days worth of internet adventure with you.

I expect nobody has read this, or that if someone did they got past the first paragraph or first few sentences then gave up... but either way, it's been an interesting day and I will now go and watch a documentary called 'Ashes to Diamonds' which explores what people do with their loved ones after they die. I imagine it will simply be an emotional doc which focuses on people not wanting to part with someone who means a lot to them and the amazing and wacky ways that people will attempt to overcome this, probably ending on the ashes of the dead being turned into a diamond ring as the title suggests.

I shall enjoy it.

A blog about not having nothing to blog about

This is basically a blog about having nothing of worth to blog about (which is not to say my normal blogs are blog-worthy but I normally have something to say).

So far this year I have written 5 blogs. 5. That's not a lot considering from September to December of last year I wrote a total of 41 blogs, though in fairness in the November and December of last year I wrote only 5 blogs in each of those months.

The strange thing is, although I have lots to say, I have not felt the need to say it on here. I feel in a way I am editing myself and not spelling out exactly how I feel, which is a sad state of affairs if I am honest as this is one of the places I like to be honest with myself and with whoever choses to read.

The last few nights while I have been ill I have on many occasions come to this blog to post, seen the empty box before me and closed it shortly after staring at the screen and searching my mind. I have hit a brick wall, a non-writers writers block.

And so, I will leave you with this wonderful video which is a live performance from one of my favourite artists singing one of my all time favourite songs. This will sum up in lyrics and music how I feel, without me having to go to the hassle of explaining...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tKQSlH-LLTQ

Click the link above for the wonderful Joni Mitchell singing Both Sides Now. For those who love a certain film about love (actually) you may recognise the song even if you have never heard of her before.

Until next time, which will hopefully be a time when I have something to actually say rather than write about having nothing to write and making a rather long post about such a thing... Au Revoir.

x

Haiti

I often forget that there are many people in much worse off situations than myself. The unimaginable disaster in Haiti, a place I never even knew existed, has confirmed and reminded me that my worries are little in comparison to what many people have or are facing in the world around me.

It's shocking when you see news footage of what is happening at this very moment in time in another country. People without homes, family members missing, thousands dead... It's a tough thing to grasp, to imagine. The thing with seeing these things on the television or seeing pictures in a newspaper is that you can turn it off or stop reading, you can close the paper or change the channel and you are back in your own little world... but the people living it can't do that. It seems obvious, but it's something I think we take for granted or some, even many, don't realise.

A hard thing is understanding this is all real. When I see these things on the news it takes me a while to fully realise this is not a Hollywood movie, that the wreckage isn't a man made set, that it's not all special effects and the people dead are only extras and the living are the main cast. Of course, I know it is all real, and this is no film, but i'm guilty of almost being de-sensitised to these images now.

This isn't to say I am not heartbroken or shocked... because I am, truly, but it raises questions (to me at least) about what I digest. I need to start opening my eyes more and taking in what is happening, and although I keep fairly up to date with world affairs and news, I have at times taken a back seat, turned it off and been guilty of ignorance.

It's been nice seeing the effort people have taken to give money to aid and charity to help, really nice. I lose faith often in humanity... all the pain we cause each other, the wars we have with the people we love, the wars with others outside our own circle, the ignorance of many... but from what I have seen, and I have seen a lot on this subject, it really feels like something is happening.

I have seen people raising awareness on Twitter, posting links to charitys and places where the money will be best spent and used, people actually caring... and it's times like this when I see that we can pull together and fight for a better cause, change things. In our current economic climate, where money is for many tight, where people have lost jobs and can barely afford to feed their children... it's nice to think they can also spare some money and help those who are in even less fortunate situations.

I don't know, it's just refreshing.

I'm not sure where I am going with this, but I really hope the money people are giving and the aid which is sent will be received and used correctly in Haiti... I hope it will save lives and help them build up what has been lost, and although the scar will be there for a long time I hope eventually it will heal.

x

A Spark

At the time of writing this the clock has just turned 04:30am. It's rather normal of me to be up at this time thinking because rarely is company in the form of friendship available at such an hour, infact it is rarely available at all for me.

However, all this time I spend alone and doing very little other than thinking means I can often think too much.

Tonights musings have once again turned to the career I plan on having, being a film-maker. When I set off on this quest many years ago I started out alone, making small and rather terrible but imaginative films on an old camcorder which was the size of a brick. I have talked about this before I think, but thinking about it I feel I have somewhat lost this sense of adventure within my output.

You see, before choosing film as an edcuational career, as in, to study film, I actually had a passion to do it in my spare time, infact I was constantly thinking up ideas and filming random things which took my interest. You could say I was learning by doing, but doing on my own merit and without interference, all of my own accord and at my own pace.

