A moral dilemma

If you were didn't agree with guns you wouldn't want to work in a gun shop would you?

If you didn't agree with animal testing, you would work in a lab that tests on animals would you?

The above statements are just a few examples on decisions we as humans face when we have morals we like to keep up. Now, everyone has different morals... some people think animals are inferior to humans, and so testing on animals is perfectly fine, thus the second of those issues wouldn't bother them greatly, and in the same way, some people, cultures even, think guns are perfectly fine.

I understand both of these viewpoints, and could probably in some way understand any other viewpoint on those subjects, though it doesn't mean I agree myself.

In the same way, I keep coming up with a dilemma that I can't explain to people but which I doesn't morally fit within what I find comfortable.

If a film industry is more focused on profit and shareholders than actually giving film-makers a chance to shine, why would you work in the film industry?

Okay... I've heard every possible answer to this, looked at it from many angles, and to me, morally, I couldn't. I don't know if people just think they can't get by without huge corporations putting money into projects, and I don't know if people just feel they are losing a battle that can never be won, but to me, morally and in my heart, I can't do it, and don't want to.

The thing for me is, at the moment, many films are made because they have a pre-built audience, someone to sell it at and market it towards, something they know can make them money back, and so we see the same old stuff pumped out all the time, sometimes and often, from the same people, with the same people in them...

There are exceptions to this, I will admit, but for the majority of films, money making profit is one of, if not the most important aspects of the business... because that's what it is, a business. The people who run these companies often don't have a passion for films like we do, they have a passion for figures, and if something will give them figures, they will be happy to give the all clear.

Now, imagine for a moment that every film anyone wanted to make was made... there would be some shite, I know, but imagine also all the amazing films we could have seen already had they been given a chance. There are people in this world, people I know even, who have so much talent, but very little way to output it and who never get the chance to show people. Trust me when I tell you I know people who could easily make a film that is out of this world and that people will want to see, but without that chance, without a clearly defined market, it never gets seen/made.

When money becomes involved, it puts me off, because then there is something called compromise... Now, I understand compromise is important in every day life, and important in this industry, but often the intentions behind that compromise is to maximize viewers, and in return, maximize profit.

There is so much I could go into, so many problems and so many things I don't agree with within this industry, but for now I'll leave it at that... all I can say is, I have always wanted to make films, for pretty much my whole life, and I always will, but I don't want art, my art, to be governed by a business that is simply out to make money, and that will actively try to change that art to make more money... and I don't want to play a game where I would feel I would always be losing.

That is something people don't understand... I always get told that I need to play the game, the game of the business, but I don't, and won't. In the end, if I can look back at my life and say I tried my best and did what I believe to be right, that will be the best thing I could ever hope for... If I looked back and saw that I had to bow to industries only interested in money, or that I couldn't create art in a way I wanted, how would I feel? Cheated. I would have cheated myself and been cheated.

We all have different reasons for doing what we do... and for me, it's all about the art, the passion, the way that art is made, the reasons behind making it. If I were to make art in a corrupt system, that art wouldn't be as pure as I would want it to be, and I wouldn't be making something in a way, and for the reasons, that I felt would be right.

Where does this leave me though? I do wonder about that... but one thing I know is that no matter where this road takes me, or this dream I have, I'll always, ALWAYS, in some way, live my life through creativity, imagination and passion, and I will always try and do that in the best way possible to stand with my morals and ideals.

Again, going back to the top of this blog, we all have different morals... this is just one of mine, and I will fight it tooth and claw.

x

Trust me when I tell you...

Last night I had a tough time sleeping... After trying endlessly to sleep, my mind somehow drifted into that state where you think about the past. I know people say you need to forget the past and look forward to the future, but the past is the thing which shapes up into what we are now, which in turn shapes the way the future will pan out... so...

I got to thinking about trust, or the way I often find it hard to trust people fully, which in turn led me to think about the past and events in which my trust for someone was broken.

As a child I had a best friend. I can safely say I trusted this person 100%. We were like brothers, and we did almost everything together for pretty much the whole of our childhoods.