Thinking about it, I wonder now if choosing to study in an area I would ideally like to spend the rest of my life in was such a good idea, because that approach I had and the way I thought then has sort of been lost along the way. Do not get me wrong, learning in an educational environment has done what it said on the tin and taught me things which I might not otherwise have learned such as the history and the business side to the film industry as well as working with others, and I have only just set off on another level of education which I am sure will teach me more valuable aspects, but on the whole I almost feel like that passion and bright light I had inside of me which propelled my heart and soul into teaching myself and spending all possible moments learning as much as I could have... has burnt out.

I wonder, If I could go back in time and change my course of action knowing what I know now, if I would go down the same route. I wonder what might have happened if I carried on teaching myself, learning at my own pace and creating projects on my own accord... where I might be, or rather what I could be doing at this moment in time.

I do love the course I am on, I wake on a morning and look forward to being in the lecture room, unlike the mornings when I would wake knowing I had sports or maths, because its something I love to do, but as much as this is the case there are aspects to an educational setting which can never really fully satisfy me, which is probably either a state of rebellion or simply a state of tediousness that comes from being in education for so long.

However, I have possibly figured that although I am at a state where my mental ability to think up ideas and to create projects has dried up somewhat from what it once was, only I can change the course of this and do something about it.

So I figure the plan of action is to, as much as possible, try to get back what I might have lost and get back into a stride. Get my creative juices flowing once more and plan for the future, be that the immediate or the distant.

I have tonight, for the first time since stepping foot into a classroom to study film around 3 years ago, decided to do something I forgot I wanted to do. I won't go furthur into what this is but I will set the wheels in motion and begin to plan a course of action which could potentially change things from the track they are on at the moment.

This also though means that I need to spend less time thinking and more time doing, researching, laying the bricks to build the wall. I will not learn by being taught, but learn by doing and in my own time, and hopefully something could come of it, even if its simply learning a lesson.

I will re-assess certain things which I am currently doing in the near future, and if I decide it is not for me, then so be it.

I only have one life and I need as few regrets as possible.

One thing I have noticed is that I have become lazy with the dream I had. I no longer wish to spend as much time as I can learning as much as I can, because as much as I would like to it has become a chore, something which I now HAVE to do rather than WANT to do. It's quite to think like that really.

I simply hope I stick to what I want this time, because many a time I have had a similar feeling and either fell flat on my face or gone back into a state similar to what I am in now through knocks which blow my already small confidence in myself and ability into the ground. As always, the future is uncertain, but I hope this thought tonight has set off a spark... it certainly feel likes it.

In honesty...

I hate banks... I really do.

Don't get me wrong, without them I wouldn't be receiving an education right now. I would probably be stuck either in a dead end job or no job at all (which is the most probable option considering the current conomic climate), but regardless of this, the banks seem to get away with things people in general wouldn't... like stealing money from someone who can barely afford to eat, stealing the very little money which on a good week only just pays for rent and bills without even taking into consideration other aspects which some people find themselves in.

I've been keeping track of banks and the whole 'payback' from consumers where bank charges can be paid back, and at the moment, though this whole thing is on hold there is a possible chance that bank charges can be paid back for hardship, which I would say applies in this case.

Either way, I do not simply understand how banks can do the things they do, while the people who lash out these 'consequences' get overpaid and often get huge bonuses. If I were working for a corrupt system, would I really want a bonus when I know people are worrying about living day to day? I don't think I would.

I hope the people who work in the head offices, or those in charge of banks actually realise the utterly terrible situation they leave some people in. I hope they cannot sleep at night knowing they leave people who make simple mistakes worry about how they can keep a roof over their heads... though I doubt somehow they would considering they will be sleeping on their big fat wages.

Don't get me wrong, some people are irresponsible and borrow money when they know they cannot afford to, and in return this borrowing means they end up in huge amounts of debt, but for a simple mistake that got out of hand it repulses me when banks do what they do.

I don't want to go into too much detail, but it's safe to say they have left things up shit creek without a paddle. Thanks banks... for fuck all.

In other news, I go back to university on Friday (if I can get there with this weather), and I have to say I really don't want to go now. I almost feel a sense of dread, not at the educational side as I mentioned in the previous blog, but because of everything else. I have no idea how I even feel at the moment considering Uni, what to do even. I feel like if I had the option I wouldn't go back, but what would really be the point in that? Would it help me in the long run? I don't think so.

It's strange how many decisions you need to make when you get over a certain age. Ones that not only effect the immediate future but the long term. I find it difficult, very difficult. The worst thing is not really feeling like you have anyone who you can confide in, or explain these issues and worries to. I feel like I need someone here at the moment to give me advice, tell me either to go with my heart or my mind, or give me some sense of what I must do in order to acheive something and reach an ultimate goal.

I guess it all falls on me though.

I don't know though, I really don't. I think at the moment I am just in a confused state of mind that is all over the place. Like I said with the last blog, I probably will go back, and try as hard as I can to make something of it, change it and make it the best it can be...

Fuck. When did things get so hard? I know this isn't much in comparison to other peoples issues and worries, but all these small things really weigh on my mind and add up to one big thing... and I find it hard coping.

Does it ever get easier? I suspect not.

A public letter to Vodafone

Dear Vodafone,

A while ago I took out a contract for your Mobile Broadband. You see, I didn't have the internet and this new technology which meant I could plug and play and be connected to this wonderful world really made sense to me. I was taken in by the promise of broadband speeds, the best mobile broadband on the market and all for £18 a month. It sounded a winner.

Upon getting the dongle (which may I say is a stupid name for this device) I realised it was going slower than I expected. It took forever to load a page, I couldn't send pictures in emails because it wouldn't cope and would just turn off, God forbid I wanted to download a song or watch a video... But I thought I would give it a chance and see if it got better. It didn't.

I tried to return the device, claiming that you had ripped me off and sold me this item under false promises, but I couldn't because I had gone over the time period in which I could return it and get the contract cut, so you told me that I either keep it or pay off the rest of the contract.

This of course led to me keeping it. I certainly wasn't going to pay for this shit and not actually have it. So I have endured with it. Painfully endured. Its cost me a lot for something which shouldn't even be given away free, it's that terrible and painfully bad.

A few months ago enough was enough, so I got in touch and said I would not have it any longer. After a painfully long battle of words, although I couldn't kill the contract completally you did agree to cut it by six months, which was nice, but still... here I am with the shitty little 'broadband' that is worse than fucking dial up.

So, my contract ends at the end of this month, and you are still trying to con me out of money. You will not tell me what I do now with the dongle, you will not provide me with information. This makes me angry.

So, this is not only a public letter to you fucking idiots at Vodafone who conned me out of alot of money over the past year and half, but also to those who may ever wish to buy one of these disgustingly terrible devices in the future.

Do not waste your time and do not fall for the shiny advertising. This is not broadband by any stretch of the imagination. This is not the best device for this kind of thing on the market. The customer service is poor, the device is poor and this whole ordeal has been poor.

I wish someone would have told me this prior to signing my life and wallet over to Vodafone.

You have been warned.

Oh, and Vodafone, please do not tell you are sorry for me wanting to leave... If you would have kept the promises and given me a service that was as good as I was thinking It would be, I would not be writing this today. You are a glorified version of the knock off perfume seller who sells smelly piss out of a fancy bottle on the local market store.

Thank you for your time, and fuck right off...

John

So long, Lonesome

The night before last I had a pretty immense time with a lovely old school friend of mine. Me and her first met when we were young, very young. We went through primary and secondary school together. We always kept in touch, and although we went our own ways at times we have still remained pretty close in various ways, and we are still alike.

She came and slept at my house. It was a rather random and insane night, but fantastically amazing all the same. Nothing newsworthy happened, but to be able to spend time with someone you greatly love and have childhood memories with is something I personally think is a very special experience.

It was lovely being able to see her again, being able to just talk about the past, the present and the future. Its amazing how we both seem to be going through very similar experiences of Uni also, I almost like, if we would have gone to the same one we would have had this connection and accomplice who would have just made things go by easier. But alas...

New Years came and went without much fuss. I spent it with another childhood friend, just the two of us having a gentle drink and singing loudly, followed by pizza and a midnight walk in the coldness. Nothing newsworthy, but lovely all the same.

I think after being away from home for so long, and coming back, its made me realise I had it so lucky for so long. When I was a young teenager I couldn't wait to get away. I hated this place, this life, the people and the familiar things which I saw on an almost daily basis. I always say I don't have regrets, but I do regret not just enjoying the time I had here and for not appreciating it enough.

In just under two weeks I will be back at Uni, and although many I know are excited about being back, I can't say I really feel the same. I realised when I was talking to my good friend at 3am the other night, it's not something I now want to do, but something I feel I should do. It fills me with a dread almost to think I will be away from here again, but at the same time I can't leave that world because it's what I have wanted for so long.

There are people with expectations of me, low ones, and I want to prove I can do this and survive... but more than anything I want to prove it to myself.

If I didn't love the course as much as I do, and appreciate and enjoy the course I don't know if I would go back. It's not to say I don't have friends, because I do and some are lovely and amazing people, but overall the lifestyle side of university, which to be fair is most of the experience, hasn't been something I can say I have enjoyed.

So, this is not a resolution as such, but more of a personal thing I would like to achieve... I want to enjoy it, or try to. I want to mingle with people more, spend time with the people I like up there, put my heart and soul as always into friendships and try and get the same in return. I want to do well on the course, come out of it with something I can be proud of, look back much like I do of school and college and say I did the best I can. More than anything, I want to just be happy and make others happy.

This I guess is what I wanted when I initially went up, and I failed... but I want to see this new term almost as a new start, try again. If in two months time I feel the same as I did a few weeks ago, I will seriously doubt my ability to stay the whole three years, but i'll take it one step at a time and hope for the best.

I hope more than anything I can get something close to a good bond with people, have one or two friends who are like the ones I have spent time with whilst being home, the close ones you feel you can tell anything and always are able to rely on. This I guess is the hope.

x