We went through primary school together, started secondary school together... it was one of those friendships you just never imagined ending. Then things started to change.

My friend started becoming friends with people I didn't really like, but who I gave a chance. Basically, the people who I had nothing in common with. Where as they were interested in drinking late at night on street corners, smoking whatever they could find and being 'interested' in girls, I was more interested in trying to do well at school, art, film... things I really loved and still love today.

This isn't to say those people cannot like the things I like, or even change, but generally, I wasn't 'feeling' this new crowd of people.

However, being best friends with this person, and wanting this friendship to last, I went along with it. I was pretty much becoming a person I really dislike, one of the people who I had nothing in common with. I guess I was experimenting with myself, dipping my toe in the metaphorical sea of a new perspective.

I spent night after night on street corners... spent a few nights running from police... experimented with substances that I have not been near since...

I did this all in the name of friendship. but at the time, I didn't realise friendship doesn't consist of simply following a crowd. I was young, naive, stupid in the most simplest of terms.

But anyway, back to the point... trust.

So, we were still really good friends. The strange thing is, I saw two sides to my friend. There was the person he was when he was with these new people, and the person he was when he was alone with me. With them, he would be the 'tough' guy, with me... that vanished.

A year or so went by of this whole thing, and with each day I was getting more and more uncomfortable with his actions, my actions, and the actions of the people around me. It got to the point where I was witnessing people like me being bullied... and I wouldn't, out of choice, do anything about it, but knowing full well what it felt like and that I should.

By this time, a new person has come on the scene. A new best friend, but not for me, for my best friend... he was part related to him, so they shared this 'bond' that I couldn't compete with. The normal routine started happening where slowly but surely, the best friend I knew and trusted would let me down. We would plan to do something, the other guy would show up and suddenly our plans were dropped like a lead balloon.

I put up with this, holding on as much as possible to the friendship we once had.

Then one day, the three of us went for a walk.

Now, I disliked this guy who had barged his way into the middle of our friendship... not because of that, but because of the way he was. He was basically the kid you see who things he is better than everyone, and who has an ego the size of a small planet, and that's not something I find attractive in a friend.

Anyway, so we went for a walk.

To cut a long story short, that day, during that walk, I was beaten up. Literally to the point where I was on the floor having my face kicked in, for no reason I could even begin to think of. If you know me, you will know I'm not a violent person, and this extends to defending myself. I'm not strong, I have very little power over anyone in terms of this sort of thing, so I was just on the floor, crying for him to stop, while all the time, blow after blow, I was being kicked.

The hard part of all this, was that my childhood friend, the guy I trusted 100%... when I looked up, was just stood there. He wasn't the one kicking me, sure... but he was stood there, watching me, not helping, not telling the guy kicking me to stop.

I don't know what hurt more... the fact that I was literally being beaten to the point of blood pouring from my nose, or the fact that my best friend of over ten years was stood watching it happen and choosing to do nothing.

And that was that... trust broken. 100% broken.

From that point on, I did what I always do when trust is broken and stopped talking to him, tried to avoid him, pretty much kept myself to myself and moved on. It's the way I deal with friendships and relationships breaking down, I prefer to just cut off any contact, because if I have contact that last image and the reason for that friendship ending comes back to mind and it hurts me again.

I guess though, this was when I realised that people sometimes change, and not always for the better, and also... from this... I grew stronger. I realised that rather than try to salvage something which is only making things hard, if you realise that it is going bad, end it before it gets worse. It might pessimistic, and I know not everyone is like him, but that seems to be the best option for me.

So, me and this friend literally didn't speak for years... and now we lead different lives. He has a girlfriend who has a baby and he has become the father figure, he seems genuinely happy and honestly, I think he could be a great father figure... protective, loving... everything you need.

And I'm... well, look back through this blog and you will see.

But to the matter at hand, now, I have a hard time dealing with trust. I used to dish out 100% trust to anyone who came into my life, and now I don't. The worst thing is, even if people give me 100% trust, and no reason to think that they will ever do anything bad, I still have that little memory in the back of my mind that triggers this warning, that tells me never to trust anyone fully, which in turn just makes things more difficult.

It's kind of like this black cloud hanging over me all the time, and I just expect it to start raining at any moment... I expect anyone I am with, at any moment, to just break that trust.

Of course, there were other moments in my life that also added to this trust issue, I mean, my own father left me just after my first birthday, so it's not as if I was new to whole 'let down' side of people...

Sorry for the long and rambling blog. I guess a sleepless night and too much time to think just really made me look at things again. I don't expect anyone will have read this, and in honesty, I'm not sure anyone bothers to read these things at all anymore... I don't blame you, they are long and boring and always about myself, in fact, I always hark on about myself all the time, on every site, every blog, in every conversation... I suppose I'm just a bit selfish.

Anyway...

A decision of the death kind...

when I die, I don’t want a funeral, or to be buried. Y’see, once I’m dead, that’s it. My body is useless, and the idea of my family or whoever might care when death comes a knockin’ paying tons of money to stand and stare at my lifeless body in a wooden box just isn’t my idea of money well spent, not to mention, what’s the point?

I’d rather be remembered for what I have been. All the funerals I have been to, that memory of them, seeing the dead bodies of the people I love… I have no comfort in that, and that is the memory that lasts because it was the last time I saw them.

I remember my great Aunty who I loved to bits, and the last time I saw her was in a coffin. I touched her hand, and she was just... cold. and although she looked beautiful in a still kind of way, that's still the lasting memory that will stick with me forever. That and being stood at her grave while the coffin was being lowered, tears streaming down my face.

That's not a celebration of life, in any form, it's just a party for the dead, and not one that can even be enjoyed.

No… I don’t want that. Just stick me in a cardboard box and burn me in a forest, then sprinkle my ashes in the sea. And with the money you save, get pissed and remember me for all the good times. And go watch whatever small films I have made, look at the drawings I have made, read the stories I have told... That is what I want to be my final communiation, my lasting memory, the things I created while I was alive.

That’s if anyone cares by the time the reaper comes and takes me away.

Either way, I hate funerals and I don't understand why anyone would willingly want a lasting memory to be everyone sat looking at them in a wooden casket. I'm sorry, but it makes no sense.

don't bother reading, usual shit.

You don't even have to read this.

It's just the same shit as normal, just a different date.

I just realised, I've not been out the house since last Friday, as in, actually stepping out the front door. Few reasons... one being that I'm still ill, two being that I'm scared and three being that I just generally feel shit altogether.

In terms of number one, I keep getting intense pains in my stomach, head aches, dizziness, the list goes on... I feel like a second hand toy with parts missing, not fully able to operate in any sense. I don't have a doctor, and I don't care to see one... After years of being like this on and off, all I ever get is 'Take these shitty little tablets and life will be better' but it never is, and it never helps in the long run... ever. I swear, it's at the point where I just break into tears because of the pain a number of times during the day, and then I can't sleep during the night. I'm wearing down, fast.

In terms of number two, I'm scared for a number of reasons. First and foremost, what happened last Friday really scared me, and I am seriously worried it might happen again. It's not an irrational fear, because it's based on something I never want to experience again... Reason two is that I genuinely feel scared at the moment of everything, and in here, this room, the only thing that can harm me is myself. If you have never felt this way, I'm sure it will be hard to understand, but the best way I can describe it is like this:

It kind of feels like I'm in a prison where the door is always open, but I can't leave.

So, I've missed a full week at Uni... hardly done anything at all productive for Uni, pretty much fucked everyone over and everything up... and yet, for all of that, I really can't seem to care. It's not that I don't care, I do, a hell of a lot, but when I'm in this mindset I just feel numb, and everything around me suffers, which only makes it worse. Get the picture?

I'm really at the point where I question what the point is with everything. If I'm just going to be a fuck up all the time, or for periods like this, and that's going to happen again and again, then I'll constantly just be this fucking burden on everyone around me, and myself.

Speaking of which, I just feel alone, all the time now. I must say this all the time but... There isn't a constant in my life, nothing is sure and certain and there isn't that constant person to rely on. I know I should learn to live without the help or need of others, but it's difficult. Just someone to have a proper face to face conversation with about anything, someone who understands you, someone you can always rely on and trust with your heart and soul...

I can't even face talking to my family anymore because I just want to cry hearing them on the phone, or seeing the pictures of them on Facebook... anything, any reminder. I can't seem to think about them, because I realise I've neglected them. I just feel like a stranger to them.

I mean, honestly, I feel like this so often... it's very rare I ever feel happy, and then it's just like a blip in the system. It's just all these moments of feeling lost and out of control with temporary moments of happiness just thrown in for good measure.

And it's all a cycle...

I get ill, it takes forever to get better because I've worn my immune system and body down so much, so I feel down, or I'm ill because I'm down, then I miss uni, and then I get behind and don't do what I should, which then makes me stressed or fucks things up for other people, which makes me feel guilty, which makes me feel shit, which makes me ill again...

Add to that tons of other things and it really does drag. I've tried everything, pretty much everything, to solve this crap I've been putting up with for the last 8 years or so, and it never gets easier, ever. I guess I should be a pro by now.

Thing is, nobody even cares enough to ask if I'm fine, and again, I shouldn't need people to ask, but it's just a case of someone noticing. I've been asked once in a week by someone I know if I am okay, and that was only an opening for the infamous 'Can you do me a favour'. I'm going to stop bothering the next time I think someone isn't feeling too good, or when they need an open ear, because when I need it most nobody so much as sends a simple message to see whats happening.

I mean, it's literally at the point where I can't for the life of me just put that brave face on and pretend it's all okay, and I don't want/need people to see me like this, ever.

I'm just a wreck.

And yeah, I talk about myself on here all the time, and I know there are people worse off than me. People dying of cancer, in earthquakes, in wars, famines, poverty, people living with domestic violence, abuse, people being killed as we speak, people with drug addictions, no house, no family at all...

I'm lucky, I am. But it doesn't stop the way I feel. I don't even know why I bother writing all this in blogs, because it never helps, and I keep deleting this blog and bringing it back to life, but nobody probably notices anyway, or bothers to read, and I don't mind, I don't blame you all... anyone.

Fuck it.

Maybe memories...

I'm feeling quite tired and over-emotional at the moment... a big mixture of things big and small are creeping together slowly and it can be overwhelming.

The last few weeks I have been ill on an almost daily basis. Started with stomach cramps, then slowly my back came into the equation and has been constantly aching. Add to that a flu with a terrible cough, headaches which come and go about three times daily and cause immense amounts of pain to the point of feeling sick and crying my eyes out...

Then on top of that I just feel drained, physically and emotionally. Mentally I'm battling a few demons which have struck me once again.

I try not to show all this... the pain I'm in. I still go to Uni every day, act like I always do and put as much energy as possible into projects and work, and then at the end of the day when I get home I just burn out. It's becoming impossible to cope with.

I had a two hour conversation with my sister in law tonight on the phone, and I miss my family so much. A month ago I became an uncle, and I still have not seen my new niece. My grandma isn't feeling too well. My mums uncle, my grandmas brother died, and this will be the second funeral I have missed while I have been back at Uni.

In terms of the funerals, although they are not family members I know all that well, it's a time when you feel the need to be with the rest of the people who are suffering, the ones who I am close to and grew up with, and I feel like I can't be... which tears me up.

Worse than this is the fact that I feel like my feelings are not intense towards this all... Like, I am living in my own little bubble and world and I forget that my family is coping with all this joy and pain back home, and I'm not feeling that. When my niece was born, I felt happy, obviously, but I have never had contact with her and I don't know how she is... I don't have feelings for her which an uncle should, which I feel i should because I am absent from her life.

I miss my mum. I know she goes through things and doesn't tell people, because when I went home at Christmas I saw it for myself, and although people know she finds it hard, they often don't know how to treat the way she is, or rather how to get her to understand herself, which I do. I feel guilty almost for leaving her, and yet I have to live my own life.

When I was at college, and I was seeing someone about some issues I had, I was told that I needed to stop the guilt and remember that I have my own life, and yet here I am, a year on, feeling the same feelings I did then, just with more passion. It's difficult.

The thing is, my mum is the only parent I have, and although she is capable of everything herself, I feel somewhat inclined to be able to look after her the way she has me. She brought me up alone, which takes effort and dedication that I find hard to be rivalled.

She is now living alone, for the first time in her life, and she is struggling... I saw that at Christmas.

I guess I'm living my own life though, and there is reason... I want to be able to not only follow my dream, but be able to provide my mum with a constant stability that she needs, because all her life she has struggled. She deserves more.

So... where does this lead me now?

Well, I have to keep going. It's difficult, and will no doubt get worse before it has any chance of getting better, but I have to remember why I am doing this, both on a personal level and in terms of what I want to be able to provide for my family. I need to sign up to a doctor if I have any chance of getting rid or even knowing about this illness which is taking too much effort to get rid of. And last of all, I need to keep battling and working to achieve what I came here to achieve, because although it's three years of my life which will be difficult, I hope it might be the stepping stones to reach my goals and dreams.

So although I feel pessimistic at the moment and things are getting on top of me, I also see a faint light in the distance... which makes a change.

x

Saddest story never told

Saddest story never told

I’m really missing my childhood today, or rather, I miss the feeling of being a child. I miss it often, but when I think about it more it’s sad that I can only ever get furthur away from it, and never closer.

Each day I will grow older, each year new things will happen and my innocence will be lost even more, until I am simply another generic adult who forgets the wonderful magic that only comes with being young.

This is a picture I drew a while back... and for some reason it seemed like a good picture to upload with this post.

I will always carry on my imagination, no matter what… into every single day and second of my life, but it’s changing more and more, and I wonder if it will transform into something so far away from it is and has been, and turn into something I dislike.

I don’t know, it’s like the older I get the more and more desperate I am to hold onto my inner child, that little bit of life from my younger self. It’s like I am staring in the mirror and seeing myself at 9 years old, but slowly the image is fading and all that remains is a ghost, a shadow.

It scares me. Being an adult scares me. I can’t quite describe the feeling, but it’s like a black cloud hanging over me. When I think about it, although there have been some wonderful adults I know/have known, most have simply tried to squash me and mould me into something I am not. They don’t understand me, rarely anyway… and I don’t want to ever become like this.

If you don’t feel the same way, or have never felt this way, you probably won’t understand, or even begin to imagine how this feels. Most people embrace adulthood with open arms… I am having an harder time adapting.

x JH x

The beat that my heart skipped...

It is now officially the 14th of February, also known as Valentines Day.

This is a time when couples truly show their love for each other by buying chocolate, flowers, possibly going for a romantic meal or to the cinema, followed by hot and steamy passionate sex… or so us single people are led to believe by the adverts, movies and pretty much the general population who is lucky enough to have a partner.

As normal, I don’t have a soul to share my heart with, but in fairness it’s been this way for months and so one more day isn’t any more tragic to in my heart. This day will pass, and it will be the same after.

In fairness, I don’t put enough effort into meeting someone who can be anything more than a friend, and I even suck at that quite a bit, so it’s probably my own fault. I don’t quite know what I expect… a romantic meeting and instant love that will battle the forces of darkness like the Disney movies have me believe or possibly something more classical like Romeo and Juliet (without the Juliet of course) where our love is so strong we are willing to die for it.

In reality, none look likely, and not any time in the near future either. I am a single pringle in a cardboard tube, and it looks like the lid is staying on a while longer.

No hard feelings though… literally.



I’m only 19, I have a life ahead of me (unless I die in my sleep tonight of a broken heart). No, but really… I guess I’m past caring and this feeling sorry myself is simply a fart in the wind… it will pass pretty quickly.

On the bright side, I get to save money and can say I didn’t fall for the barrage of marketing which this day throws at people for weeks on end… not through choice I admit, but still, Tesco won’t be getting no extra cash from me!

I shall now retire to my bed, where I will use it for it’s sole purpose… sleep. I know there are probably millions of horny people getting their rocks off right now, probably many a baby will be conceived (most of which probably will be killed off pretty soon when the beer goggles and passion wear off) but I can honestly, hand on heart, tell you I am so tired right now that even if I had the chance for a bit of a paddle on the saddle, the batteries would probably need changing/charging first.

Speaking of which… Infact… no…

Night all. Have a good day either side of the spectrum.

x JH

Un-Oblivion? Anti-Oblivion? Fuck it...

Before I go any furthur... Thank you for those who commented on my last blog. I only just saw them and have this moderation thing on which means I have to check them before they go up, so thank you and sorry for the delay in getting them up! I'll keep checking in future.

On Monday I began shooting a music video for 'Oblivion' by Patrick Wolf. This isn't an official thing (which I may have stated previous somewhere on the internet) but a project, though I got permission to use it.

It's been loads of fun! I've had my directors head on and hopefully have not pissed people off too much, though everyone seems to be enjoying it. So, the Monday was day one of a two day shoot. In a last moment state of panic about a location on the day, me and the cameraman went in search of a new place. Basically, we wanted a forest, but the one we had initially planned to used wasn't really... foresty... so after an hour or so looking, we found a nice little dense population of trees.

Thus began the running.

The basic idea I came up with concept wise is the guy trying to run from his demons, his depression, as well as having an under-lying concept of a spiritual battle and a questioning of beliefs. The guy starts off fearless, loses the will and turns his gun on himself, but is saved by a voice of hope, a guardian angel, who spurs him on to carry on after coming so far.

The shoot involved lots of running, crawling through mud and lots of screaming... on the actors part. I was of course, stood in 2 jackets and a coat, while he was freezing his bollocks off in a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. It's a tough life.

So day one went well despite changing light and weather conditions, but everything that was on my shot list had a tick next to it.

Day two and it's all interior scenes. No mud. No cold. No wind. Constant coffee. Indeed.

Didn't last long at all, but what we got was pretty good.

Yesterday me and the editor started editing, and it seems we have too much footage, and none of it is really bad. I'm quite surprised how well this shoot has been because although I knew what was needed, I did worry that it wouldn't be anywhere close to what I imagined and wanted it to be, and it's turning out to be quite close (aside from a few things that we probably wouldn't be able to do without a big budget, but I can dream).

So yeah. Day two begins today... and I have a feeling a full rough cut will be done, leaving Friday to clean up the shots, color correct everything and add some effects and stuff.

Phew. That was longer than expected.

Now to go get more coffee and begin making myself look somewhat more beautiful than the ugly mess I am now, which is a hard task and rarely pays off, but its the thought that counts.

Avenue Elliot Nazi Girl Things... or the collective tale of my days internet adventure.

I've been absent from Uni a few days due to feeling quite a lot under the weather. Part illness, part run down, part just feeling a little down-hearted. This morning I found myself browsing the Internet looking for some good things to watch to occupy myself between work and general rest...

The weird thing with the internet is that it's like a chain reaction. You search for something of interest, find something in some way related to that something of interest and thus a chain reaction begins until you force yourself to break it. This is the case with me anyway.

I started off looking on YouTube at some musicals. A random and camp thing I know, but what can cheer the soul more than a musical number with a bit of dancing and general OTT-ness which musicals so greatly perfect?

After a while I had watched songs from many films which fall under the 'musical' genre. I then moved on to stage musicals (mainly Avenue Q and Billy Elliot). While watching the Avenue Q ditty about racism (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BbQiSVeQwVQ&feature=related) cleverly titled 'Everyone's a little bit racist', I suddenly remembered a documentary I saw on Channel 4 a while back about the BNP. This was of course triggered by the word 'racist'... see the chain reaction there?

I found the documentary I was looking for, cleverly titled 'Young, Nazi and Proud', which you can, if you so wish, view here http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-7842826632184074561#. I find it really interesting, it's certainly worth a watch.

I then went on to watch a documentary on the BBC iPlayer about the transition from board games to computer games. There is no link as such from the last doc to this one, apart from the fact I then felt I wanted to watch some docs and so hunted on the BBC for some. The doc dragged a bit and I turned it off after around 20 Min's and went onto 4OD instead, where I found two pretty decent documentaries about family.

The first was the cleverly titled '8 boys and wanting a girl' which was pretty much what was said on the tin. It followed a few families and parents who had only had boys and who were desperate for a girl. It showed some of the things they do to try and get a girl, from herbal supplements to modern scientific techniques, but most of all it really showed a desperation in some people for an ideology that they have dreamed of for so long. It was quite heart-breaking in places, emotional. I cried.

Before I go any further, let me explain that I cry at everything. I would probably cry if Tigger got lost in the woods, y'know?

Anyway... One family out of the three that were followed ended up with a girl. One of them got pregnant again with boy number 5, and the other ended up not pregnant at all.

The last one I watched was called 'Wild Things' which was about a group of 1970's idealistic adults who all chose to raise their children in a collective environment, without any set parents or even a set name. These children were born in a household where they would have a number of parents, brothers and sisters and family, who were not exactly related. The documentary caught up with them to see if this ideology had stuck and carried on.

It became clear many just went on to lead normal lives, but none resented the upbringing they had. I found it really interesting because I have at times wondered what it would be like, and personally I imagine it to be a pretty amazing environment I would maybe, one day, like to test and see if it works with me. Although hard to explain, I feel cohabitation and a collective environment would possibly be quite an amazing experience, and one which I could easily imagine myself to be a part of...

But anyway. It was interesting.

Other than that I watched an episode of Yo Gabba Gabba and looked at some cover versions of Joni Mitchell songs on YouTube, one of my favourites of which is this one by Diana Krall http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BGrsc5FeQDs. I also did the usual checking of Facebook, answering emails, looking at Twitter, general browsing and then topping it all off with this blog to tell you exactly what I did in a long and boring fashion for no reason other than wanting to share my days worth of internet adventure with you.

I expect nobody has read this, or that if someone did they got past the first paragraph or first few sentences then gave up... but either way, it's been an interesting day and I will now go and watch a documentary called 'Ashes to Diamonds' which explores what people do with their loved ones after they die. I imagine it will simply be an emotional doc which focuses on people not wanting to part with someone who means a lot to them and the amazing and wacky ways that people will attempt to overcome this, probably ending on the ashes of the dead being turned into a diamond ring as the title suggests.

I shall enjoy it.

A blog about not having nothing to blog about

This is basically a blog about having nothing of worth to blog about (which is not to say my normal blogs are blog-worthy but I normally have something to say).

So far this year I have written 5 blogs. 5. That's not a lot considering from September to December of last year I wrote a total of 41 blogs, though in fairness in the November and December of last year I wrote only 5 blogs in each of those months.

The strange thing is, although I have lots to say, I have not felt the need to say it on here. I feel in a way I am editing myself and not spelling out exactly how I feel, which is a sad state of affairs if I am honest as this is one of the places I like to be honest with myself and with whoever choses to read.

The last few nights while I have been ill I have on many occasions come to this blog to post, seen the empty box before me and closed it shortly after staring at the screen and searching my mind. I have hit a brick wall, a non-writers writers block.

And so, I will leave you with this wonderful video which is a live performance from one of my favourite artists singing one of my all time favourite songs. This will sum up in lyrics and music how I feel, without me having to go to the hassle of explaining...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tKQSlH-LLTQ

Click the link above for the wonderful Joni Mitchell singing Both Sides Now. For those who love a certain film about love (actually) you may recognise the song even if you have never heard of her before.

Until next time, which will hopefully be a time when I have something to actually say rather than write about having nothing to write and making a rather long post about such a thing... Au Revoir.

x